No One Could Know
by TDO3
Summary: Sena's doing his best to fight it, and doesn't want anyone to know or worry, but his efforts are slowly crumbling. Self injury, swearing, and eventual slash. You're warned.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: So, I'm attempting to write fanfiction again. All my other stories have been deleted for a while, as they were pretty damn awful. Actually, so awful that I couldn't even resurrect a good story line from them. And, you know, that's actually really bad**.

**AN2, March 24, 2008: I tried to fix all the minor spelling/grammatical errors. Please, if you notice anything – even minor – send me a message. I can't stand those little errors in the stories I read, so I don't want them in mine either.**

**Summary: Sena has his complexes, and a few bad habits. He's tougher than he knows, but it can't last for that long.**

He reached up with a slender, slightly calloused finger and gently tugged at the skin around his eye. The mirror mimicked the action perfectly.

"This is disgusting." No one was there to hear it, but saying it out loud was the final confirmation. Sena looked like crap. The circles under his eyes seemed almost drawn on, and contrasted greatly with his pasty skin. His hair hung down in oily clumps, having not been brushed for at least two days. While he couldn't actually notice it himself, it would be reasonable that he didn't smell so fabulous.

"This is really, really disgusting." Muttering to himself shamefully, Sena walked back to his bedroom. A little nagging voice in the back of the mind, the one he really wished he could ignore at times, reminded him that school was tomorrow. He'd need to improve appearances soon or risk interrogation, which he knew he couldn't lie through. Whether it was Hiruma's threat of death by semi-automatic machine guns, or Mamori's pleading eyes, he wouldn't be able to get through it. And while death by Hiruma would be a quick end, Mamori would never let it go, and he'd sink to an even lower level than he was now.

With a sigh, Sena sat down on the edge of the bed, and cradled his head in his arms. The current headache he had was making him feel nauseous, and while succumbing to the bliss of unconscious sleep would be nice right now, he'd never fall asleep later tonight and end up worse for the wear tomorrow.

A mass of problems were weighing down on him, but he decided to tackle the easiest obstacle first.

"Nutrition. I can't smile if I can't stand up straight." With new determination, Sena, the ace running back, would walk downstairs and get something to eat, providing him with new energy to tackle the world!

Trying his best to put on a dignified gait, he got to the top of the stairs before he paused. The television was blaring, and he could hear a muffled giggle by his mother. His stance lost all the strength it had momentarily, and he slumped against the wall.

"She'll want to know why I'm like this. I…no. I can't." Dejectedly, he walked back to his room and fell in the bed. He wouldn't be able to lie through that one. Even the most clueless, unsympathetic mother would be able to tell that something was wrong, and his mother was far from the category of uncaring.

No, he'd just skip the idea of eating. Perhaps he could get something in the morning, when his mother would still be asleep. He closed his eyes, the space between his eyebrows and his hair creasing.

This same pattern had been less common over the last few years, though gaining in frequency in the last few weeks. Sena would wake up, and not get out of bed. Try to go downstairs, and find himself fearing that his mom could see through clothes, could read minds, and see all the signs.

All right, before it hadn't been so bad. He only had to worry about his mom and Mamori, and even then, his natural shyness lent itself towards hiding things and being quiet.

Now, however, there was the American Football team. And what came with that? Hiruma.

Sena's teammates weren't so bad. All of them were generally nice and tactful, so he had no problem with them. Hiruma, on the other hand, followed no rules. If social etiquette declared that he let a subject go, he didn't give a shit. He used every means at hand to get what he wanted. If Hiruma had a clue what was up with Sena, he'd send Cerberus on him until Sena had written a five-page essay with every bit of information on it, and explanatory diagrams. Sena felt a miniscule bubble of smugness well up in his mind. Hiruma didn't know yet. Hiruma didn't have that clue, and he wouldn't be getting it anytime soon, if Sena had his way.

"Alright, next step. Shower." He was pretty sure that a shower could do no harm, and it didn't require passing by his mother. He walked down the hallway to the shower, doing his best not to look in the bathroom mirror. The hot water blasted out, steam quickly filling the small, tiled room.

Sena hopped in, hissing at the pain of the too-hot water. He adjusted the tap, but the damage was done.

The cuts all over his thighs were burning and swelling, instantly looking much worse than they had been moments before. Doing his best to be optimistic, he hoped that at the very least, the bacteria had been nuked and he wouldn't get an infection. But that didn't make this moment now any less painful. Grimacing, he reached over for some generic shampoo.

A flush rose to his cheeks as he looked down at his legs, adding to redness already present on his face from the hot water. A well of guilt grew, and he fought to look away, but it was almost hypnotizing. All those little wounds, he had done himself. A part of him felt pride because he had always been so afraid of papercuts and stubbed toes, but the majority of his conscious realized how grotesque it was. How could he do this? There was nothing wrong with his life. How could he dishonor everyone around him like this?

"Just finish showering." The command came out through clenched teeth. Squeezing an unnecessary amount of shampoo out, and scrubbing at his scalp until he couldn't stand it anymore, Sena was anxious to forget his cuts for the moment. He grappled around for the equally generic soap, and scrubbed all over his body until he was sure it could get no redder. Maybe if he were clean enough on the outside, it would spread inward.

The thought hit him quickly, and he was afraid. He usually was able to stop these thoughts faster. He just wanted this shower over and done with. The soap fell to the ground. The ball of anxiety and fear started to grow just beneath his stomach, and he knew he had to stop it before it paralyzed him, just like when Habashira Rui had glared at him those first games. Slowly, he concentrated on breathing and focusing. He wouldn't let himself down now.

"Sena? Are you all right? You've been in there for a while now…" His mom's voice reached him through the door and the racket of the shower. This was his moment. He could conquer this.

"Yeah, I'm all right! Just dropped the shampoo on my foot." Perfect explanation. Nine out of ten, Sena.

"Oh, ouch sweetie. Don't use up all the hot water." A few moments later, and she was gone. The situation was back under control.

Breathing out, he turned off the water, and grabbed a fluffy, navy towel. Carefully patting on his thighs, and wiping thoroughly everywhere else, he quickly dried off. What came next?

"Brush. Brush your teeth and your hair." Had anyone been standing nearby, they wouldn't have heard a word he said, but he knew, and he heard the quiet statement that was barely louder than mere breathing. He needed to say it out loud. Once he had said it, he couldn't let himself down.

He wasn't going to lie to himself – the ball of anxiety was still there – but he felt a bit better. Maybe that dirt had been weighing him down a little more along with everything else. With a small smile, he pulled a brush through his hair a few times, and scoured the grime off his teeth. The day was already becoming brighter. He was definitely going to do just fine tomorrow.

Wrapping himself in the towel, he made a dash back to his bedroom, and dressed himself just as quickly. Every precaution was made to prevent his mom from knowing about his habits. He loved her too much to put her through the grief of knowing her son was one of 'those kids', because if even he found it repulsive as the perpetrator of the self-abuse, he couldn't even imagine what it would do to his mother.

He had gotten all his sensitivity from her, and could barely predict the disastrous response. The only certain thing is it would not be good. Tightness spread across his chest. It was making it hard to breathe. His mom would hate him. She'd hate him too much to keep him with her.

"Sena, I'm going out for dinner and a movie with the women from work. You have school tomorrow, so go to bed at a reasonable time, and dinner is on the counter." His mom yelled from the level below, her voice penetrating the layers of wood between them. He couldn't bring himself to respond, as he felt an unexpected lump grow in his throat.

"Sena, sweetie, did you hear me?" A smidgen of concern tinged her voice.

"Yeah mom, I heard, you have a good time!" Sena yelled back in his most cheerful voice. His mom laughed, and he waited until she locked the door audibly to start crying. The guilt was overwhelming. It was almost a tangible substance, growing and mutating, wrapping around every bit of his being, sending toxins and evil all over to taint him.

His eyes widened as his arms started to shake. No. He wouldn't do this now. He had to try to hold off, anything. This crap couldn't start right now; he needed to be healthy and happy for tomorrow. The muscles in his stomach started pulling and twisting, turning every which way. It then hit his head like a hammer. The headache multiplied in strength, and he felt the urge to heave.

"I…hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself." The mantra came out on its own and the trembling in his arms was reaching the rest of his body. He wondered how long he had been sitting there.

He knew what he wanted, and he knew he shouldn't want it. His hands balled into fists, and a whimper emerged from his tightly constricted throat. He had only done it yesterday, why would he want it this soon? The other one hadn't even begun to heal.

As if from a distance, he felt his fingers digging into his arms. Tiny pricks of pain, barely anything. He needed more. A shiver went up his back as he thought of a knife, a razor, scissors, anything. Anything that could show him how bad he truly was. Something to bite into his skin, rip it open to reveal what he really was. To let his walls, his room, his bathroom witness what he really was. Not an ace, or a student. He was sick, destroying all his instincts of self-preservation to mutilate his skin. To let his blood, the thing that kept him alive, slowly leak out. He was sick.

He was a monster. If Mamori found out, she'd cry. Cry for days on end, and wouldn't be able to look at him. She'd want to find out who caused him to do this, want to know how he could ever do it.

Hiruma would sneer. Curl his lip in disgust at the weakling shrimp. Too pissed off to even shoot or throw Cerberus at him. Maybe even kick him off the American Football team. While Sena didn't want to go to the double practice tomorrow, he liked the game. He liked being part of the team, being needed.

They could never know.

The phone rang. Sena stood up quickly, and grasped the edge of his bed frame as his legs nearly gave out. Shambling, he managed to reach the clunky phone on the other side of his room. He forced his breathing into a slightly more relaxed rhythm, and tried to stop his hands from shaking. One last breath, and he pulled the phone up to his ear.

"Hello? Sena? Oh good, I thought you might be out." Mamori's cheery voice hit him like a wave. It was unexpected, but it was a relief to hear her.

"Oh, ahh, no, I still have some homework to finish up." He laughed, and hoped he didn't sound too nervous. That last thing he wanted to hear right now was Mamori needling him with worried questions.

"You're still not finished? Those guys aren't making you do their homework, are…" A hint of menace edged into Mamori's voice.

"No, no, I just kind of forgot about it. Why are you phoning?" He did have homework, so maybe this one lie wouldn't go down in the books, and on his legs.

"Right, right. Hiruma is having me phone all the team members. He wants a double practice tomorrow, both in the morning and after school. I thought it was absurd, and you don't have to go if you don't want to, but he wants you taking pictures of the practice or something. I keep telling him that…" Sena cut off Mamori's impending rant.

"That's alright, I don't mind. If you can do it, so can I." He allowed a smile to reach his voice. He didn't need to see Mamori to know she reciprocated the smile.

"That's good Sena. That's really good." She paused, as if she were about to say something else, but continued on. "I'll see you tomorrow then, at six a.m. Get some sleep!" The line clicked off, and Sena gently put the receiver back down.

He shuffled back to his bed, and planted his face back in the pillow. Tears started leaking out again, but not in the desperate way they had moments before. He allowed some sounds to come out, and before he knew it, he was sobbing once more. He clutched his arms to himself, shaking, and clamped his eyes shut.

In all truth, he didn't think he was ready to put on a cheery face tomorrow, especially with the double practice. He had almost told Mamori that he didn't feel that great, and would miss the early practice, but she probably would have fretted over him, and end up visiting, which could only be worse. He cared about her very much, but she was stubborn and insistent, and that couldn't bode well for his exhaustion as it was.

With a few blinks, he could see his digital clock on his night table: a quarter past eight. He had nine hours until he needed to leave the house tomorrow. The sobs were coming out dry now, and he felt some of the pressure on his chest ease away. He'd skip dinner for sleep. He hoped if he slept some, the bags under his eyes would recede, and he'd be able to keep some food down.

While wet and puffy, his eyes closed once again, and he fell into an uneasy sleep, but sleep nonetheless. Sena was determined to come out of tomorrow the winner, for the better of everyone he cared about.

A nearly invisible smile crept onto his face as he fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I don't own, this is just my own form of adoring the show. I'm really not sure what people are thinking of this story so far, so maybe review and tell me what you think? Any spelling/grammatical errors or weird sentences or contradictions; I'm happy to hear it all! Thank you!**

It wouldn't stop. The same thing, over and over. The sound seemed to drag claws along his spine, starting at his ears and going down far enough to make all his muscles tense up. There was no way he could sleep through this.

A hand reached out and slammed the damned machine.

"I'mwake. I'm awake. Shuttup." Sena groaned. Even sunlight didn't exist at this hour. 'It would in the summer…' Hiruma's phantom cackle reminded; it didn't leave him, ever. Hiruma…football. So, the first step to getting to football practice was…

"Get out of the bed." His eyes had yet to open, but he pushed himself up on his arms automatically. As he shifted his weight to his legs, he winced. The cuts on his thighs stretched only very slightly, but it stung nonetheless. He couldn't believe how close he came to doing it two days in a row. That was far too quick. What was wrong with him?

His eyes painfully cracked open. They were swollen and crusted from last night, as he had fallen asleep right after crying. Before he could see clearly he had to rub his eyes thoroughly, not that there was much to see.

"Light switch. Turn…on the lights." A yawn interrupted his gloriously enunciated sentence. Feet dragging, he somehow managed to reach the light switch, but didn't anticipate the consequences of doing so. The bright overhead light illuminated his room powerfully, causing him to flinch and gasp at the strain to eyes. Blinking a few times to get used to the new glow, he saw the sad state of his room. The walls were a dull beige, faded from years of people living in it, probably caring about as little as Sena did. Clothes: not clean; current location: everywhere. Dust: also everywhere. Smell: coming from the back corner of his desk. With a quiet laugh, he pondered that perhaps his room was just a mirror of his current state.

"I'll clean it up later." Scratching at his scalp, he ambled over to his dresser and pulled out the rumpled 'shumu' shirt, track pants, and his last clean pair of boxers. He tugged off his shirt with ease, but his current pair of boxers were more than a little bit of a struggle.

The thin, cheap cotton of the boxers had stuck itself to the open cuts on his upper thighs, and dried. He now had two options: rip the boxers off, and wince in pain, or…

_Rip the boxers off, and enjoy it._

For the second time in two days, the thought hit him unexpectedly. Worse yet, he liked the idea. He tried not to hurt himself this often, to prevent the little cuts from affecting his football and school work, but sometimes he needed the pain, even when he knew he shouldn't hurt himself, so what if he just made the current cuts hurt more?

_Enjoy?_

Sena needed no psychologist to tell him that he was a freak now. He really, truly wished to hurt himself, and the day had barely started. _For God's sake, you can barely move without splitting your fresh cuts open. _Abruptly, he shoved the heels of his palms into his eyes to stave off the pricking that signaled the coming of tears. He had football and Hiruma to deal with. He didn't want this right now. He didn't want it at all. He had come so close to having a good high school life, so very close, and he didn't want this new problem. Right? Repeating last night's performance, his intestinal muscles started turning in several directions at once. Logic said he should eat soon, but his body wasn't exactly agreeing.

He ran back to the bathroom to quickly grab a few gauze pads and adhesive bandages in case of any mishaps and tossed them into his school bag, along with his sickly green uniform and a few textbooks. With a groan, the bag was slung across his shoulder. The last practice had been on Friday, and normally he would have been over his leftover aches by now, but the lack of sleep and energy was emphasizing every strain and stimulus on his body. The slick fabric of his pants irritated him, as if it were intentionally trying to cling to every uncomfortable nook on him. The shirt felt unclean and clammy, sticking to his skin. The day wasn't starting as well as he had hoped.

Treading carefully down the carpeted stairs, he walked in the kitchen to grab breakfast, but encountered a note in his way.

"_Sena-_

_You didn't eat dinner, so it's in the fridge if you want it later. I don't want you getting sick, have something good for breakfast._

_-Love, Mom"_

Oh…his mom didn't want him getting sick. What if it was too late? Could a good breakfast solve that? He guessed that the answer was no, but it was worth a try. He opened a cabinet with the steadfastness of a downcast teenager doing his best. The reassurance of a muttered 'Effort MAX!' helped lessen the tautness from the limbs working at his current task.

Mechanically he poured a bowl of cereal, a generic super-healthy flake mix, and started working at it. When he had finished half a bowl or so, the task got a little bit harder. He hadn't felt that fantastic before as it was, and the cold, mushy cereal sat at the bottom of his stomach like a dead weight. With a scowl, the rest of the cereal was tossed down the sink. It sat there, looking increasingly repulsive in Sena's eyes. He finally rinsed it down, trying not to think about the fact that he'd only eaten a half of a bowl of cereal in two days. He turned his mind, instead, on getting to school.

Sena generally enjoyed his route to school, now with the Huh-huh brothers leaving him alone. Most of the time he would eventually meet up with Mamori and walk with her. And while the Huh-huh brothers still weren't bothering him, he wasn't looking forward to today. All he had in store was stress, in various different forms, and in the case of Hiruma's guns, various different caliber. He would spend his whole day sitting there, wondering if his undereye circles looked obvious, if his skin was too pale, or if anyone, especially Hiruma, could see through uniforms to the skin underneath.

Sena wouldn't be able to handle it if Hiruma saw all the scars, both old and healing. Any respect he previously held in the eyes of the demon captain would be decimated, and Hiruma would want to revenge on Sena for ruining his chances of having a good American Football team. Because it was obvious to Sena that no captain would keep a disgrace like him on the team after they found out what he went home and did.

"Pathetic." The smile Sena had shoved on his face fell momentarily at these thoughts, but he quickly forced it back on as he was nearing the school. A sound caught his attention, and he could hear a muffled bang, followed by the sound of ground being trampled. Hiruma was working everyone on sprinting, of all things, and would be brutally conditioning Sena's limited stamina.

With one last deep breath, and a forced posture and smile, he walked onto the field.

---

"Sena! You're here! Now we can all practice!" Kurita's unflappable smile reached him from quite a distance. Sena smiled all the more to reciprocate the happiness that was being directed at him. The kick in the ass he received next wiped the smile off his face momentarily, but no one could grin through that. Hiruma's kicks hurt like no other. Sena fell to his knees, and felt a bolt of panic run up his back as he wondered of the cuts on his thighs had broken open again.

He felt a cool set of hands helping him up, and he quickly drew his attention back to the current situation. Mamori was clasping his arm, glaring daggers at Hiruma's indifferent figure.

"He's the secretary, so it's alright if he's not here on time. Stop being mean to Sena!" Sena chuckled nervously, and carefully slid his arm out from Mamori's grip.

"It's alright Mamori, it's not fair to the team if I come later than everyone else. I should put in the same effort that I want everyone else show." Sena knew in that moment, he had won Mamori over. Her face softened, and she almost looked a bit sad. Her expression suddenly changed to one of confusion, and as she opened her mouth to say something, Hiruma interrupted her.

"Damn right, shrimp. See that line of cones over there? Dodge them all, running your fastest. Fifty times." Hiruma bared his teeth, looking off in the direction of the others practicing.

"Hiruma, wait, Sena doesn't look that good. He doesn't need to do it fifty times, at least halve that or…" Mamori paused her speech as Hiruma turned to appraise the situation. Sena desperately tried to avoid eye contact as a few seconds went by with Hiruma staring at him. Just as he felt a flush crawling up his neck, he heard a snort from where Hiruma was standing.

"Tch. Shrimp just looks like he needs to eat more. A stay at the Porker's would do just dandy. Do the dash sixty times." Hiruma wasn't smiling this time. Sena quickly looked away, and gave a small smile for Mamori. She looked moderately reassured, but he could still see the tiniest of creases on her forehead. As he looked back once more, he saw Hiruma watching him again, a malicious smile yet to move onto his face.

_Hiruma's onto something._

Sena used the adrenaline rush of fear to help him through those sixty dashes, knowing he was barely keeping pace with his previous times. None of the other players, Monta included, seemed to notice anything was off. Sena guessed that they might all be too exhausted to see that his skin had been off-colour before they started practicing. Hiruma, while still baring vicious teeth and pulling out Magnums from who-knows-where, was giving strange assessing glances at Sena every now and then. These glances were so short, that Sena normally would've thought that they were imagined, except this time there was a basis for them. He knew there was reason for everyone to be suspicious, so he was on high alert to pick up any abnormalities in his friends' behaviours.

Sena's heart rate crept upwards as he wondered what Hiruma could be thinking. Hiruma was noticing something. Sena shouldn't have come today. He knew last night that something would go wrong today, and he somehow managed to fool himself into thinking that even he could somehow lie his way past the sickly cast to his face. He should've stayed home sick, because even if Mamori had visited, it would have been justified, as he sure looked sick. What had he been-

"Sena. Practice is over. Could you help me with the equipment?" Kurita's massive face showed up in his view, and Sena laughed nervously.

"Sorry, I guess I'm a little out of it this morning. Here, let me grab that…" Once again, while Sena was cleaning up, he felt Hiruma's cool glare every now and then. In horror, he realized everyone had left to get ready for school, and Kurita was just retreating as the situation dawned on Sena. He was going to be alone with Hiruma, if only for those few moments. The damage Hiruma could do in a few minutes, however, lent much more weight to Sena's fear. Sena started jogging to grab his bag and go, trying to make it look natural, and not like he was running away from Hiruma.

"Oy! Shrimp, get over here, fast." Hiruma's voice beckoned from the office, just as Sena had expected. Sena swallowed painfully, and tried to calm himself down. He could get through this. He had been through worse. At least he knew Hiruma didn't want to kill him, as Habashira did, and didn't wish him to defeat him, as Shin did. Hiruma was on his side, at the very least. Sena breathed a few more times before stepping into the small office.

Hiruma was sitting with his legs propped up, looking through a booklet of some sort. Sena, not knowing what to do, tried to start a conversation as if nothing were wrong with him at all.

"Hiruma, ah, could you ask the principal to order in some more blocking equipment? Kurita's wearing down the one right now pretty fast, but that's a good sign, don't you think?" All right, Sena knew that he couldn't give himself top marks for sounding normal, but he never knew a time when he had spoken to Hiruma normally. Not even looking up, Hiruma just blew off the nervous banter.

"Tiny, you look like shit. Go sleep, or eat, or do whatever it takes to make sure your times aren't as fucking bad as they were today." Without moving his head, Hiruma looked up with a powerful glower. Sena almost felt compelled to step back. Hiruma would see something if Sena didn't look away soon, but he couldn't break the contact. Hiruma's tiny green irises seemed to take up all of Sena's vision. His throat stopped working, so he couldn't say anything and couldn't breathe.

And it happened. Hiruma saw something, and Sena didn't know what, but Hiruma's head jerked up, brow furrowed. Hiruma was thinking, and he was puzzled. Hiruma was never confused, but that's the impression Sena got now and Sena didn't want to hand over any more evidence to Hiruma. He didn't want Hiruma solving the puzzle. Suddenly, he forced his voice to work almost normally.

"I'll, ah, do my best Hiruma. Must be a virus going around or something. Perhaps I'll go to Kurita's house eventually, their meals are really hearty." With a smile, Sena turned around to go change for school, adrenal glands working furiously to pump energy he just didn't have after that encounter. He knew that Hiruma would still be sitting there, thinking, and hoping that Hiruma would just blow it off as a hard day for Sena, if Hiruma could find any empathy.

That outlook would be far from the result to come.

---

Sena quickly had run into an unused bathroom stall to change, on the off chance that someone would come in. He dashed out, as swift with changing as he was with running, and did his best to smooth out his uniform. He really hoped no one would notice him today.

The buzzer rang for the start of classes, and he ran to his first. Seemingly, the day started well, as he knew few people in his morning classes. He did his best to focus, receiving one or two general reprimands, but for the most part being ignored by the teachers as well.

He tried to avoid the team at lunch break, not wanting them to have any time to speculate over his current state of appearance. As he was thinking, moving through the crowded hallways, he received an especially hard shove in the chest, and got knocked to ground, coughing.

"Hey, isn't that the loser from the football team?"

"Nah, I don't think he helps them, just likes taking pictures to go jack off." The two guys, massive in body but perhaps not in mind, laughed hysterically at this joke, and continued walking, leaving Sena there to fend for himself. Sena's eyes pricked from the sting in his chest, but incidents like this no longer bothered him. It had gotten him a few stares, which made him nervous, but nothing more. Apparently, no one from the team was nearby, and so no one was bugging him to stand up. Why should he fight back, when he couldn't even fight against his own urges?

Sena continued to wander around, hiding in nooks and niches whenever he saw someone he knew. He worked his way to the next class, advanced math, and stumbled on the way in. Some might've interpreted that as a bad omen among the bad omens he had been getting all day, but Sena wrote it off as fatigue.

Sitting down and opening his books, he realized he hadn't finished his work for the weekend. He was having trouble with this class, and the teacher didn't appreciate Sena taking an advanced course when he wasn't that good. The teacher called out for the students to hand in their work, stacked and neatly labeled, to be taken in for both a mark of completion and a mark for the actual work. Sena had neither, and this teacher wouldn't ignore it.

"Sena, you have repeatedly struggled with the work from this class, but at the very least, you have made the effort to complete it." The teacher's irritated voice made the class go silent.

"Yes, uh…" Sena winced at his own inadequate response.

"I have tolerated it before, but this level of stupidity and inability to motivate isn't acceptable for this class, and moreover, this school. I expect you to do much better in the future, or reconsider your choice of classes." With that, the teacher started with the lesson.

Sena completely missed the lesson as he held his head, trying to fight off the headache and the surge of tears that he knew was there. How could he forget? Soon, he knew, his body would start trembling, and someone would notice and laugh, getting the teacher more irritated at his antics.

Quickly, he raised his hand and asked in his most polite tone possible to go to the washroom. The teacher shrugged it off, ignoring that he took his backpack with him. Sena marched off to a bathroom little used in the school, and sat down on the toilet seat to cry quietly. The shaking, as he expected, started to come down on his body, and he was on the verge of making audible sobs. While the bathroom was unused, people might still be walking by, and would be sure to hear him. It was the boys' bathroom, after all. Sena just couldn't figure out how to pull himself together. What would fix this?

And he knew. Sena knew instantly, and didn't even give himself time to doubt it. The lack of sleep was taking over his mind, and he was far too tired to fight against it this time around. He tugged off his pants and began searching his backpack for something, anything. His frustration mounted as he found nothing but paper, books and dull pencils. He was about to start crying again, when he realized he had scissors in the back pocket, dinky scissors long forgotten, but scissors nonetheless. They had a blade, and they could hurt him.

He quickly tore open the back pocket and shuffled items around until he found them. Without hesitating, he raised it in his hand and brought the sharp object down on a blank spot on his thigh, tearing. The thin line turned red immediately, and he could feel each nerve sing. But it wasn't working yet. He gently pushed the blade down, unmoving, and watched the flesh bend for it. Then, after a few seconds, he swiped the scissors across. This one hurt much more, the blood came dripping out this time. It wasn't enough. He could still see the teacher's eyes, glaring at him, hating him for existing. He could feel the bruise on his chest, stinging, but nothing compared to this now. He could still see Hiruma, disappointed.

It wasn't enough. Crying, he started slashing at his legs, many times, ripping open old wounds, tearing new cuts over old scars, until it looked like someone had laid a red net of lace over his thighs. He paused, watching as his body finally responded, beads of the red liquid joining together to form larger droplets.

And then he felt it. Suddenly, the muscles in his arms were going lax, and his breath was coming in an even, steady rhythm. Instantly, he felt a hundred, no, a thousand times better. Wiping the scissors off with toilet paper, he tucked them into his backpack. He then worked to clean off his thighs.

There were so many, and while most were shallow, the older ones were bleeding again, reopened, and a few of the new cuts were causing a bit of a problem. His hands shook as he applied pressure, and let the fibres of the toilet paper stick to wounds. It wasn't nice looking, but it would keep them from bleeding later. He gingerly tugged his pants back on; not wanting to disturb the new cuts that quickly. Just as he was leaving the washroom, completely cleaned up, it was time for a new class. He was glad, as he didn't want to face his teacher again after being gone for so long. On the other hand, he couldn't possibly make himself look any worse than he already did. Sena felt a smile reach his face, one that wasn't forced, and began to laugh at his own comment.

As he was walking, his thoughts drifted from one thing to another. He thought of finishing his homework tonight, and trying to hand it in tomorrow. Perhaps he could earn the teacher's respect back. He would go clean his room tonight, and do some laundry, and maybe go for a jog. It would be good for his endurance. Then he remembered. He still had practice. He still had to go see Hiruma once more, and push himself to resist Hiruma's interrogation tactics. In the middle of the hallway, he slumped against the wall, eyes wide, and heart once again pounding.

**AN: Thank you for the kind reviews. I'm thinking this story might be longer running than my past fictions (which none of you know about, I hope) but I'll be grateful if you stick with me, and help me make my writing better.**

Lunapokema- First review indeed! And I was starting to become despondent, thinking that my story was too…boring, or out-of-character. I love all the stories you've written for the Eyeshield 21 fandom, and it gave me inspiration to put my stories on the 'Net.

SailorSaturnthesilencer- While short, your review is gentle and encouraging, which is definitely what I needed, because I am so nervous about writing! Thank you for taking the time out of your day, and I hope that I'll keep on receiving your comments.

A special note for TheInflictedFinger, if she is nice enough to read this: Your story is really important to me, and I'm really looking forward to your continued writing! It's definitely a big help in giving me the courage to post my story, and I definitely look up to your writing and your C2 community. Rock!


	3. Chapter 3

Sena slid down against the wall. He was pretty sure he heard about this effect in one of his science classes. Fight or flight. It occurred when a creature was backed into a corner, and forced to make a decision for survival. Sena wouldn't fight, even if there were someone to fight against. No, right now the flight option looked pretty damn good. He really wished then that he could just run home, and stay there, and no one would notice.

His eyes slid shut and he rested his head against his knees. The aftereffects of the injuries he had inflicted on his legs left him feeling heady and detached, so no tears were welling up. Nonetheless, Sena was aware the risky situation that was facing him. Hiruma was on the prowl, Sena knew that, because no one confused Hiruma the way Sena had and got away with a few glares. Hiruma wouldn't let Sena win this, because Hiruma always won.

Sena was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Every option he had led the risk of being caught. If he went home, Hiruma would break down the door with a trailing Mamori, which would not only be horrific, but would obviously alert his mom too. Whereas if he went to practice, there was only a chance of Hiruma, and possibly Mamori, knowing. So it was definitely a slightly better idea to go to practice. But then came Kurita, Monta, Yukimitsu, and loads of endurance testing work that Hiruma wouldn't cancel, even if Sena were bleeding out of his eyes…

"Or out of my thighs…" A slight smile lit up his face at the rather morbid pun, and not a very good one at that. _How did I let it get like this? How did this happen?_ Sena had worked so hard to hide his disturbing secret from everyone. All his efforts were crumbling down around him in a matter of days. Everything seemed like it was on the verge of collapse. Sena had never wanted anyone to know about this.

When he had allowed the cutting to occur more and more often, he vowed that he would hide it even better, to make up for what awful things he was doing in private. Perhaps that was the punishment for breaking that vow. If someone found out, he wouldn't be able to hurt himself. If no one found out, he could continue to hurt himself. It was so simple.

"I just don't want to see anyone right now…I don't want to deal with it…" Sena banged his head against his bony knees, as if that might knock some sense into his self. Or, at the very least, knock away some of the fear away. Enough so that he could fake a smile, fake happiness long enough to get through this practice. He knew that if he did his very best, he'd still come off as crap, but just enough to say he was sick tomorrow. Then he could stay home and sleep, and not face Hiruma for the day. Perhaps that day would be enough.

But he couldn't do that every week. He had school, and his commitment to the football team. He couldn't just take a day off whenever he felt like crap, especially if it was becoming a daily pattern. Life didn't just disappear, no matter how hard he wished and hoped and prayed. What was he doing?

The sound of the final bell jerked Sena's head up. He was treading on dangerous ground. He had already missed a class, unexcused. Tomorrow his mom could write a note, but Sena's teachers wouldn't be very pleased despite her maternal actions.

Sena stood up slowly and rolled out his shoulders. All along his back his muscles were knotted from all the heaving and sobbing he had done. If Sena turned in a certain way, he felt a sharp pain pretty close to his kidneys. The skin on his cheeks burned red at the thought. He had lost count of how many times he had cried over the last week. The whole thing was embarrassing. Again, Sena thought of Hiruma, and of Hiruma knowing about…it.

Hiruma would hate him. And when Sena thought of Hiruma hating him, it wrenched a part of him in his chest. At the beginning, Sena always assumed Hiruma hated him, but Sena figured out that in his own strange way, Hiruma certainly didn't despise him. He respected Sena's ability, and seemed to tolerate the rest of the personality that came with. Sena remembered feeling so powerful, and more importantly, so happy once he realized Hiruma was okay with him. Hiruma could possibly even be considered Sena's friend. It might not be reciprocated, but Sena was content with that. Perhaps that was as close as anyone got to Hiruma.

Which is why Sena had to face this. Hiruma deserved Sena's best effort to return the favour and be the best possible football player and friend he could be. If that included protecting him from the knowledge of Sena's disturbing habit, and letting Hiruma live his life filled only with worries about football, then Sena would.

And so Sena started his way to the change room.

* * *

Once again, it seemed that Sena was going to be late for practice, if only by a few minutes. The locker room still had a bit of steam from a shower that someone had taken, most likely Monta wanting to impress Mamori with handsome cleanliness. Sena changed into his 'shumu' shirt and track pants for the second time that day, a stomach full of dismay and a head full of determination.

He walked out onto the field, and immediately heard his name yelled several times. Monta was waving cheerfully, setting up agility cones. Mamori was waving equally cheerfully, to the chagrin of Monta. Sena smiled at them, walking in the direction of Monta to figure out what they were doing, when he felt a large hand clasp his shoulder. A jolt of nervous electricity ran through his body, and he knew without looking who was holding him.

"Hiruma, is there anything wrong? I was about to go practice…" Hiruma's icy glare, a repeat of the one this morning, was directed straight at Sena. It was rare to be witness to it this close, and it certainly didn't get any nicer with proximity.

"Chibi." Hiruma said it very sternly, although stern might have been the wrong word. Sena's father was stern. Hiruma was _intimidating_. Sena laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head, hoping the other teammates would assume Hiruma was just admonishing Sena. He hoped none of the others would notice Hiruma's _intimidating_ silence, and his unmoving stare. Sena decided to take action first.

"Well, Hiruma, if you don't have anything else to tell me, I'll go start working on my agility." Sena started to pull away, when once again Hiruma clamped his hand on his shoulder. Except this time, he started moving as well. He turned his head to the other team members.

"Kurita, Mamori, make everyone do the agility cones fifty times and record their results! Lazy shrimps have been falling over their own feet." With this, Hiruma gestured with his hand for Sena to follow him, knowing Sena wouldn't disobey. And Sena didn't.

Hiruma and Sena walked back to the clubhouse, and Sena felt the knots in his stomach grow. He was pretty sure this wasn't a good sign. No, he knew this wasn't a good sign. Damn it, this was an awful sign. Hiruma was too quiet, and there was neither an enraged frown nor a devilish smile on his face. Sena knew him reasonably well, and might have almost thought Hiruma was what, worried? Sena blanched.

The flush that had been previously entertaining on his face was now drained. How much had Hiruma seen this morning to cause him to worry? Was Sena an open book? Hiruma had only looked in Sena's eyes, and suddenly figured out that something was dreadfully wrong. So Sena looked a bit sick, everyone got sick. Maybe Hiruma really was a devil, because Sena couldn't figure out how Hiruma had known from just looking in Sena's eyes. Sena hadn't even known that Hiruma had that much empathy, if he had figured out so much that quickly.

The 'flight' response was crawling back into Sena's mind. It was taking every muscle in his body to not run home and lock the doors. His hands were shaking a little bit, so he started to fiddle with his shirt to give himself something to do, but quickly stopped the action when he heard Hiruma speak up.

"You can run if you want to. I wouldn't be able to catch you." Hiruma didn't turn around as he reached the clubhouse. The devil could read minds as well, it seemed. Only Hiruma.

"What, why would I run? What's going on Hiruma?" Sena did his very best to feign innocence, and he knew for a fact that it would have fooled anyone else, even Mamori, but Hiruma knew, and Hiruma never let go of things that quickly.

_Oh dear God, Hiruma knows._ He couldn't, but that didn't stop the panic.

Hiruma sat down and propped his legs up on the strategy table. Sena continued to stand, watching Hiruma take deep, even breaths as he stared up at the ceiling. The smooth muscles in Hiruma's arms shifted as they contracted and relaxed, as if Hiruma wished he could resolve this with a good pass. Sena wished it were that easy as well. He wanted to yell at Hiruma, saying "I want to fix it too!" but it would do little to help. Make Sena look insane, more likely. Another part of Sena wished he could go and shake Hiruma, tell him everything was all right, don't worry, to go back to his regular self, but once again, it would define Sena as insane.

"Hiruma…" Sena looked down at the ground, not wanting to see Hiruma's face. He did hear Hiruma shift though. Right, Hiruma must be looking at him now. "Hiruma…don't worry. Please don't." Sena felt the quiver in his voice. What was he doing? The plan had been to deny all, not let Hiruma know he was right.

"Ch'. I'm not worrying." Sena wasn't convinced. For once, he was very sure of what Hiruma was doing. And he really, truly didn't want Hiruma to be worrying. Sena was interfering with Hiruma's life, inconveniencing him, being a burden. It made Sena's life a little better seeing everyone around him happier. This…this wasn't going to…

"It won't help me, Hiruma. Your worry won't help me, so please don't bother." The words were now coming out on their own, feeling right, despite the fact that they were putting Sena in a worse position than before. Sena was adamantly not looking at Hiruma, even when he heard him stand up, and even when he heard him walk over. He did, however, look up when he felt two hands on his shoulders. He looked up directly into Hiruma's dangerous eyes.

"What do you need help with, damn secretary?" Hiruma had that confused expression on his face, a mix of angry and frustrated. Sena felt that pit of butterflies in his stomach act up. He was nervous…no, wait. That wasn't it. Sena wanted to tell Hiruma. Sena wanted to tell Hiruma, and let go of the pressure, and have Hiruma's help.

_No!_

"I can't…really say, Hiruma." Sena paused, and forced his smile back on, waving it off with his hand. "It's nothing major, just some silly little things." Sena closed his eyes, chuckling, trying to dispel Hiruma's tough glare. He wanted to see Hiruma, grinning at him, not staring at him as if tentacles were growing out of his hands. It wasn't pleasant in the slightest.

"Damn it, Chibi, stop lying. You're the worst fucking liar. What the hell's messing you up?" Hiruma's hands were off of Sena's shoulder, and Sena could feel the cold air meeting the warm spots left over. It wasn't exactly pleasant either. Sena realized he had zoned out, so tired as he was, and Hiruma was tossing his hands in the air, the confusion turning into frustration. Messing him up? Oh. Hiruma's running back was being screwed up. That's what the problem was. Sena felt a surge of disappointment rush throughout him. With a sigh, he replied.

"Hiruma, I'll keep up my running. I like the American football team, and I like winning. This, this other thing is completely separate, and won't affect our games, I promise. I'll take a day off tomorrow, and come back, running better than ever. Just don't worry." Sena let out a large breath, waiting for Hiruma's reply. All he got was a frustrated snarl.

"That's not what…! Fine. Go and practice." Hiruma was pissed, and Sena didn't understand why. His previous confidence in his statement's ability to smooth things over was gone, and now he didn't know what to do to fix this. For now, he'd go to practice as if nothing had happened, but he couldn't stop the panic that started to rise in him that this was almost as bad as Hiruma knowing. If Hiruma had sent Cerberus after Sena, and things had gone back to normal, Sena would've been happy. But this was so different from what he had imagined would happen if Hiruma had an inkling of what was wrong with Sena.

Sena ran back out onto the field, and smiled at everyone. He answered their curiosities with vague answers about Hiruma wanting to tell him something. Monta winked and Kurita nodded knowingly, assuming it was about his secret strategies as Eyeshield 21. Mamori glared and shook her head, assuming Hiruma was being a jackass, and Sena wasn't going to deny any of it. If they had ideas already planted in their minds, they wouldn't need to speculate about his whereabouts.

Everyone had finished doing their exercises with the cones as well as the ladders, so Sena roped them into doing passing exercises with each other. It was least likely to strain the healing that had barely started on his thighs. Monta was spinning and landing in twirls, doing his best to impress Mamori. Kurita was smiling at Komusubi's determination, and happy just in general at all the people who really wanted to be practicing. Everything was going so great that Sena felt his mood lift a little bit from his confrontation with Hiruma. Of course, he should have figured that if it got better, it was going to get worse.

Hiruma walked down the field, the irritation still evident on his face. Sena froze up a little bit, hoping Hiruma would let the whole thing go and finish the practice soon so Sena could get home. However, Sena knew that few ever got what they wished from Hiruma, and his hopes didn't get that high.

"Yo! Enough passing. We have to attack and win! Full force and nothing less! Porker, start the tackling exercises. Make sure the shorties learn a few things." Hiruma huffed and sat down on a conveniently placed chair. Kurita smiled, still so happy that he had people to work with. On the other side, Sena was very distressed. Tackling meant he was going to get tossed quite a few times, and that's about as much stress he could put his body through during practice.

"What's wrong with him?" Sena jumped at the question, but realized Monta was referring to Hiruma.

"I think it's because I didn't like one of his strategy ideas. I hope he'll get over it soon…" Sena slumped, and accepted the humorous pats Monta gave. Sena laughed with Monta, but inside he was still apprehensive.

"Sena, Monta, come over here!" Kurita waved them over, and started showing them how to grab the sides of the person they were tackling to maximize what little force they had. Juumonji walked over to practice with Sena, and Sena felt his level of uneasiness go up. Juumonji was massive and determined. Thankfully, he didn't know that Sena was Eyeshield 21, so hopefully he'd go easy.

Juumonji ran towards him, unflinching, and Sena did his best to use the tips Kurita gave him, but he went flying nonetheless. He landed on his butt, and rolled a few times to diffuse the force of the fall, as he'd seen Monta do during games. It helped, but it wasn't enough. Sena felt the wetness on his legs, not yet dripping, but it was going to stain the front of his pants if he kept this up.

"Sena! Oh, I knew Hiruma was in a bad mood, but this is just pointless. I don't know why he makes you practice so hard, when all you have to do is film and take pictures." Mamori helped him up, and Sena winced as he stood. His legs _hurt_. Mamori presumed that the fall was causing him to wince, and dusted his shoulders off.

"Sena, practice is just about over, and you've been looking a little off all day. Go home early, and I'll take care of the equipment with Kurita and Komusubi." For once, Sena didn't shrug of Mamori's concerns, and nodded at her slightly.

"I think I'll do that. I'll make it up to you, Sis," Mamori beamed at hearing his nickname for her, and ran to grab his bag. Hiruma was looking at the exchange, and his mouth turned downwards in a frown. Sena tried to persuade himself that Hiruma hadn't noticed how gingerly he felt his thighs with his hands, and how delicate he had been in standing up.

Mamori ran back with his bag, and shooed him away with a wave. Sena repeated the action with everyone else still practicing, with comments along that lines of him not feeling too good, going to rest up at home, and so on. Sena ignored the holes being burnt into his back by a pair of viridian eyes. Sena left through a gap on the fence, and got on his way home.

Sena used his time walking to think about the whole issue with Hiruma, now that there were no distractions. Hiruma had seemed even more frustrated after Sena had told him that their football games would be just fine. Perhaps Hiruma didn't believe him, or didn't think it was possible. But Hiruma never seemed to think anything was impossible, so maybe that wasn't the issue.

Sena couldn't figure out what it could be, unless Hiruma had been talking about something else before. Sena was pretty sure Hiruma had said something about messing up his game, so Sena just thought it was natural that he was talking about football, but maybe there was a chance that Hiruma hadn't just been talking about the Devil Bats.

Sena continued thinking about it, running through the dispute again through his mind, and it struck him. What if Hiruma had been talking about it as a friend? Hiruma never let his weaker side show, if he had one at all. So it could be that he was trying to actually find out what was wrong with Sena, partially for the football time, but also because Hiruma cared?

Sena shook his head, trying to make the rush of butterflies go away in his stomach. The thought made him nervous and a little happy. The idea of Hiruma caring about anyone for reasons other than football was strange and foreign to Sena, but a very small portion of his mind could grasp the concept, even if it couldn't exactly imagine Hiruma falling over himself for his friends.

Yet, Hiruma caring for Sena? Everything above Sena's shoulders heated up at the thought. Hiruma was so unyielding, so infallible; it seemed strange that he would make the mistake of caring for Sena. At that negative thought, Sena mentally whacked himself over the head. He shouldn't be thinking things like that, but despite his self-scorning, the thought stuck with him. Sena was a mess, a shrimp who had been bullied when he was younger, and by a lucky chance, it had helped him get onto a team, and actually excel at it.

If it hadn't been for that, Hiruma never would have cared in the slightest about Sena. Actually, no one would, with the exception of Mamori, and he would've gone through high school the same way he had through elementary and junior high: ignored and pathetic. So was he really that great? Or was it all just a show, and he the pretender.

Maybe he hadn't been so wrong in thinking it was a mistake for Hiruma to befriend him. Concerning football, Sena was reasonably sure that Hiruma could use his Devil's Book to rope one of the great runners in Japan to find a running back, and whoever it was would be much less trouble than Sena was. Look at him, he was skipping practices, missing school, running into bathrooms crying; how much lower did it get? And Hiruma was wasting his time worrying. Sena, lost in his dark thoughts, nearly walked straight into his door. He was home. On the inside of the door, there was another note left by his mom.

"Sena,

I'll be out of town for a few days- work, socializing, charming the high and mighty bosses in hopes of a raise. :) The regular. You're a big boy, and there's enough food in the kitchen for a couple of days, so take care of yourself. I'll phone to check in on you.

-xoxo, Mom."

Sena smiled, knowing his mom was working hard to make sure Sena had everything he needed. His dad was constantly away as well, but he appreciated their efforts. They had moved farther into the city so he could go a better high school, and paid the higher prices for a smaller house, as well as the pricey tuition fees and supplies. Sena didn't feel any anger at them for being gone so long, and hoped that one day he could make it up to them. They really did love him.

He dropped the note on the floor, and marched upstairs to his bedroom, where he promptly dropped his bag and fell asleep on his bad after his very, very hard day.

**AN: Comments? Criticisms? Contradictions? I'd love to hear anything, even if you hate it. (Because, you know, there has to be a good reason to hate something, and I'd be sure to improve from hearing what was turning off my readers so much!)**

Lunapokema: As usual, thank you for the encouragement…(I'm squealing inside. I just can't put it to words. I forgot how happy reviews make me.) I'm constantly taking notes on how to write from you. "Don't use the same pronouns! Hiruma can be warm and fuzzy! Hiru/Sena is just as awesome as you thought it was!"

kakashisninjadogs: A new reviewer? Awesomenator! That is part of my intention, to make the self-injuring scenes rather unpleasant, because that's what it really is. But I am really happy I made you giddy! Working with a character like Hiruma is quite fun, if a bit challenging. (I made a note to myself for this chapter: "More giddy moments! More!" I'll take a picture if you don't believe me.)

SailorSaturntheSilencer: Oh, short reviews are great. Any reviews are great. I'm thankful you took the time to even say anything at all! I'm nervous because I'm working hard to make sure I don't need to put an OOC warning at the beginning of my story…wait, I have style? Now I know why writers worship their readers. Thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: March 7 - Sorry it's not a real update! I know, I know…but I thought I should leave a note to anyone reading that I'm going to be away from computers for a bit, so the next update might take a little bit longer, but I definitely haven't disappeared. Even if it comes kicking and screaming, I shall finish this story in all it's low-reviewed glory! (Reviews would be awesome, for sure. But I'll update as soon as I can even if there aren't any new ones.)**

Sena knew he had needed sleep, but he hadn't realized how much. He had thought about getting some cleaning or eating done, or even doing some homework. Instead, he had fallen asleep as soon as he got home from practice, which had been around five-thirty. It was now midnight, and he was still feeling a slight urge to lie back in bed to sleep, but Sena resisted it. His first clear thought was that he was never getting up for school in the morning at this rate, but then he remembered that he didn't have to; he wasn't going to school tomorrow. That's what he told everyone already, so no one would be shocked.

But that didn't mean they were going to be happy. Specifically, Hiruma wasn't going to be happy. Sena already knew that. He just wasn't sure what he was going to do about it, to resolve whatever had been spawned during yesterday's catastrophe. The whole thing was giving Sena a massive headache, on top of the lingering one from the night before. A half-hearted attempt to rub it out through his temples didn't work, so instead he resumed his previous day's pondering of the subject. Hiruma was usually so straightforward, but the argument yesterday left Sena disconcerted.

Present on Hiruma's face had been anger, lots of it, as well as a few other vague emotions, that part was clear to Sena. But as is the case with many conflicts, Sena wasn't sure of the 'why'. Not only did he want to know why Hiruma had been so irritated, but why he had been even more irritated when Sena tried to lay Hiruma's concerns down to rest. If it wasn't going to affect Sena's football game, what more was there to it?

Sena groaned. The whole situation had gone from fatiguing, but simple, to fatiguing and complex. Before the argument with Hiruma, he just had to make sure no one knew about the injuries he had been inflicting on himself, which had been nerve-wracking and tiring, but it had been a simple plan to execute. Now, he not only had to continue hiding it, but he had to deal with Hiruma. And it wasn't just regular, gun toting, swearing Hiruma either.

Hiruma was on a warpath. The mental image of Hiruma chasing Sena, yelling "Fucking Chibi!" sent his heart racing and made him a little light-headed. Sena wondered about the dizziness, because he had just gotten quite a few hours of sleep. Ah, right, food. He had no food in his system. Food was the key to energy. Right.

Yet he couldn't make himself go and eat. In his current state, eating was a struggle, and it made him feel even sicker than he already did. Sena cringed. He already knew from the attempt to get something down earlier today. As well, it wasn't exactly on the top of his priorities list. The slight feeling of dizziness was a bit bothersome, but Sena was drinking water and he did eat some cereal this morning. Hopefully a day off would provoke his appetite a bit more.

Sena decided, instead of worrying about Hiruma and fussing over his lack of appetite, to finish up the homework that should've been handed in earlier at school. He walked over to search through his bag for the textbooks necessary, and knocked himself on the forehead. So, so stupid. He had forgotten about the bandages he had tossed in his backpack. They would've been useful before, when he was rushing to stop his legs from bleeding before football practice.

Shaking his head at his stupidity, he pulled out the worksheets and the textbooks to begin working at the complex equations. He wasn't very good at it, but he had found that if he worked hard and watched himself for minor mistakes, he could keep up a pretty decent grade.

However, as he looked at the papers filled with numbers and symbols, he just couldn't do it. He tried to go through the steps, using the shortcuts and tips the teacher had given them, and tried to do them, but for each equation he struggled evem to set them up. He squinted his eyes, sat in different positions, turned on a desk light, but nothing seemed to be helping.

He had been doing all right with this math unit before, but he couldn't understand why it was so much trouble right now. Maybe the teacher was right, and he wasn't good enough for the class, maybe not even good enough for Deimon high school. He had barely made it through the entrance exams. When he came that first day to check his number, he was just barely above the 'rejected' line. Perhaps it was his destiny to be idiotic.

Sena tossed his pencil with frustration, letting out a little groan of disgust. Homework was getting the better of him. Hiruma was winning, the teacher was winning, and even the part of himself that Sena wished to vanish forever was getting the better of him.

This was worse than elementary and junior high. At least then, he could have said that it was easier to be pathetic than to get beat up for standing up to the assholes. But now, it was simple things like homework pushing him over the edge. All he had to do was finish it, but he couldn't even get started.

Sena let his head drop to the desk, savouring the collision of his forehead on hardwood, eyes watering, which he blamed completely on the stinging of his forehead. The liquid leaking out of his eyes had nothing to do with the self-loathing that was starting to become natural to Sena. Besides, the slight pain on his head was much easier to comprehend than anything else so far, including complicated math problems, and even more complicated team captains.

Sena turned off the desk light, and walked over to lie down on his bed. Wiping at his eyes with a hand, he considered his options. He could try sleeping again, but he was incredibly worked up over both the homework and his thoughts about Hiruma. He could go try to do the homework again, but if hadn't been able to start it now, he probably wouldn't be any better in five minutes. He could eat, but his stomach was still twisting and turning uncomfortably.

However, why not try to fix the appetite problem? Force himself to have an appetite? With new persistence, Sena decided he'd go run for a bit. He wouldn't be testing himself, but just running at a more relaxed speed. It was late, but if a stranger with unlawful intentions approached him, Sena could easily sprint away. It was his specialty, his only one, but it was useful enough for some occasions.

Sena tried to ignore the fact that running away from things was his one talent.

Sena was still in his football clothes, and didn't bother to change. He was going to smell bad either way, so he figured it was better to not mess up a clean set of clothes. He grabbed a key, locked the door, and ran outside into the pitch-black night. The asphalt streets reflected orange lights, and as he started running down the sidewalk, his eyes followed the shadows formed by the unnatural lights.

As he ran away from one light, his shadow would shorten until he started approaching a new light, and then would stretch behind him. If he focused too much on it, it became almost hypnotic. Sena shook his head and looked forward, and realized he was starting to approach the downtown area of the city. He hadn't realized how long he had been running. Hypnotic lights indeed.

Here, there was much more activity than back in the area he lived, which was already asleep. The skyscrapers all had lights around their logos and their roofs, giving this part of the city an almost ethereal glow. Sena paused to take his breath in, something itching at the back of his mind. He should remember something about skyscrapers. It was only something he had heard in passing – it had been a warning, but he couldn't remember what it was.

Sena turned back to start running home again. If he continued much farther, he'd start getting into the area of the city that high school students really shouldn't be. There would be nightclubs and bars and a few patrons that probably wouldn't appreciate a scrawny boy in unclean track pants. Just because Sena could run away didn't mean he should provoke such incidents. Definitely time to get home.

As his breathing was becoming more than a little laboured, Sena reached his house. The air was tearing in and out of Sena's throat, drying out his mouth. Running like this didn't usually leave him so tired, despite the fact that he was a sprinter, not an endurance runner. He was sure it was now around one or one-thirty in the morning, and he felt tired enough to fall asleep, having completely forgotten that he set out to increase his appetite.

He stepped into the house, and wondered why everything was a little bit blurry. He blinked his eyes a few times, thinking they too were dry, and reached back to lock the door. It wouldn't do to have someone break in now, not after he had just avoided any criminals in a late-night jog.

Sena started moving towards the stairs, but his legs felt like lead, and everything was getting a little bit blurrier with each step. He surmised that he was much more tired than he had previously realized, and figured that would explain the lead-filled legs and the diminishing vision. It also explained why he stumbled on the first step of the stairs, and passed out.

* * *

There was a knocking at the door. Someone was knocking. Sena blinked a few times, muscles not responding well to moving. It seemed that everything from his neck to his knees were sore and unyielding. He woke up quite quickly when he realized he was lying on the stairs, the door only a few metres away, and the person knocking persistently a few more inches after that.

As he stood up, he stumbled to the ground, one of his legs numb, and most definitely not as awake as Sena was. Sena instantly started panicking, realizing he had collapsed on the stairs last night, exhausted, and still in his running clothes. He wanted to cry, as pitiful as that was, and hide. What the hell was wrong with him? It wasn't normal to pass out after runs, and it wasn't normal to cut your legs up on a daily basis. God, why couldn't he be normal?

And someone was still knocking at the door, furiously.

"One…one moment. Just a second!" Sena's voice was hoarse, and cracked on the first try. He cleared his throat, and shook the leg, desperately trying to get it working. He then rubbed his eyes, working on the crust of sleep, and tried to slow his breathing down. There was a mirror in the living room. How did he look? Sena knew the answer, but he wanted to know exactly how bad it was. And so, he ran into the living room.

He looked awful. With that awareness, he got a feeling of déjà vu…Sunday. On Sunday, he had looked in the mirror, and had come to the same realization. Nothing had changed. And he was as ill-prepared to deal with strangers then as he was now. Doing his best to smooth out his shirt and pants, as well as his hair, he ran back to the main hallway, and knocked his shoes into a corner behind the door. Whoever was at the door started knocking again, even more impatient than before.

"Please, just a moment. I'll be right there." Sena did his best to conjure up a loud voice, but realized he failed. His voice didn't leave any emotion uncovered. Sena could hear the sadness, the desperation, and worst of all, the fear in his voice. He started sweating, panicking, wondering whom it was. What if someone from the school came by to inquire about his unexcused absence?

Resting a hand on his chest, he fully realized how hard his heart was beating. It was unnatural after just waking up. Sena was once again hit by dizziness, but then admonished himself for being easily distracted. He needed to deal with whomever was at the door, then worry about the dizziness later. Once more smoothing his hair, he walked over to the door, unlocked it, and pulled it open.

Standing there was a blonde-haired, green-eyed demon captain. Sena felt ready to collapse. His mouth hung open, as a very small voice in his mind made him aware of the shit luck he had. Hiruma was standing at his door, in the golden sun of the fading afternoon, framing him, staring back at the shocked running back. It was almost ethereal, in a way that frightened Sena. He took a step backwards, and Hiruma took his own few steps into the house. His face was stony as he looked at Sena.

"Ahh…ah, Hiruma…?" Sena couldn't keep the astonishment out of his just-awakened voice, both at the fact that Hiruma was here, and at the awful, awful luck Sena had. Hiruma was the worst person Sena could've seen at this moment, the very worst. There was no position Sena could have been in that left him more vulnerable than this.

"Not a very good host, are you, pipsqueak?" Hiruma raised an eyebrow at Sena, waiting for a response. Sena jumped at the words, waving Hiruma into the living room and took the opportunity to run in the kitchen to find something to offer Hiruma. The artificial light of the refrigerator hit Sena as he tugged open the door and yanked out a jug of fruit juice, all while trying to compose himself enough to meet Hiruma, face to face.

It was going to be a battle, both against his…problem, and Hiruma. Sena winced, knowing that both were at an advantage right now. He should've known how much worse this could have become. He had really thought it was bad before. In almost any other circumstances, Sena would've laughed at how naïve that idea had been. In these circumstances, however…Sena just didn't have the energy, or the happiness to laugh. The metaphorical tank was empty, running on nothing.

He zipped back out into the living room with a glass and the fruit juice, and poured some for Hiruma, doing his best not to spill it all over. His hands were shaking, almost violently, but he succeeded. Good.

"Aren't going to have any, fucking shrimp? Looks like you need it." Hiruma didn't touch the glass, but did sit down on one of the sofas in the living room, eyes not moving from Sena. Sena paled a little bit at Hiruma's blunt disposition, but said nothing. He stood there as Hiruma just stared at him for a while, waiting for him to crack. After a few moments, Sena couldn't handle it. His vision was starting to tunnel, the outlines of everything getting darker, mouth becoming dry, and knew he needed to get away.

"Hiruma, I, ah, need to have a shower. The remote is to your right if you get bored or anything." Sena flinched a bit when his voice broke once more, as he had only gotten up a few minutes before. Hiruma said nothing, but continued to glare at Sena. Not expecting anything else, Sena turned to make his way to the stairs and up to the shower, but paused as Hiruma started speaking.

"You didn't shower last night, after you went running?" Sena felt his heart rate skip, his muscles freeze, his stomach drop, and a cold sweat break out at the comment. How could he know?

That's what he had forgotten. Hiruma loved skyscrapers. He loved spying. He had seen Sena last night. The same voice in the back of Sena's head reminded that his luck wasn't just awful, it was hellish. Without turning, Sena replied.

"I was quite tired afterwards, so I just went straight to bed." No use denying it. Sena's breath was coming too quick now, and it could be heard. He was surprised the neighbours didn't come complaining. Sena couldn't control it. The air rushed past his lips, to the point where he might've been panting from a good workout. He barely finished the sentence.

"On the stairs?" At that question, Sena had to reach out to the railing of the stairs to keep standing. Of course, Hiruma had looked in through the windows by the door. They were rippled, and the door was at an angle to the stairs, but he had probably seen Sena's arm or leg. Or, maybe he hadn't…Sena wouldn't admit to anything this time.

"Ha…whatever you say, Hiruma." Sena knew that he was full of crap, and Hiruma knew it too, but Sena couldn't just agree with Hiruma. He had to put up a fight. Before Hiruma could say anything else, Sena ran upstairs. At the top, he had to pause for his breath. He was still so tired. He probably could've slept for another eight hours. Or cried for that amount of time. Either/or.

Running into his room, he grabbed a spare towel hanging off his closet door. As well, he reached for a certain box from inside his dresser. Sena was giving up on the idea of trying to ignore the urge. He knew he'd need it, and wouldn't be able to fight it, just as he couldn't fight Hiruma. Might as well plan ahead, so that he wouldn't have to rush out of the shower, screaming for it, alerting Hiruma to his sick habit.

With the two necessary items, he ran to the bathroom, and locked the door. He was not going to take any risks. The last thing he needed was Hiruma deciding he wanted to observe Sena, and to see everything; every last scar and cut, with the bruising only a forcefully inflicted wound could make.

As the water started heating up, he pulled the lid off the small cardboard container. Inside lay his salvation, his trump card in his struggle with life. An exacto knife. Pristine plastic casing held it, with soft contours for the easiest grip. The case wasn't necessary. When Sena needed to carve up his body, he would've held the blade bare. It wouldn't matter anyway; if he were slicing up his thigh, why would he care about his hand?

The sharp metal reflected the cool bathroom lights rather pleasantly. It would help Sena now, more than ever. It would help him relax, give him enough energy, enough relief to go downstairs and win against Hiruma. Sena needed to feel it now, sinking into his body, hurting him, snapping the delicate connections of microscopic veins and making his nerves sing with the pain. Making him suffer.

Sena took it with him into the shower. He still needed to clean off all of the dried sweat and grime from the last two days, but he'd hurt himself after, so the clean-up process would be shorter. The water would wash away most of the blood, and he'd only have to take care of whatever came out of him in the moments between stepping out of the shower and putting on a bandage.

It was sick how well prepared he was to do something so vile.

With shaking hands, he rubbed the soap all over his body, scouring everywhere, including his thighs. He raked his nails over the day-old cuts, and winced as the soap reached the open wounds and burned. The water at his feet quickly turned pink.

However, just like it hadn't been enough in the bathroom at school, this wasn't enough. Tears were waiting to fall out, and the stress was still clawing at his mind, screwing over whatever rational thinking ability he had left. Until those things went away, it wasn't enough. He'd hurt himself until it was enough. Oh, he wanted so much more than just imagining it, but he needed to finish cleaning first. He quickly rubbed a generic shampoo into his hair, scrubbing at his scalp and hair, cleansing himself of the filth.

With a release of a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, the cleaning was finished. He was presentable. He was also shaking. Oh, how badly he wanted this. And now…now he could do it. After waiting for what seemed like ages of scrubbing, he could hurt himself. He grabbed the exacto knife, and searched for a place he could hurt himself. There was still some untouched space on his legs, still clean of the ghastly red lesions.

He had to sit down in the shower stall, because his muscles were going weak at the thought. The bent knees in front of him were shaking, hitting each other periodically, uncontrollably. He wanted this so badly. His eyes shut for a moment, helping to control his breathing a bit more. He wouldn't let his excitement ruin the actual moment. With that preparation, he opened his eyes, and started.

On the side of his upper thigh, he pressed the point of the exacto knife down, not moving it in any other direction. It pierced the skin, but it was only a small blip on Sena's radar. He wanted much more than that. He pushed it down a little bit harder, finding just the right level in his flesh. A small driblet of blood welled up, but it was nothing compared to what was to come. Sena was practically tearing up in impatience.

With that perfect level of pressure, he pulled the exacto knife down the side of his leg, nearly yelling out at the pain. Blood instantly came to the surface, the cut gaping. It looked unreal, like a slashed canvas or a torn up shirt. He let the water run over it, and he could see the white tissue of the skin, and the tunnels of the minor veins he had cut into. As the shock of the cutting motion faded away, more blood came up through the cut, enough so that the water wasn't washing it as fast as it was running out. Sena released a breath he had been holding in anticipation, and unclenched his teeth. It was the deepest cut he had ever made, and it was the headiest rush he had ever felt.

Sitting there, as the hot water ran over him, Sena was almost able to forget the fact that Hiruma was sitting just a floor below him, waiting for him. Sena didn't even feel scared or nervous, although his heart was still racing. The air seemed to ooze in and out of Sena, almost viscous, and despite the heat racing over his skin, Sena had the sensation of being cold. A little strange, but he liked it.

The exacto knife fell out of his hands as he continued to lay there, his eyelids at half-mast. With his hands resting limply on either side of him, smears of blood were washed away. Even if he the panic came back when he faced Hiruma, Sena knew he would be better off. He had cleaned both his body and his mind in that shower. It was going to be okay.

Having not completely forgotten about Hiruma, Sena turned off the water, the cut still bleeding quite badly. It was nothing life threatening, Sena knew that, but it would be messy if he didn't take care of it. He stepped out of the shower, the change in heart rate sending more blood down his leg. Grabbing some rubbing alcohol, he disinfected the cut while continually having to wipe streaks of blood away. There were at least four or five lumps of bloody toilet paper before Sena was able to move onto the next step.

To help stop the bleeding, he applied a liberal amount of antibiotic ointment on the cut. He then folded a few pieces of gauze into a thicker square and placed it on the cut, and kept it there with a few adhesive bandages. For the rest of the oozing, smaller injuries, he swiped a thin layer of the ointment over them as well. He winced at the throbbing pain he felt from the newest gash. It spread so much farther than the thigh. Every time his heart beat, he could feel it everywhere. It hurt so much.

Sena wrapped a towel around his waist, and leisurely made his way to his room. He searched through the pile of clothes in his room to find something to wear that would not draw attention to the slight bulge of the gauze on his leg.

A pair of plain black pants, a little on the baggy side, would do just fine. He found an equally suitable, clean, dark blue shirt to wear. Nothing too special, and nothing that would make Hiruma focus on his body. Sena took his time changing, savouring the clean feeling of a post-shower skin on cloth. He didn't feel dizzy, or nauseous, and he was almost happy. But not quite, because that small voice of rationality reminded him that he was cutting himself up to find relief. It wasn't right. Sena drowned it out as best he could.

The realistic part of Sena knew that relaxed mindset would change once he had to face Hiruma, but he was going to enjoy these few moments of rest from everything. Once finished dressing and mussing with his hair, he knew that he could no longer stall.

He had to go face Hiruma.

**AN: The glorious reviewers!**

SailorSaturntheSilencer: Never say that much? You might as well stick me with a needle full of love, I'm so happy. I don't know how you guys could get any nicer. There'll be a few more confrontations, I think. Sena's pretty dead-set in his ways. As well as some squicky scenes. Alas, in real life, problems don't vanish with love. (Except for reviewer love. That's a whole different (foot)ball game.) Bad pun, bad pun! Sorry. But thank you!

Crazyb1tch85: Oh, goodness me. I did a five-minute dance when I got your review. No exaggeration, I timed it. Poor Sena is going to go through quite a few more struggles, but Hiruma's got some tricks up his sleeve. Oh, I know about the warm-cuddly side (Lunapokema rawks!) but it'll take a little bit more. You'll see. I'm doing Hiruma well? Sena's good? I think you just put off my heart attack for another few weeks. You have prolonged my life. My thanks!

White Ivy: Timeline? Oh, those timelines. Unfortunately, I'll have to place it in a vague, semi-AU timeline, as if the Death March had never started. It's around March in the story (you'll see why! I have a reason.) and besides that, everything else is the same. Thank you for the reminder! Oh, Sena has a ways to go, but he'll have some help.

hentai-monkey: That makes me very happy to hear that you like it a lot. The review really means a lot. I'm going to do my very best to keep the characters in character for the story, and to make the story realistic. And you're right on the set-up. I will definitely continue this story to the end! (No author-disappearances here!)

Aoi-sama: Cute? That's the first time I've looked at it that way, but it is kind of cute (if you ignore the whole awful cause behind the worry). I know I'm a meanie. But at the same time, I'm cuddling a happy-Sena for the end. Happy-ish, anyway.

akuma-river: I might just have to start using 'coolsa' now. I'm glad you love it, and thank you for the alert! I get giddy when that type of thing happens. Hopping up and down, swinging my kitten around, starting fan art: I do the whole shebam. Thank you so much!


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I'm back, I'm back. I'll try not to disappear from my darling files like that for a little bit. Anyway, here's the new chapter with more Hiruma-goodness! (As I see it, anyway. Any Hiruma is good Hiruma!)**

Despite the endorphins rushing through Sena's body from the pain of the large gash on his thigh, he still needed to take a few breaths to try to assemble his composure. This was Hiruma, after all. However, where he had been a crumbling building before, he now had something propping him up to face any storm. No longer was his voice cracking at the slightest attempt to speak. The slight empty ache in Sena's chest wasn't a bad thing. That he was pretty sure of.

In his dark mood, Sena didn't expect to be the champion in the coming confrontation. But perhaps he would be able to stand up enough to walk away with some dignity, if nothing else.

With that, Sena left his room and made his way to the stairs that would lead him to Hiruma. Okay, so his heart was beating pretty damn fast. It always did when he was talking to Hiruma. That's just what Hiruma did to him. Whether it was consulting him during a game or asking him what he should practice, he always got a little bit flustered. And so he slipped a little bit on the first step, that was just the lack of food and need for sleep. That had nothing to do with Hiruma.

Thankfully, or rather, miraculously Sena made it down all the stairs. He then closed his eyes for a moment, just slightly longer than a blink, and prepared himself once more.

There was Hiruma. The television hadn't been turned on, and the juice hadn't been touched. Hiruma was still sitting there, his arms resting on the back of the sofa, legs resting on the coffee table. How could he be so composed, so completely untouched by the world around him? Sena could admit it; he was pretty shaken up, and Hiruma could lie there, almost in a sleepy way, while Sena was going insane.

Shouldn't the world be crumbling, the coming of the final apocalypse? It's how Sena felt, or rather, how he would have been feeling. His little session in the shower helped dam the torrent of doubts and emotions that Sena really didn't want to feel right then. Instead, he was able to quirk up a corner of his mouth in some semblance of humour and sit down on the loveseat near the sofa Hiruma was lying on.

The motion jostled the gauze underneath his clothing a little bit, but it brought a world of pain for Sena. He had to keep himself from wincing, or sighing, or giving any sign that he was in pain and, worse yet, that he liked it. So he sat there, muscles tense, and waited. The smile hadn't cracked yet.

It felt like hours, but Sena was pretty sure that they only sat there for a few minutes. His eyes shifted from Hiruma to blank television to the window, with sunlight being filtered through pale curtains, and then back to Hiruma again. Hiruma, on the other hand, seemed to be only looking at Sena. The attention was unnerving.

"How are you?" Sena knew how strange and out of place the question was, which was exactly why he asked. The first question that had actually come to mind was, "Why are you here?" but in truth, Sena didn't want to hear why Hiruma was here. Sena had a pretty good idea why Hiruma was here, and felt a little bit better keeping his mind innocent of how much Hiruma knew. Hiruma's eyebrows lowered, exaggerating the slight frown that was already on his face. Sena hadn't expected any less.

"What kind of question is that, you fucking pipsqueak?" Hiruma snarled. So he wasn't as composed as Sena had thought. He was already huffy. It brought up a memory of a cat Sena had once trod on when he was little, but even the humiliating comparison didn't make his face crack. Sena was about to reply, but Hiruma continued on. "I'm fucking fine, it's you that everyone's worrying about." Hiruma was good.

That allegation of group worrying swept Sena's confidence right out the door. He had known that Mamori thought he was sick, but the others hadn't seemed to notice too much. This is exactly what he hadn't wanted. If they believed all his lies, however, it could they were only worried because they thought he was sick with a bug, and not worried because they thought he was killing himself.

"Well, I am a bit ill, but it's not that bad…they shouldn't be too concerned, I'll be fine in a few days, I'm sure." Sena gave a slightly sheepish smile, which fit the façade of an ill teenager perfectly, but Hiruma's anger wasn't going to take it.

"Someone who's sick is throwing up, or has a fever, or a damn cough. You're not ill, you just look like crap… It's something else." Hiruma's tone lessened in harshness during the last part. It made every muscle in Sena's body tense up. This is what he had to watch out for. Sena thought with some indignation he had quite a few symptoms of being sick physically, even though he knew it was worse than that.

He was sick mentally. Sick and disgusting and freakish. If only that could be cured with a few days rest and some hot liquids. Sena had to lower his eyes and blink hard a few times, as if Hiruma would be able to know those words if Sena kept eye contact for too long.

"Well, I feel pretty ill. My mom's away right now, but when she comes back, I can go to the doctor." The lie came out smoothly. Sena wouldn't go the doctor, not like this. His doctor would have Sena get in one of those hospital gowns, and would see the scars. He would be sent away, to some place where they could keep him away from the public. No, the lie would have to do to ease Hiruma's mind.

"Fucking…" Hiruma muttered to himself, folding his arms and looking away. There. That was Sena's opportunity to get away, for at least a moment.

"Want anything to eat? I'll go grab something." Sena didn't wait for Hiruma's answer. He hadn't drunk any of the juice, and he probably didn't want any distractions from here and now. If Hiruma had come all the way to Sena's house to confront him, he wasn't going to allow anything to get in his way, especially silly distractions like food.

So if Hiruma didn't want the distraction, then Sena probably did. An inverse relationship, or something equally scientific. Unfortunately, Sena was assuming he could make it to the kitchen like a normal person would. It didn't quite go as planned.

As Sena stood up, the dizziness hit him harder than it had before, and he lost the ability to stand unaided. More accurately, a spot of vertigo hit him, with things seeming to go unfocused. On the verge of falling, he grasped the back of the sofa to keep from tumbling down onto the floor. If the observational Master Hiruma could read his face like a book, then he certainly wouldn't miss Sena stumbling. And he didn't. In all actuality, he sat up quite swiftly when he saw Sena wavering like that.

Oh no. Hiruma thought Sena was going to pass out in front of him. Worse yet, Sena was beginning to wonder if he just might do that. No! He wouldn't.

"Don't…stand. Sorry…sorry." Sena went and sat back down, defeated. His worst nightmare would be Hiruma having to help him stand. That would be the end of it, and Hiruma would be right. Sena pulled his knees up and wiped his face with his hand. "I told you, I haven't been feeling well. I haven't eaten very much for a while." Sena sighed tiredly. Maybe he could just ask Hiruma to leave. Leave him alone, and leave him to rest. Instead, Hiruma pushed the glass of juice over to him. Sena ignored it.

"What have you been eating?" Hiruma asked the sentence with grim inflection, but with no swears. This was taking a downward turn. If Hiruma decided to be kind to him, Sena wasn't sure he'd be able to withstand it.

"Some cereal yesterday, that bento Monta shared with me on Friday, and a lot of water, I guess." Sena grimaced at how pathetic it sounded, when said out loud. It hadn't seemed quite that bad earlier. This time, Hiruma stood up and thrust the glass of juice into Sena's view.

"Drink it, you fucking idiot. You want to pass out? What the hell were you thinking, running around last night?" Hiruma sat back down, the more common, angered tone back to his voice. Sena felt a bit better. To be chided for doing something stupid was normal. The way he had asked the previous question…it was strange. Sena didn't like the weird new things he was encountering with Hiruma.

Sena took the glass, and began sipping at the juice. It slid down his throat, tasteless, but Sena kept sipping. He really didn't want to faint like one of Sakuraba's fans and give Hiruma to opportunity to check him over, to find something he didn't like.

"Thank you Hiruma. I'll try to force down some more food. I'll be fine in a few days. Thank you though." Sena tried to give his sentence a conclusive ending, which would then force Hiruma to leave, but it didn't work. He was beginning to give up hopes that Hiruma would leave without Sena kicking him outright.

He probably thought that Sena would never kick him out forcefully, and Sena had to agree. Sena felt a lump in his throat, and swallowed it away painfully. The act he had put on seemed to be fending off Hiruma enough so far. Too bad Sena forgot to knock on wood with that last thought.

"Why were you running around last night, stupid?" The question was insulting, but no swears. This strange, different Hiruma was surfacing again. Sena practically squirmed. He didn't know how to deal with this different side. It was too weird. Worse yet, it worked.

"Well, I had already been sleeping for a while, and I still hadn't eaten, so I thought if I exercised, I could work my appetite back up to par." Sena felt a little bit better, not having to lie. That is actually what happened, and if Hiruma decided to accuse him of lying, Sena could deny it wholeheartedly. This was a little bit better.

"Only you would pull that kind of crap. Fuck." Hiruma lay back, on the couch, and turned on the T.V. That, apparently, signified the end of the conversation. Sena finished off the juice, and lay down to watch whatever mindless show was on. Hiruma finally settled on a home improvement show, of all the things, and Sena didn't argue. Anything was better than trying to fend off Hiruma's questions.

The program was boring as it was, but when added to Sena's exhaustion, both physically and mentally, it was practically a lullaby. Even the sharp pains coming from the cut as Sena shifted wasn't doing anything to help keep him awake. Sena's eyes slid shut, and he fell into a sleepy level of unconsciousness, at that point sounds can be heard, but not really registered. It was comfortable.

Unlike sitting in silence, much more time passed while you were sleeping. Sena woke up to Hiruma nudging him with a foot. It was dark out, and the T.V. was still on the same dull channel. Sena blinked and yawned a few times. Hiruma stood, towering over the curled up Sena on a stubby loveseat.

"What do you have to eat, pipsqueak?" Hiruma glowered, hands resting on his slender hips. Sena took a few seconds to figure out that Hiruma was asking about food, and not Sena's current mental state. Somewhat of a relief, at the very least.

"Something in the fridge, I think." Sena started to snuggle back into the lovely position he had on the loveseat, but Hiruma wasn't moving. Ah, right, Sena was the host. Of course, Hiruma had come over uninvited, unwanted, but was waiting for Sena to serve him. Maybe Hiruma wasn't so concerned over Sena if he was making him get up from what little sleep he had been getting. With a grumble, Sena stood up slowly this time, to prevent any dizziness, and shuffled over to the fridge.

His mom had left takeout for him, and quite a bit. It was a day or so old, but Hiruma didn't seem like the picky type. At the moment, Sena wouldn't have cared if that were the case. He grabbed one of the white cardboard containers and dumped the contents of it on a plate. Fries and pieces of deep fried chicken, or something equally greasy.

Sena normally loved this kind of Western food, but repeating the sequence of the last couple of days, Sena couldn't make himself want it. After tossing it in the microwave for a few minutes, he brought the plate and utensils out to Hiruma, who proceeded to stare at it as if Sena were serving Cerberus. Sena was indeed puzzled.

"What, do you think you're done? Go get something for yourself! The juice won't keep you going." Hiruma grabbed the plate, and continued watching the television. Sena wanted to know what he had to keep going for, but didn't dare ask the question. Once again, he really didn't want to know the answer. Grudgingly, he returned to the kitchen to prepare more of the fried food.

He repeated the process of dumping and nuking to the food, and walked back out to sit with Hiruma. Determined to make a good impression and get Hiruma to leave, Sena downed the food in pretty good time. It would be ironic, and miserable for Sena if Hiruma thought he was anorexic or something of that ilk, so Sena tried to just shovel it in as quickly as possible. It wasn't exactly the best tactic, as a few minutes after both empty plates were lying on the table, Sena's stomach fought back against this barrage of heavy food, and Sena let out a whimper as he tried not to gag.

Hiruma heard the sound, and strolled over at an authoritative pace. Sena stood up to rush over to the nearest bathroom, in his mom's bedroom, but Hiruma stopped him. Sena was going to throw up, and didn't want to be scrubbing vomit off the floor all night long. He tried to tug himself out of Hiruma's grip, already turned away from him, but an arm snagged him solidly around the waist, another hand clamped around mouth. Hiruma yanked Sena closer, his back to the captain's chest. The unexpected warmth threw Sena off, if only for a moment.

Sena looked up at, wanting to yell, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" but the hand prevented him from doing so. Sena whimpered again, and realized with horror that there was a chance he was going to throw up all over Hiruma.

"Keep...It…Down." Hiruma emphasized each word with a slight pull of his hand against Sena's mouth. Great, Sena had thrown him off his trail, but only in a much weirder direction. The hand on his stomach moved in a few small, soft circles. Sena would've been much more surprised by this gentle contact had he not been trying to follow Hiruma's orders.

Much better. Sena looked away from Hiruma, and did indeed keep all the food down, much to his amazement.

Once the heaving of his muscles stopped, he pulled himself out of Hiruma's hold and slumped back down in his chair. Sena rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingers; headache coming on from all the pressure the heaving had placed on his heart and his head. And Hiruma must think he was bulimic or something. Who wouldn't? He had nearly thrown up the second after he had eaten. Sure enough, Hiruma questioned the whole thing.

"Is…that your problem?" Hiruma sounded unsure, like he didn't know how to go about such an awkward situation. But there remained a determined, hard gleam in his eyes. Sena thought that Hiruma was doing a pretty good job dealing with this, considering it was _Hiruma._ Too bad he was a bit off target.

"God, no! I'm not bulimic, I swear. I just haven't been able to stomach much for a while, and that meal was kind of massive and heavy and I ate too quickly. Sorry…" Sena started to laugh, a little one, but a natural one at that. In contrast, the situation was unnatural, and so unnecessary. Sena had a problem, but it had nothing to do with his appearance. The constant reminder was that he was scrawny and a pipsqueak. There'd have to be a pretty powerful magician to convince Sena otherwise. Hiruma relaxed at the statement, convinced by the last little laugh.

"Fucking scared me…" He growled, and lay back down on the couch. Sena froze, and realized that had been Hiruma scared. So Sena hadn't imagined that change in his stance, or the tentative hold Hiruma had in him earlier? That slightly different crease in his brow, a different angle to his eyebrows.

It had all been very subtle, almost non-existent, but Sena, looking back, saw it now. If Hiruma had been scared, that meant he had worried…he had cared. Sena blushed. In the light of the television, it couldn't be seen, but Sena felt it. Before he could even get a chance to be happy at this revelation, his thoughts took a turn for the worst, almost out of habit.

Sena's eyes widened, his chest hurting at the next thought. Hiruma shouldn't care. It was just Sena. Sena's the kind of person who could drop off the Earth, and it wouldn't ever be noticed. There was so little to him. He was just a stupid teenager with an even more stupid problem. Hiruma was wasting his time, sitting here, wasting his time.

Sena turned his face away from the television.

God, he had been so close enjoying himself. Him and Hiruma had almost been just hanging out, ignoring the fact that Hiruma had come here to interrogate him, and that Sena had almost thrown up all over his guest. He didn't deserve that odd, Hiruma-style kindness, because what had he done to earn it? Hiruma wasn't here to hang out though. Sena bit his lip, but a small, pathetic gasp came out anyway. Hiruma started to turn at the sound, and Sena opened his mouth before he could stop himself.

"Hiruma, why are you really here? Shouldn't you leave soon?" Sena caught himself before he coule let out another gasp at his own stupid question. Hadn't that been the question he avoided asking? The words came out on their own, again.

But once again, a part of him wanted to hear why this was all happening. Looking back, from the very moment he had opened the door for his captain, the whole thing had been surreal and strange and unnatural, as was a lot of Hiruma's behaviour. Why? Why would Hiruma be wasting his time here? Sena missed the tiny fraction of hope that accompanied his question.

"Uhh, because you're a mess, and it's not a virus and not the flu and not the Huh-huh brothers. I want to know why! Why are you so out of it? Why are you so unhappy? What are you hiding? I want an answer, fucking pipsqueak. Not that bullshit in the change room." Hiruma finally sat up and muted the television. He turned and rested his elbows on his knees, staring directly at Sena. It was intimidating, but only a little pissed, which was even harder to deal with than an enraged Hiruma.

The silence was pushing against Sena's very eardrums. He caught himself almost asking Hiruma to un-mute the T.V., but figured it could only put off answering for a few moments. Sena clasped his arms to himself again, and pulled up his knees. He suddenly felt much colder. What was the easiest to answer, and what was the hardest? 'Kay, first to last. That looked about right. This time, the power of lip biting prevented any more whimpers from escaping Sena's throat.

"Well, Hiruma, I'm out of it because I haven't been eating or sleeping very well, and I don't really know why. You already figured that out though." Hiruma stayed quiet, waiting for Sena to answer. He was frozen, his face stoic and still, mouth closed in a firm line. He wasn't going to interrupt Sena, or make him hurry. Sena appreciated the gesture, as he was having a hard time keeping himself together.

"I…don't know why I'm unhappy either, because I shouldn't be unhappy. What could be making me unhappy? I have everything I could want, and nothing's wrong with my life. Hiruma, I want to know why - I want to know too." Sena paused once more, not being able to look at Hiruma now. How could he be so pathetic? First he'd talk about all of his irrational feelings and next he was going to ask Hiruma to braid his hair. Sena could feel his eyes watering in shame. In a country where the brightest and the best can barely get by, Sena was completely useless.

He quickly grabbed the two plates, and knew he was as transparent as dishes themselves. Continuing to look at anything but Hiruma, he walked into the kitchen, and washed up to distract himself. For the first time in Sena's memory, the time taken up by cleaning dishes seemed to be little more than a blink, and he had nothing keeping him from going back into the living room.

His tears were gone, but his eyes were still puffy and it worried him to think that the tears could just burst into existence again. He was letting his defenses fall again, and he'd regret it later if he continued like this. With that last thought, he walked back into the living room.

Hiruma was sitting in the same place, same position, staring at the ceiling until Sena was settled in his chair. He looked directly at Sena, eyebrows raised in expectation. Sena had one more question to answer.

"I'm not hiding anything Hiruma. I'm unhappy, yes, but I'm a teenager, and that happens a lot to teenagers, right? I didn't want to tell you, because it's stupid, but now you know and I have nothing else to say." Sena's knuckles were white as he clasped them together expectantly. He had denied hiding anything, as planned, though even to him, it sounded phony. Sena couldn't count how many times he had lied lately. At some point, he found himself not even thinking of it beforehand. It was almost as disturbing as the idea of cutting himself was.

Everyone lied at least once, and some people lied a lot, but few people did what Sena did. It was horrifying, and repulsive, but Sena needed it. There was no denying it to his self now, though he'd freely deny it with everyone else. The only thing worse than having his friends worry would be his friends loathing him, repulsed. Sena couldn't imagine what he'd do if that situation came to be. He didn't want to think about what he'd do. It was too much.

But he refused to tell Hiruma. Sena might have to work hard at it for a few weeks to show Hiruma he was getting better with everything, but he wasn't going to tell Hiruma about what he did. He told him about the unhappiness because maybe if he gave the wolf one sheep, he could get away with the rest of the herd. By Hiruma's response, it didn't seem to have worked. Hiruma gave out a disgusted grunt.

"I told you not to lie to me, because you're a shitty liar. But I guess if you're going to lie, that's fine." Hiruma just trailed off, and once again lay back down on the sofa, and turned the sound back on. Sena sat there, a little stunned at how that had ended. He had expected a lot more anger, or many more questions, but that seemed a little too easy. Sena eyed the clock beside the television. It was almost eight-thirty, and Hiruma was still here.

"Hiruma, isn't it a bit late? When do you have to go home?" With that, Sena wondered briefly if Hiruma's parents had rules like that, or if Hiruma lived with his parents at all. He heard a laugh come from the couch. It was a mocking little laugh, like he was being slow and should have figured out the answer by now.

"I'm not going home. I'm staying here until I know what's wrong with you, and it gets fixed. You have some extra blankets, right?" Hiruma continued to watch the T.V. as Sena nearly passed out for the second time that day.

Hiruma was going to live with him until he knew. Sena wanted to hide under a rock and die.

**Here's some respect for my few, but lovely reviewers! The story shall go on! **

**P.S.: The gagging-after-eating-food-too-quickly-after-having-not-eaten-for-a-while happened to me once. Don't try that at home. Or, anywhere for that matter. **

akuma-river : I love your reviews. I've seen them elsewhere too, where you describe what you predict will happen. Very unique. Oh, I have a few things planned for Sena. Poor, poor Sena. (Oh, don't worry. Everyone knows that I'm not nearly cool enough to come up with a word like 'coolsa'. They'd totally figure out that it belonged to someone else, so I'll leave it on a little pedestal I have for my reviewers.)

SailorSaturnthesilencer : Confrontations are good, aren't they? I'm struggling a bit right now trying to work in Hiruma's character properly ("Too much sap! Too mean! Too one-dimensional! Damnit, Hiruma!") Squicky scenes are just some that may gross people out. They vary, and depend on the reader. It's mostly the description of blood and body tissue that may 'squick' out the readers. There's a scene coming in a few chapters that might be pretty squick-worthy too.

TheInflictedFinger : Of course I had a note to you! I had a baby story tossing around my mind (this one) and I had no intention of ever writing fanfiction ever again because I was way too scared of being one of those really crap writers who screw around with the characters until they have nothing to do with the series at all, but then I read your story and thought, "She's not afraid of getting bad feedback, and you're happy with her doing her best, so you go do your best too!" Here's an update!

fangirl666 : I grinned when I read your review, because my first thought was, "She has three sixes in her name, who's the dark one?" But then I remembered super-angst isn't normal fare for everyone. Thank you for the review, because I know it can be a hassle.

Kakashisninjadogs : Oh, you're back! I'm still so confused after reading your profile ("Wait, who's reading my story again?") but thank you for submitting an enthusiastic review! As to your questions, in chapter three, Sena's mom leaves a note saying she's on a business duties. It sounds a little weird to some, both parents being gone on business, but damn! Japan is so expensive to live in; school fees, house payments, food, taxes – so it sounds fair to have to 'salarymen' as parents. I hope to see you again in the coming chapters! (There shall be quite a few left, I think)


	6. Chapter 6

Sena sat in the chair, limp, eyes unfocused and aimed at the ceiling. He was so stunned he couldn't even contest the issue. He could only lie there, trying to keep his breath from hitching. If he stayed cool and calm, leaving his act seamless, maybe he could still fix this. Maybe he could…

But Sena didn't know what to do now. Hiruma was going to be watching him, supervising him, sleeping in the same room; it was going to be hell for Sena, and Hiruma was the devil. He had been right before. It had gotten so much worse.

Sena couldn't even fall asleep like this. His mind was slowly going through the whole evening, wondering what had happened. What had Sena said that gave Hiruma the idea to stay? Or worse yet, had this been Hiruma's plan all along? Maybe Sena should've shut the door on him in the first place. Of course, Hiruma would've kicked the door down. Or worse yet again, blown it up. That would've gotten the attention of the police, who would've called his mom, who would've wanted to send Sena to a doctor to see if he'd been hurt. And then everyone would know, including the police, Hiruma, and all the neighbours. Sena began to wonder if there had been any way to prevent this.

However, Sena didn't have much more time to think about the subject. Hiruma was standing up, and approaching him for the umpteenth time that day.

"Shorty, get up, we have to figure out a place for me to sleep." Hiruma smirked down at him. He knew he won. There was no fire or will in Sena to fight Hiruma again. It wasn't worth crying or becoming ill or generally feeling useless and pathetic. Hiruma had won the battle. He just had to let this one go for now. To prevent a repeat of the near-collapse earlier, Sena stood up carefully, not letting blood rush too quickly from his head again.

It helped, but Sena still felt shaky on his legs. He made his way to the stairs, and up to his room with falling, but he did have to place his hands on the wall a few times. Hiruma didn't miss any of it.

"Fucking shrimp, what the hell have you been doing lately." Hiruma phrased the question as a statement, of which Sena was grateful. If Hiruma asked any more specific questions, Sena thought that he might just answer truthfully. Which would lead to absolute chaos, Hiruma style. Sena could now easily imagine Hiruma strapping his arms to a bed to prevent Sena from hurting himself, perched high on a chair firing a gun into the ceiling.

Sena shook his head to destroy the image, but Hiruma interpreted that as another bout of dizziness. He roughly grasped Sena's elbow when he thought Sena might fall. The grip sent tingles up his spine, and Sena was glad he had avoided cutting up his arms. The compulsion often came up, but he knew how much more trouble it would be to hide it. The precaution proved worthy. Sena almost laughed at the idea. He didn't cut his arms, which made it okay to cut up his thighs. Great logic.

Sena finally led Hiruma into his room, and gently kicked some of the clothes closer to the dresser, making a rather large bare patch on the floor of his room. A muttered apology was all he could get out, but for once, it seemed Hiruma didn't notice. Sena went to the linen closet just outside his bedroom, and grabbed a few fleece blankets and an extra pillow.

"You can take the bed, I'll take the floor." Sena's voice sounded defeated, even to himself, but at the very least, it wasn't cracking. He felt lucky to be finishing his sentences. It wasn't easy. He didn't bother waiting for a response and started setting up the blankets to his liking. He was ready to lie down and just continue with his blank stare. The feeling of doom wouldn't leave him.

Sena refused to let his mind truly process the events of the day. In a detached way, he knew if he let it get to him, chaos would break loose. Every few seconds he started thinking about _it_, but blocked it out with every ounce of strength he had left. Instead of focussing on the thoughts, Sena gently jabbed his right thigh, making the cut reopen and burn in pain. It was enough to keep him quiet, and to keep any emotional response from reaching his head.

Out of nowhere, Hiruma reached over and messed Sena's hair with a little shove. Sena was left frozen, just as he had been left before. He was sure that was affection. Hiruma was being affectionate? Sena knew could feel the heat rising in his cheeks, and he wrapped his arms around himself to stave off the shy tremble that would come.

He didn't even bother to hide his response. The survival strategy Sena had now was to conceal only the essential things that truly needed to be concealed. After all, he was going to be living with him. Sena would have to prioritize what was the most important to hide from Hiruma. So a little shiver didn't matter.

"Heh. I'll phone to school in the morning, and _convince_ one of the secretaries to ignore our absence." Sena turned at Hiruma's random comment. Not only was Sena going to miss another day, but Hiruma was as well? With Sena? He opened his mouth to protest, but Hiruma cut him off.

"Ch'. You can't go to school like this. Then the damn manager and the monkey will be all over you, babying you, and get even more worried than they already are. I'm staying to make sure you don't pull off some bullshit like not eating. Dumbass." Hiruma stood there a few moments, hands poised on his hips, waiting for Sena to protest. Sena didn't. In truth, he was almost thankful. The devil was reading his mind again. He certainly didn't feel ready for school tomorrow, and he still hadn't done the math work.

"Thanks." Sena muttered it under his breath, but in the silence of his house, he might as well have yelled it. Hiruma grunted in response, which was fine for Sena. The conversation was teetering on the edge of sentimental. Definitely too weird for Sena. And the thought from before came up to the surface. If Hiruma decided to play the nice guy again, Sena wasn't sure if he'd be able to fight it off the way he had normal, angry Hiruma.

Hiruma left the room and Sena could hear him running down the stairs. Sena continued messing around his room, putting some clothes away. Hiruma ran back upstairs with the backpack he had originally had with him. With a flourish, he pulled out a pair of sweatpants and some toiletries. That confirmed it for Sena. Hiruma had this planned all along. The realization had Sena biting his lip.

So Hiruma could already predict when Sena was going to lie to him? It was a blow to Sena's character, but one he knew he deserved. Sena knew he deserved everything he got. He turned away from Hiruma, not wanting to see what kind of expression he had on his face. Triumphant? Or worse, disappointed? Hiruma, too, ignored Sena, and found his way to the bathroom. When Sena heard the door lock, he sat down roughly on the pile of blankets he made on the floor, and started crying like the pathetic little child he knew he was.

It surprised even him as the tears came out. There had been no warning, no pain in his throat, no heat rising in his face, no prickling behind the eyelids; there had been nothing, yet here he was, the salty liquid dripping down his face. He kept it quiet, the only sound when his breath caught in his throat every now and then. He had tried his best not to let the pain in his chest reach him and hit him hard, but it did, and it hurt.

All the fear and anxiety and sadness from the last couple of days – no, the last couple of weeks- came back for an encore performance. And now Hiruma was here, not planning on leaving any time soon. Sena planted his hands on his face, as if he covered the face, the rest of the world wouldn't be able to see him.

He tipped his head against his knees, and that moderate little stretch of the skin on his thighs caused a twinge of pain from the cut. It reminded Sena that he was going to have to work exponentially harder to hide all of it from Hiruma. The sheets between his legs were rapidly splotching with each drop that fell.

Sena gasped. He didn't even know if he'd be able to hurt himself now, with Hiruma staying in his home. With his eyes open so wide, Sena could feel the air drying them out, despite the tears still falling out. The fear he felt now was drowning out everything else. His breath wasn't just catching every now and then; it was fighting to get in and out. Sena was gasping, his vision going dark at in the peripheral, his hands clenching into fists.

He had only just stopped resisting the urge to hurt himself, and now he wouldn't be able to. Sena was so scared. He wanted to do it. He wanted to hurt himself now, and forget about the whole thing. He wanted to drown out all the thoughts of Hiruma still being here a week from now, or a month from now. He wanted to forget that he had admitted to Hiruma that he was miserable, didn't know why, and thus implied that he didn't know what to do about it.

Sena stood up when he realized he was gripping his arms hard enough to bruise. He ignored the tears streaming down his face, and quickly made his way to the bathroom to knock at the door. There was no plan to it, actually. Forgetting completely about his previous tactics, Sena didn't know what he was doing. Rationally, he would have tried to clean himself up at the very least before knocking at the door where Hiruma was. But Sena was definitely not rational right now. It felt like he was losing all control over his actions.

Hiruma yanked open the door, and stared in open-mouthed wonder as Sena pushed past him. He continued to stare when stood still facing Hiruma, arms wrapped around his waist, moisture still dripping down his face that he ducked to hide. Sena didn't want Hiruma reading him like a book anymore.

"Please…leave." Sena held his breath, the fear still pumping adrenaline through his system. He didn't know if he meant for Hiruma to leave to bathroom or forever. He didn't want to hear Hiruma's questions or opinions, not like this. He needed to be alone, and safe. He could lock the door in the bathroom. With a sharp intake of air, Sena remembered that he still had his exacto knife in the bathroom. If he could get Hiruma to leave, he could-he could do it, again, for the second time that day.

Sena shook his head slightly. He had decided not to fight it anymore, but two times in one day seemed so incomprehensible. Sena mentally shot back, reminding himself that he had dealt with Hiruma all day. It was excuse enough.

"What the hell is going on?" Hiruma whispered the statement with a harsh articulation. Sena flinched unwillingly, but wasn't going to back down. Hiruma had that same, strange cast to his face that Sena had seen a few too many times in the last couple of days. Anger, confusion, and a slight tinge of fear danced in the delicate lines of Hiruma's eyes, the downward turn of his mouth.

Sena couldn't guess whether Hiruma was scared of Sena's behaviour, scared at the idea of what could be causing it, or scared of having to deal with it and try to fix it. But it wasn't helping. The look on Hiruma's face made Sena want to stab himself, rip apart his body. It hurt to look at Hiruma. The pain inside of him grew exponentially, and Sena couldn't take it anymore.

"Just leave! Please." The first part was almost a yell, and might have almost been a command, but Sena knew it meant nothing. He was begging. Hiruma couldn't be in the bathroom when Sena cut himself. He just couldn't. Yet Sena was very near to just searching out the exacto knife, and slashing himself up right in front of Hiruma, but he had to keep trying to get Hiruma to leave.

Sena was shaking now, both in horror at how desperate he was to hurt himself, and how close he was to just giving up and having Hiruma know his secret. Luckily, Hiruma backed slowly out of the room and shut the door. Sena jumped forward and locked the door. He had won this fight, if just barely. The rise and fall of his chest slowed down only very slightly.

"Hiruma's living with me." Just whispering it out loud made it real, out loud it brought a new batch of tears to Sena's eyes. For all he knew, Hiruma could be sitting right out the door, listening to all of this. Sena brushed that thought out of his mind. He had other things to do. Screw Hiruma. Sena _wanted _this.

He opened up the white drawer he had tossed the exacto knife and its box into. He nearly dropped it on the first attempt to get it, but clutched it tightly on the next try. A little too tightly, as his thumb slipped across the blade, and the sting surprised him. He watched tiny little drops of blood form, but he quickly wiped them off as he prepared for the real thing. Pulling down the pants to his knees as he sat against the door, he saw a larger patch of skin a few inches below his left hip, where the thigh was just starting.

Before he could even think about it, he started slicing even, parallel lines, all of the same length. He briefly noted that while these weren't nearly as deep as the one he had done in the shower, they were much deeper than the cuts when he had first started. And it was becoming much harder to reach the right amount of pain. As he severed nerves, the intense sting rushed up his leg and continued to pulse with each heartbeat.

Sena continued slicing away until he had a long column reaching mid-thigh of these lines. The blood dripped from each cut into the next, growing in volume until it started splitting off, too large to keep going in one direction. He permitted himself to stop. The exacto knife lay on its side as the slow trickle of blood bypassed it, and finally ran right over. It was a mess. The blood smeared all over his thigh was drying in some places, cracking, only adding to the horror of it all.

Sena only started cleaning it up when he felt his eyes shut. It wouldn't do to fall asleep in his bathroom, although the idea was pleasing in theory. He could lock the door, and not have Hiruma anywhere near him. He could just sleep here, wake up, hurt himself again, and then sleep some more. Sena snorted at the thought. The world wouldn't disappear for him. He knew that. It's why he was hurting himself, right? The world just wouldn't disappear, and Sena had to pay the price.

Repeating the process he was becoming far too skilled at, he cleaned the cuts up with some antibiotic balm, and used adhesive bandages and gauze to cover them in case they started bleeding again. It took a moment for Sena to realize he had stopped crying. The sharp pain in his throat was replaced by a dull ache everywhere else. If he hadn't been taught differently, he might've listened to all that talk of spiritual and mental energy. It was as if the cuts were holes that everything bad inside could leave. That would explain how he felt right now. Completely empty.

His hands were still shaking, though he wasn't sure if that was from the pain or the residual fear. It didn't matter now. He felt much better, knowing he had suffered for being pathetic. Ugly red lines criss-crossed all over his thighs, and who knew? Sena might just spread them elsewhere. He felt revulsion when he looked at them, but it felt right at the same time. Like all the worthless things about him were showing up on the outside now. There was physical evidence for how moronic and meaningless he was.

Sena pulled his pants back on, almost wishing the process were a little more complicated. He couldn't keep his thoughts off Hiruma. The boy was wasting his time on Sena, again. There really was no point. Monstrosities like Sena ended up on the streets, or in asylums, or in late night documentaries about how the world was going to hell. There really wasn't a point. Sena didn't understand why Hiruma was bothering to worry so much.

The vivid image of Hiruma backing out of the washroom flashed into Sena's mind. Hiruma had been so frightened compared to his regular, confident, swearing self. It was a waste of emotion and of Hiruma's dignity. He never should've bothered coming to Sena's home.

A splash of cold water to the face helped jolt Sena out of his thoughts, and he walked quietly through the dark hallway back to his room. The light was off there as well. Somehow, Hiruma had managed to fall asleep after Sena's outburst. Maybe Hiruma hadn't been that worried. Reassurance swept through Sena, adding to the haze left by the pain. He certainly wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon. He would try, though, or fake it at the very least in case Hiruma was a light sleeper.

Sena lay down his pile of blankets, and realized how much more comfortable this seemed after sleeping on the stairs. It almost seemed luxurious, if Sena didn't think about the bed. Sleeping on the floor made shifting around a bit more awkward, and the movements jostled his cuts more than it would on a bed. Sena was glad. It constantly reminded him to keep himself in check and reminded him of how awful he was.

With that concluding thought, Sena fell asleep much faster than he had predicted. On the other hand, a pair of green eyes examined the ceiling until the very late hours of the night.

* * *

Sena wondered if it was going to become a pattern, being awakened by Hiruma's foot. He hoped not. Hiruma wasn't exactly gentle, and his foot wasn't exactly made of cotton balls. Of course, Sena injured himself on a regular basis. What's the worst Hiruma's foot could do? Sena almost caught himself knocking on wood. He had asked that question before, thinking that whatever situation he was in was the worst, but in truth, it had somehow gotten worse with each incident. Sena wouldn't make the mistake again. He opened his eyes, cutting off his reverie, to a fully dressed Hiruma looking down at the sleeping chibi.

"Oi. Let's go get breakfast, or something." Sena smiled at Hiruma, surprising him. The long sleep and the pain coming from his new injuries left him feeling almost okay. Sena stood up, still in the clothes from yesterday, although they had quite a few new wrinkles this morning.

With a yawn, Sena made a half-hearted attempt to smooth them out, but figured Hiruma didn't care that much. However, as Sena ran his hands over his pants, secretly checking the bandaged cuts underneath, he realized that the gauze was rather stiff for both of them. Apparently, the cuts had bled in the night. Sena grimaced, and knew he'd have to clean them later on.

Sena started following Hiruma down the stairs, but made a quick change in his plans. He turned and went quickly back up the stairs and right before he entered the bathroom, he yelled to Hiruma, "Just look around for something to eat, I'll be down in a bit." Sena shut the door, and thought he heard a muffled, 'Fuck.' Sena frowned unhappily. He didn't like to be the cause of Hiruma's irritation, but he had to do this. Who knows the next time he'd be able to get away?

Using a bit of tape, Sena took the exacto knife from last night, and attached it under the sink. He had to open the cupboard and kneel under to reach the area, so he was pretty confident that no one would find it accidentally. He smiled, a little pleased with himself that he thought ahead. It was one good sign, at the very least. Finished with his task, he went downstairs to join Hiruma in the kitchen. He was surprised to see that the time was only nine in the morning.

"Why are we up so early?" Sena rubbed at his eyes, trying to get rid of the crusty, dried particles that made him a lot more aware that he had just gotten up. The question wasn't meant to be accusatory, Sena honestly just wanted to know why. Hiruma turned his head, his back still facing Sena as he looked through cupboards. He grinned, almost every pointy tooth bared.

"I have plans." He let out that slight, wheezing cackle and turned back to looting Sena's kitchen. Sena felt an edge of panic come on, but continued to act as if this were perfectly normal; Hiruma living in his house, with secret plans… Sena decided to change his train of thought, and instead turned to helping Hiruma find something suitable for breakfast. Sena opened up a cabinet on the other side of the room, under the counter, and pulled out a few boxes of cereal.

"Hiruma, the breakfast stuff is over here." Sena pulled bowls out of the cupboard on top, and went about fixing a small bowl of cereal, though it was different from the stuff he had tried eating yesterday. A simple sugary flake cereal, not as healthy, but hopefully more appealing. Hiruma walked over and gave the cereal a disdainful stare.

"No wonder you can't eat. This stuff is shit. I'm not eating it." Hiruma waited for Sena to come up with a solution to the problem. Sena's shoulders dropped at the idea. There wasn't anything else in the house that was suitable for breakfast. Or, at least for Hiruma. Perhaps he was pickier than Sena had assumed. Sena searched around with no results, and that seemed to hit a nerve with Hiruma.

"That's it. We're going out somewhere with real food. Go get ready, or whatever you do." Hiruma harrumphed and walked out of the kitchen, leaving Sena with the duty of cleaning up. Sena just rubbed at his face, and left the cereal boxes there. They could wait. Instead, Sena ran upstairs quickly to put a sweater and some socks on, and ran back downstairs, ready in a matter of minutes. He wasn't sure what Hiruma was doing, but Sena had to agree on the matter of the cereal.

"We're going to get American Burgers!" Hiruma grinned a vicious, arrogant grin. Sena was sure there was something amusing in the whole idea, but he didn't catch on to it, and could only manage a half-hearted smile. Hiruma's grin faltered momentarily, but it was soon plastered back on as he yanked Sena out the door with him.

As they walked the same route Sena had taken the night before to the downtown section of the city, Sena's thoughts turned towards events from the night before. Hiruma hadn't made any sign that he was going to broach the subject, but Sena knew he wasn't going to keep quiet forever. Hiruma wasn't just staying at his house for the heck of it. He had a goal, and a plan, and the thought made the muscles in Sena's chest go rigid.

That same, awful fear started growing, as it had last night, and Sena wondered if he was going to fall apart in the restaurant. He brought his hand up to his left hip, as if resting it there, and slowly dragged his nails across the area. The resulting irritation was enough to cause a slight, involuntary watering of the eyes, but it helped. No matter what idiotic thing Sena did, he could make himself suffer for it.

Sena's day was starting to take a rather nasty turn, even if was all self inflicted, both literally and figuratively. Sena knew Hiruma didn't have very many inhibitions about achieving his goals, and it left Sena paranoid. No one ever doubted what the young man could do, and Sena wouldn't make the mistake of doubting now. There was the possibility that Hiruma even planned on Sena not having anything good to eat for breakfast, or if he did, making him leave the house anyway.

Sena wasn't sure, and just being around Hiruma made him tense and distressed. As he rubbed his arms to warm up from the cool morning air, he wondered how long he could go, being around Hiruma all day and night, before something terrible happened. Sena's thoughts might have continued down this gloomy track, if not for what occurred next.

Without a word, Hiruma gently wrapped his left arm around Sena's shoulder, unmoving, but warm. Both Sena and Hiruma made no move to acknowledge it, but Sena's mind shut down anyway, just active enough to keep him walking in the right direction. The heavy warmth made the tension disappear from his shoulders, and Sena couldn't help but selfishly take comfort from it. But what goes up must come down, and Sena wondered what would ruin this for him.

Sena guessed that something bad was going to happen. He just didn't realize what kind of bad.

**Aww. I almost feel kind of bad for Hiruma, what with an emotional Sena and not having a clue…or does he? And now, to the reviewers!**

Crazyb1tch85: Eee! I'm glad you understand the greasy food + sicklyness = vomit equation. I was afraid the response would be "Pffft, drama queen. I can make myself throw up on the spot, so I'm sure Sena can too." Though I'm beginning to realize how awesomely nice my reviewers are. Thank you for continuing to read!

emi kangu: I'm smiling out loud. Thank you for the review, it's a big compliment because Hiruma's giving me a lot of trouble. He's such a fussy character.

TheInflictedFinger: Reading it in a church? Well, we can go to hell together if that's the case. I know exactly what you mean with the 'excited and shaking' feeling. Did this ChaosDreamer leave fanfiction? I can't find her on the site, and I adore NNCS, so I want to find ChaosDreamer!

kakashisninjadogs: Ooh, I can't wait either. I'll do my best with that scene, because Hiruma is going to find out, it's just a matter of when and how and why and…well, I've got some work to do. Thank you for the review!

SailorSaturntheSilencer: I'm still finding out too, but I'm guessing he has a nice side in there somewhere. I just have to figure out how he'd show it. Och aye, so confusing! But I'm having fun, so hopefully you will too.

Vix': Ahh, you certainly know how to tease a writer. I hope you'll feel compelled to review again after this chapter. Thank you!

.laugh: Take a look at my favourites list; I adore angst, though now that I've read a lot, I'm becoming pickier. I hope my story is living up to my own standards. (I can't tell anymore)

So, if you're enjoying the story, I'd be really happy to receive a review. It motivates me to write better and just generally improves my days. Thank you guys who have reviewed!


	7. Chapter 7

**And here, after such a long wait, comes a new chapter! Some more development between the two, and Hiruma forces a revelation on Sena. Enjoy!**

Sena couldn't believe what had just happened. Of course, no one walking by thought anything of it. It was two high school students, skipping classes, walking around. But Sena knew the worth of the situation. It was as if he had been living in a world where you could only go forwards and backwards, and someone had tried to go up. And succeeded. He was stunned, but unlike the last few times Hiruma had shocked him, he didn't know whether it was good or bad.

The arm slung around his shoulder was heavy against his neck. It almost seemed that Sena's body was aware of the situation, and made his nervous system work overtime. At the next thought, a slight tinge of pink dusted Sena's cheeks. The warmth coming from the firm arm wasn't unpleasant in the slightest. It had banished the cold that Sena had just tried to rub out.

Sena caught himself enjoying the semi-embrace. He didn't deserve the comfort. Just in time, he slid from underneath the arm, letting it drop back to Hiruma's side. A few seconds more, and he might have stayed there as long as possible. He looked at Hiruma quickly, and saw his gaze aimed straight forwards. It was cold, and slightly angry. Sena looked away. Hiruma was bothering again, bothering to-what, be friendly to Sena? So he could dig out the secret he knew was there?

And what then, Sena thought, he would be so disgusted that he wouldn't be able to keep Sena on the football team, let alone look at him. It didn't make the sudden cold on his back any less disheartening. But Sena knew it was for good reason. Sena would admit to nearly anything, but he wouldn't admit his habit to Hiruma.

"Oi, we're here." Sena had already moved a few steps ahead of Hiruma, completely going past the fast food restaurant. He groaned when he realized what had made Hiruma so happy. Sakuraba's face was in every promotional ad, with the silly hat and the even sillier grin. Sena supposed that eating here would be like stomping all over Sakuraba's dignity. Hiruma's face lit up with an innocent grin that belied Hiruma's sinister intent.

"Oh, look at that! The ace of the Oujou White Knights. Poor guy! The outfit looks like shit." Hiruma happily walked into the restaurant, young girls not much older than Sena greeting them pleasantly inside. At first, Sena looked at the menu furtively, testing to see if his appetite was working. And while he didn't feel any hunger where he knew he should, his stomach wasn't twisting uncomfortably. Sena took it as a good sign.

However, the bad sign was the emptiness he felt when he shoved his hands into his pockets. He had no money, and walking back to his house would be a waste of time. Hiruma despised, among many other things, wastes of time. Like Sena.

"Hiruma, umm, I'm really sorry. I forgot my money," Sena dropped his head. Another silly, stupid thing to add to a very long list of mistakes. Hiruma snorted. It looked like he had figured it out long before.

"Fucking pipsqueak. You'll just have to be in debt to me," Hiruma's eyes narrowed into slits as he bared almost all of his thirty-two pointed teeth in a corrupt, depraved, and frightening grin. Sena wished he could separate that moment from every other moment of the last two days, because everything seemed back to normal. Hiruma wasn't living at his house, worrying about his health, or paying for his meal. He was just being vaguely threatening, which was perfectly normal for being in Hiruma's presence. Sena smiled nervously back at Hiruma.

"Since it's your money, could you order whatever you want for me? I'll go find a place to sit." Sena reminded himself that this general kindness was Hiruma's tactic, and it was working too well. If Hiruma had turned to him after that moment, and asked Sena, "What did you do in the bathroom?" Sena would've answered.

The glass doors they came through caught his eye. If Sena really had any guts, he would just leave now, and apologize later. Just like Hiruma had said before: if Sena ran, Hiruma couldn't catch him. Though Hiruma might try, and once he finally got to Sena's house, he might break the door down, but Sena would then have even more reason to avoid Hiruma, and he wouldn't be able to argue it.

Sena mentally chastised himself for letting his thoughts get ahead of him. He had to focus on the current goal, which was-

"Yo. This place is filled with old people. I thought you said you were finding a spot." Hiruma's low growl pulled Sena out of his daze, and Sena realized that it was true, there were a lot of elderly people sipping at cups of coffee and tea. Sena bowed his head slightly in apology, and quickly led them both to a booth on the far side of the little restaurant. It was pretty isolated considering how many tables were already taken up.

Sena sat down opposite of Hiruma and proceeded to stare out the window. Hiruma had come back empty handed, but with a little slip of paper, so Sena inferred that one of the pleasant young women was going to bring it out.

They sat like that for five minutes, the silence wavering between comfortable and awkward. As Sena expected, a young woman came out with a tray filled with food. After the last couple of days, everything in front of him seemed massive, and Sena wondered how he was going to get it all down. Hiruma ignored the girl's polite nod and picked up a burger, immediately starting to eat. He still wasn't looking at Sena, so it seemed fitting for Sena to pick up an identical hamburger and start working on it.

This time around, Sena didn't try to wolf it down, though he was pretty sure his laughing statement the night before convinced Hiruma that he wasn't bulimic. As the burger disappeared, Sena happily noted that he didn't feel sick, and continued eating until his fries were done and all that remained of his drink was ice. Hiruma had finished a few minutes before him, but still ignored Sena.

In turn, Sena felt a slight twinge of his abdominal muscles in anxiety, but no more than that. He had wanted Hiruma to stop wasting his time with him, but this - this was more like the silence before the storm. And so, Sena had never predicted better before, as a sentence flew out of Hiruma's mouth.

"What happened last night?" His hand propped up his head as Hiruma continued to lazily look out the window. Sena went rigid in his seat. The last couple of times that Hiruma delved deeper, everything in his body seemed poised for action; muscles were tensed with a defensive stance. This time, he was just sitting there as if he were talking about a weak football team or the weather.

Almost like he didn't really care about the subject. But Hiruma didn't move, or change the topic. He continued to sit, passing cars reflecting in his eyes. Sena didn't know what to think, or what to say that would defuse the situation. So, he went with his back-up plan. He would say what he wished Hiruma would listen to.

"Hiruma, it doesn't matter." Sena flinched at the resounding response that came. There. It was like a documentary Sena once saw, where the crocodile floated in the water, completely still, until something provoked it to explode out of the water, and attack. Sena was beginning lose morale.

"What kind of stupid are you? Of course it matters. And I want to know. Tell me, what the hell happened last night!" Hiruma's voice had the power to make Sena's ears sting. It wasn't loud, but it was harsh, and exposed just how frustrated Hiruma was becoming. Sena closed his eyes tightly, repeatedly reminding himself that he couldn't lose this one, he couldn't let Hiruma win. All the other fights had been sacrificed to make sure Sena could win this one. The internal mantra was broken by that same, coarse voice.

"What are you thinking right now? All you have to do is tell me! It's not that hard." Hiruma's eyes were wide and dumbfounded. Sena realized that Hiruma couldn't understand why Sena wouldn't just say it out loud. And maybe Sena didn't understand too well either.

"Because I can't lose this one! I let you know about all the other stuff, and I can't lose this one." Sena clamped a hand over his mouth, but it was too late. It was confirmed now, for Hiruma, that he was still hiding something. Now it was just a matter of time until Hiruma wore down Sena. Instead of the angry or gleeful reaction Sena expected, however, Hiruma's stance lost all of its power as he rested his back against the padded booth.

"Is that how you've been thinking of this all along? As if this were a battle or something, and you were losing?" Hiruma sighed and let his eyes rest shut. Sena heard something in Hiruma's voice. It was strange, and it made Sena's body hurt. What was it? "No wonder you haven't been saying anything. I thought you were being fucking shy or something. Fucking christ, you're so goddamn stubborn." Hiruma opened his eyes and stared directly into Sena's, the most serious expression Sena had ever seen resting on his face.

"Listen up, pipsqueak. I'm not trying to defeat you. I want to fix whatever the hell is screwing you up, but I have to know. If you tell me, it won't be me winning. It'll be me fucking helping you." With that, Hiruma returned to his resting position, giving time for Sena to fully absorb what he was saying.

And Sena certainly needed the time. Now, not only had someone taken his two dimensional universe and try to show him 'up', but that same someone was trying to explain what time was. It was uncanny, the simplicity of what Hiruma said. The white noise of the fast food joint blurred until Sena couldn't hear it anymore.

What Hiruma said not only reversed all of Sena's previous thoughts, but also completely obliterated them. Hiruma wasn't trying to conquer Sena. He was trying to help. He didn't want to know for his own personal curiosity or to fill up his Devil Book. He wanted to help Sena fix the problem.

Sena mimicked Hiruma's previous action, and closed his eyes, resting against the strangely comfortable booth. He ignored the slight stares they were getting from the elderly people nearby. Hiruma's voice must have carried. The whispers were curious and slightly belligerent. And on top of everything else, his head was hurting, a lot.

Sena crossed his arms, attempting to appear so insignificant that the other patrons of the restaurant would get bored and look away. He didn't want to humiliate Hiruma just because he was trying to help Sena. It was that thought that reminded Sena of the other reason why he didn't want to tell Hiruma.

Sena knew the injuries he inflicted on himself were disgusting as is, but then you added the whole idea of actually, intentionally hurting yourself, and it became hugely disgraceful in every way. Sena knew it was even worse though, because he had no problems.

The bullies were leaving him alone. He was part of a club, a group of people who didn't just want to use him as an errand boy. He had dedicated parents who worked hard for his sake. Would Hiruma be able to handle such an embarrassment being connected to him?

Sena bit his lip hard, using the slight pain to help him focus. He needed to figure out what exactly he wanted. Except it was an uphill battle to try to think through this. Ideas about doing well in school and helping the team win the Christmas bowl were all coming up, but they were being smothered by something else. Something that made Sena want to hurt himself, over and over, until finally, maybe he was a better person. That tiny, almost non-existent rational voice was finally gone. There weren't any more thoughts of getting better, or the good things about his presence. They were gone.

Sena opened his eyes, not wanting Hiruma to think he was asleep. However, when he opened his eyes, he saw Hiruma's flick away. The moment had been for a fraction of a second, but Sena wondered if Hiruma had been watching him bite his lip. Normally, it wouldn't matter, but Sena had been biting it rather hard. With his raised level of suspicion, it made him wonder if Hiruma was figuring it out on his own.

Hiruma may have been crude, and somewhat violent, but he was certainly not stupid. On the contrary, Sena knew he was one of the most crafty, quick, and intelligent teenagers out there. Not only that, but he knew Sena well, and in this case, maybe even too well.

Perhaps Hiruma was smart enough to hide what he knew. The thought sent a shiver up Sena's back. He needed a moment away from the powerful and intimidating young captain. Sena stood up, taking the tray with him. He emptied it out quickly, and in a split second decision, he went to the bathroom instead of returning to the table. If only for a few minutes, he needed to be alone. Even if it was in a grimy, slightly stale smelling stall.

Sena sat down and rubbed at his temples. The headache was becoming worse. Hiruma said he was trying to help him, but he didn't know what Sena did. It made Sena sick with shame when he thought about how desperate he was when he wanted it.

He had stopped working against the need, but it didn't make it any less repulsive. And if he felt this way, how could Hiruma tolerate it, let alone help him fix it? It was hopeless. Sena had tried to ignore the periods of intense need as they started coming more often, he had tried so hard, but each time they came, it seemed so necessary.

"How did I get in this deep?" Sena rested his head on the wall of the stall, savouring the smoothness of the cool steel. Tears didn't come. He almost wished they did, because the cold feeling deep in his chest might just have been worse. It was something completely different than he was used to. There wasn't anything. No fear, no anxiety. He could still feel the contempt he held for himself. But it didn't make him panic and cry, like the other emotions did. It made him ache.

Sena exited the stall, and saw his face in the mirror. It was blank and sickly pale, but the dark circles beneath his eyes had diminished somewhat, and the eyes themselves weren't bloodshot. That meant he was getting better, right? After a few seconds, he managed to make his brow smooth out. The distressed expression wasn't helping his cause at all.

With that, Sena walked back out to the table, and saw Hiruma with his arms behind his head, looking very pissed off at the chair in front of him. Sena gave an empty smile, and sat back down.

"How about we go back to my house?" The running back's voice was quiet, but Hiruma nodded despite this, and stood up, leading the way. As they got onto the sidewalk, Sena kept space between them. He felt bad for Hiruma, having to take care of such a pathetic child. Sena vowed to pay Hiruma back as soon as possible. The sooner he did, the sooner Hiruma could get away with no strings attached.

Sena watched the sidewalk, knowing that there was no opportunity for Hiruma to make eye contact then. They could just get home as soon as possible. It was simple task, but bad fortune could screw up even the simplest of things. And of course, Sena was fully aware of his bad luck. The irritating thing about bad luck was that it struck in the least expected places, despite how aware you could be.

Sena, with his eyes focused on the ground, failed to see the young man before he ran into him. Having not anticipated the collision, Sena hit the stranger with full force, knocking both of them to the ground. The guy obviously wasn't pleased.

"What the fuck is your problem? Like, why the hell did you walk into me?" The guy had bleached, brassy hair that didn't suit his dark skin. It made his sharp eyes stand out all the more. Sena stood up and brushed himself off quickly before bowing.

"I'm so sorry. Please excuse my stupidity." Sena truly meant the apology, but he must not have sounded sincere. It was the only thing that would explain the next action of the young guy, although perhaps this was his general disposition. He kneed Sena in the stomach, the blow coming out of nowhere, and before he fully retracted his leg, he kicked out again, catching Sena's legs. Sena fell to his knees, but his legs couldn't take the shock, and he fell even quicker onto all fours, coughing and on the verge of heaving.

While the guy's attack happened in the blink of an eye, Hiruma was fast, fast enough to punch the guy in the jaw before he could go after Sena again. A resounding crack echoed through the air as the guy fell to ground, a tiny dribble of blood edging out of his mouth. Someone in a store nearby ran outside to check on the guy, but Hiruma ignored it. It was self-defense, of course.

Instead, Hiruma shook out his fist before walking over to Sena, but the damage was done. Not only did Sena feel sick as his breakfast fought its way out, but the vicious kick to his legs had broken open the big cut, and a few of the others on his hips. They were bleeding, and it wasn't just a trickle. Sena swallowed what was in his throat, and stood up quicker than he should have.

His abdominal muscles cramped painfully at the movement, and he winced, but he managed to stay standing. Hiruma was hovering nearby, perhaps ready to help Sena if he fell again, but Sena didn't want to be in Hiruma's debt anymore than he already was.

"Come on, let's get you back." Hiruma dusted off Sena's shoulders and they continued walking, although Sena couldn't help his strange, slouched position. Hiruma glanced at Sena every now and then, but Sena refused to reciprocate the glances. He had a slight worry that if he caught Hiruma's attention, somehow Hiruma would do that mind-reading trick, and figure out that Sena was bleeding quite profusely out of his legs.

Sena wasn't sure how long it would take for the gauze to soak through, but he hadn't placed it there with the intention that it would soak up the rather copious amount of blood that was currently coming out of the cut. As well, he was still trying to sort out what Hiruma said in the fast food restaurant, and looking at Hiruma distracted him from that. Hiruma was a very intense person, and there was rarely a middle ground with him, even if Hiruma didn't do it intentionally. Looking at Hiruma meant staring, taking in everything. It was hard to resist once you were caught in it.

After a slightly longer walk, due to Sena's reduced speed, they arrived back at his house. Sena unlocked the door, and was about to go to the bathroom to check out his stomach, and more secretly, his bleeding, but Hiruma beat him to the chase. He motioned for Sena to come with him into the living room, and sat down in the same loveseat that Sena had been sitting in the night before.

Sena stood of to the side, somewhat worried about a slightly dark splotch he had noticed on his pant leg, but Hiruma sighed even more impatiently and beckoned Sena over.

"Let me check it out." Sena felt his heart skip a beat with trepidation, but realized that Hiruma was talking about the pain in his stomach from the young punk, not the bleeding underneath his pants. Sena stood in front of Hiruma rather awkwardly, not sure what Hiruma wanted to do.

Hiruma rolled his eyes, and lifted both Sena's sweater and t-shirt underneath at the same time. While Sena still felt that cold ache in his chest, he blushed in embarrassment at the sudden movement nonetheless. Hiruma gave a mocking laugh at Sena's shyness, but didn't let the shirt drop back down.

Instead, he brought his free hand up, and rested it against Sena's stomach. Sena blushed a deeper red at the close contact, until he felt the next movement. Hiruma pushed his fingertips down, being firm, but not harsh. It hurt a little bit, but nothing Sena hadn't dealt with. Plus, Hiruma's hands were warm and calloused against the smooth skin of Sena's belly. It wasn't entirely uncomfortable. Hiruma moved his fingers a few inches over, and pushed firmly again, and Sena still thought it didn't hurt that much.

He was about to point out that the guy hadn't kneed him quite that high when Hiruma pushed a little lower, and Sena had to gasp a little bit at that. It stung more than Sena expected it to. Hiruma looked up, judging Sena's reaction, and pushed a few more times in that area, resulting in the same stinging, though Sena didn't show it as much.

Hiruma finally let Sena's shirt drop down, and sat back. He grinned up at Sena, who was distractedly rubbing at his stomach.

"You'll be fine. You'll be bruised for a while, but he didn't cause any damage inside." Sena frowned, but didn't bother asking how Hiruma knew how to check for that kind of thing. No one bothered to ask how Hiruma knew the things he did. Sena was grateful however, and had enough grace to show it. If the fake blonde on the street had really hurt him, Hiruma's check up would have given Sena warning. That way he wouldn't end up in a hospital, caught by surprise. Hiruma didn't have a clue how grateful Sena really was.

"Thanks Hiruma, for checking and stuff." Sena flattened out the wrinkles from his sweater, and walked around the chair Hiruma was sitting in to get to the stairs. Once he was sure he was out of Hiruma's view, he ran frantically to his room. He saw the dark splotches on his pants clearly now. He tossed off the pants, and choked a little bit.

There was blood running down both legs, and the smearing from his pants made it look horrific. The streaks farther down on his legs, near his ankles, were dried and shiny, a dark shade of red-brown. The sight left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Sena grabbed a handful of Kleenex and wiped off his calves to prevent anything from dripping onto the floor. He then grabbed a pair of sweatpants and ran into the bathroom, locking the door. The bed in his room was practically calling to him, but Sena knew he had to take care of the open cuts first. After a few minutes of cleaning and applying new gauze, Sena tugged on his pants and stepped outside the bathroom, nearly plowing into Hiruma, a shocked, pale Hiruma.

A Hiruma with a bundle of bloody tissues in his hand.

**Ahh, I'm so sorry, it's been so long! I know you hear it a lot, but I –really- have been busy to the point of tears for the last few weeks, but a recent few reviews really kicked me in to getting this up, so here it is. If you see any grammatical or spelling errors, give me a holla. And I know it seems rather slow-paced, but I don't want to rush through this, because to anyone who has hurt themselves intentionally, it certainly doesn't go by quickly. Anyway, to the reviews! (I adore you guys.)**

kakashisninjadogs : I've left you with another cliffhanger. I apologize. (Actually, I'm cackling, but not out loud, I promise.)

TheInflictedFinger : NNCS is one of those "Must read; inspirational!" authors to me. I adore the stories. And I do enjoy Weiss Kreuz, and I shall go search ChaosDreamer up! Where's your chapters, eh? I look at you as the same level as NNCS (that is, googley-eyed adoration) so you must update at least once…a month? I think that's how quickly I'm going. Oh dear.

.laugh : Snuggling indeed! Not that Sena's enjoying it, but we'll see. Honestly, I'm cheering Hiruma on. I hope he doesn't give up. :D

Werefox Alchemist : Thank you for your long comment, especially since you don't typically read Eyeshield 21 stories. You're flattering me way too much – I'll get a bloated ego and start writing cheesy Mary-Sues (kidding, I swear.) I figured it would seem a bit slow paced, but I just don't think I could write it any other way. My biggest peeve with a lot of amateur angst fictions is that they rush it and finish the story in five or six chapters – it's just not realistic. But I'll try improving my writing so that it'll be more entertaining to read.

fan girl 666 : And so I have posted a chapter! I'm looking forward to the next one. Intensity, I say!

Jess: Thank you for telling me that! I was so sure I had bolded the font. Darn. I know, it can really ruin the feeling of the chapter to go from super-serious prose to "teehee! I love Hiruma!". It just doesn't work. As well, if you have free time, could you point out the grammatical errors? I've read through that chapter so many times, but all the words are starting to blend together. I'd be really grateful.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: If I had realized how quickly cliffhangers got reviews, I would've written more! XD I kid, I kid. But it's true that with all those encouraging reviews, I really wanted to update faster. So, here it is. Chapter 8, yo!**

Time was slowing down, Sena was sure. The expression of horror wasn't leaving Hiruma's face, and Sena felt every slight movement in his body. The only thing that appeared to be at a normal speed was the slight shaking of the hand that was squeezing the tissues. He could see the little parallel red lines on the tissues that mirrored the gashes on his leg. It was scaring Sena, because his blood was getting all over Hiruma's fingers, staining him.

Sena tried to convince himself this wasn't happening. That was it! Sena's anxieties had finally caused him to hallucinate, because it was the only way he could spare his conscious from the idea that he had been so stupid. Had he really left the tissues in the bedroom? No, there was no way he had. That was worse than stupid. It was insane. More insane than anything Sena had ever done.

His hands balled into fists as he realized that no, he wasn't hallucinating. Hiruma was standing there, mouth a sharp line across already sharp features. His pupils were small, barely specks in his eyes. Was that rage? Hatred? Disgust? All of the above?

There was a noise in the background. It was quiet, Sena knew that, but maybe when time went this sluggishly, things got louder. What was that? Sena's fists clenched even tighter as he became aware that the sound was a choked moan that came from his throat, ruthless and unattractive. His hands were going numb, the blood being pushed out by the intense pressure. Hiruma was still standing there, looking at him. Looking through him. Sena tensed to move, but he didn't know where. So he stepped back, exactly like a pathetic animal backing into the corner.

This movement seemed to alert Hiruma back to real time. He lunged out of nowhere, using the agility he got from the years of training. Sena, despite his record-setting speed, didn't see it coming. He supposed that happened when you were tired and scared.

Hiruma grabbed his shoulder, completely forgetting about the tissues in his hand. Sena winced as he felt the cold, wet sheets squeezed against his shoulder. Hiruma's nails were digging in. He didn't want Sena moving. His next sentence came out, his voice severe and to the point of breaking into a yell.

"Is this what it is? This is what you've been hiding from me? You were hiding something…something like this from me? This is…this is fucking awful!" Hiruma's eyes were wide, and he was so distressed that Sena almost felt the compulsion to comfort him, but he couldn't do that. That would be like a murderer telling the jury he was sorry. It was too late.

He looked at the cabinet to the side of him, not wanting to see the emotions going through Hiruma's eyes. If he saw them, then he'd have to address that his worst fears were finally true.

Hiruma wasn't happy with this. Sena wasn't answering the questions, couldn't even admit it to Hiruma when the evidence was forced in front of his eyes, so Hiruma went to find the answer for himself. He grabbed Sena's arms, rolling up the sleeves.

Sena wore t-shirts all the time, so he didn't understand why Hiruma was looking there. Then again, Hiruma was probably reacting on instinct. Sena was doing that, and the results weren't exactly genius by comparison.

Sena yanked his arms from Hiruma, the force throwing him back against the wall. The slight discomfort that came from the force of the fall was enough to focus Sena on responding. It was hard. Hiruma's words were still ringing in his mind, but he didn't deny it. He was pretty awful. Maybe Hiruma was just understanding now.

"Hiruma…it's…look, can you wait a sec. Please. Please Hiruma, just wait a little bit. Please…" The sound of Sena's voice must've done something right, because the feral nature to Hiruma's movements seemed to recede. A little bit of the arrogance seeped back into his posture. Sena rubbed his arms where Hiruma had grabbed him. It hadn't hurt, but it gave Sena something to concentrate on other than the fact that he was against a wall, a fierce and angry Hiruma blocking his escape route.

"This is the silly little thing? And you didn't think I should worry?" Hiruma was still pissed, despite the control that had made its way back to his actions. "Talk. Now!" Hiruma was positively roaring by now.

Sena desperately tried to think of a way out, anything, but there was no hiding this. Not anymore. Sena's world was getting warped, hard to understand as his heart started reacting to the sheer collapse of everything. What happened next? Sena never thought that far. This was like imagining what was outside of the universe. He couldn't understand.

"Explain." Hiruma wasn't letting up. And thus Sena, as usual, went with the simplest thing first.

"They're…they're on my legs. I didn't want them to be easily seen, you know…" But Hiruma didn't know. Of course he didn't know. Hiruma, despite his guns and his violence, was normal compared to Sena. Sena was an abomination to everything that was important about life. He was a waste. Sena

"Let me see." Hiruma left no other options for Sena. Sena couldn't not do it now. Hiruma was being merciful, Sena was sure, not forcing his pants down himself. And so Sena stood up off the wall, and felt his hands shaking violently. He could barely grasp the edge of his sweatpants. The silence wasn't calming. It frightened him even more.

In one smooth movement, he let the baggy pants drop to the ground, and shut his eyes, breathing coming far too fast. It almost hurt. Even with the loud rasps coming from his throat, he heard Hiruma's own sharp intake of air. Sena's captain walked over, feet making subtle noises against the tile floor. He must have knelt down, because the gauze was being carefully peeled off.

Sena started digging his nails into his arms. This was too humiliating. And it was all his fault. He was completely to blame. Hiruma was going to hurt him, or curse him, or something much worse. But when the acid didn't come pouring out of Hiruma's mouth, Sena cracked his eyes open.

Hiruma was looking intently at the disgusting tears in Sena's skin. It was unbelievable. Sena himself had to look away. When the bleeding had stopped, you could really see how disgusting it was. The cuts were pale and fleshy, swollen and oozing ichor. The older ones had discoloured, misshapen scabs. Some of the newer scars were pink and raised, making unnatural ripples along his pale skin. Skin wasn't meant to be stretched and torn that way.

Sena wanted to pull away, but there was nowhere to go. Hiruma stood up, and looked at Sena face to face. Sena waited for the words, the fists, anything. But it didn't come.

Instead, Hiruma cupped his hands against Sena's face. His eyes were still, unblinking, holding Sena's gaze. He wanted to make sure Sena couldn't look at anything else but him. And Sena certainly wasn't going to. Hiruma's hands were so gentle. Why wasn't he hurting Sena? Why wasn't he stomping out of the house, abandoning the pathetic pipsqueak forever? Hiruma's mouth cracked open, only very slightly, and for a moment, nothing was said. Hiruma was thinking this through.

"Sena…don't ever hide anything like this from me again. Ever." Hiruma continued to look straight at Sena. Goosebumps rose on Sena's skin at his name. It was so rare to hear Hiruma call anyone by their first name. This was important. Sena swallowed the strain in his throat, fully considering what Hiruma said. The words had been uttered in command, but Sena knew Hiruma was waiting for him to agree. And Sena knew he couldn't lie this time. It would kill him, and maybe Hiruma, if he lied right now.

"I…won't hide it from you again." At the soft, carefully chosen words, Hiruma let go of Sena's face. The bloody tissues had been dropped to the floor, already becoming stiff. Sena tossed them into the toilet, but wasn't sure what to do next. Hiruma was looking at things around the bathroom, a distracted look in his eyes.

He finally made a decision, and grabbed a cloth hanging on a rack. After rinsing it in cold water, and walked back over to Sena with his usual gait, full of authority, although lacking a bit of the confidence it had before.

Without a word, he gently rubbed at Sena's shoulder, and Sena was puzzled for a moment, before he realized that Hiruma was cleaning off the blood the tissues had left. He still wasn't looking directly at Sena, as he had before, but he wasn't losing control. The fear of severe reprimand was slowly ebbing away, and Sena finally became fully aware of how naked he felt, standing there with his pants around his feet. It was as if he was five again, and being punished for getting mud all over his clothes.

Oh God. His face. Sena got a quick glance at the mirror, and there was blood on it, where Hiruma had held him. For that short moment, Sena thought he may have felt what Hiruma did in that moment. There were few words for it, though Hiruma's choice of 'awful' did pretty well. Sena turned away. Always turning away, running away, but what else could he do?

"Hiruma…ah, may I put my pants back on?" Sena tried to ask in the nicest way possible. He didn't want to provoke Hiruma into a tantrum, or worse. Hiruma looked back at Sena, and grinned. It made Sena flushed, and also surprised him. Only Hiruma could jump back that quickly. It was something Sena envied.

"Sure, if you're alright with putting those nasty things on. We're going out again." Hiruma grinned again, only this one was a little less mischievous. Almost on the verge of being friendly. Sena felt a tiny bit of happiness spring up inside him, small and weak, but it was there. Sena was so astounded with it that he almost forgot the second part of what Hiruma said. They were going out again. It struck a blow against that little bit of cheer, but it hadn't died yet.

"I'm really tired and this is all really, umm, exhausting too. I don't know if I'll be very good company." Sena dropped his eyes out of embarrassment. Hiruma had somewhere to go, and Sena was ruining that too. But he just didn't know if he could make it through another burger joint like this morning.

"Obviously. You've been fucking tired for the last week. We're taking a taxi." Hiruma snorted in disdain. In return, Sena slumped at the sound. He didn't realized how obvious he had been. It was digging at his thoughts, in truth. If Hiruma thought all of Sena's recent behaviours were simple and in plain sight, then everyone else must have some clue. And now he was exacerbating it by missing two days of school. Smooth, Sena, smooth.

"You don't have to Hiruma. I still need to pay you back for this morning, you could always just go by yourself." Sena's voice lost volume as he made the suggestion. Anything he said could be shot down and destroyed. He was the pathetic kid who cut himself up, why would his opinion matter? It made sense.

"It's not me that needs to go, it's you. Besides, I'm sure there's a cabby out there who would _love_ to lend us his services." Hiruma's mood seemed to rise at the prospect of blackmail. Sena was just pleased it wasn't being aimed at him. He was, however unhappy at the ominous tone to the vague sentence. It didn't seem to be looking too good for him. Sena wasn't going to dispute it though. What could he say? That it wasn't good for him? Sena had no say anymore on what was good for him.

With a sharp breath, he pulled his sweatpants back on, and even the soft fabric made his cuts burn. He missed the cautious glance Hiruma sent him as he walked out of the bathroom to grab a big, zip-up sweater. The air inside his house seemed chilly, and with the fatigue and stress of the day, Sena didn't want to be cold as well. He sat on a chair by the door, waiting as Hiruma made a few phone calls. Even the pain coming from his fresh cuts as he rested his hands on them didn't help. It didn't surprise him that much.

From where Sena sat, he could only hear the muffled command of Hiruma's voice. After a few minutes, Hiruma escorted him outside. The taxi came a few minutes later, with a seedy, grumpy looking driver. The car smelled off, but Sena didn't want to walk, and he could rest for a while in the car. Hiruma sat in the back with him, propping his legs up on the front passenger seat.

The cab driver swore, but gave a furtive glance at Hiruma. Sena recognized the look of someone who had dirt they didn't want known. Hiruma bared his teeth widely, and gave an address Sena didn't recognize.

They for twenty minutes or so, passing through the stylish downtown, into a more residential neighbourhood Sena had never known about before. The apartments were clean looking, and there were a few small parks packed with young children. It was relaxing Sena. The cab driver pulled into the parking lot of a series of stores and businesses, all built off the same blueprint.

Hiruma stepped out of the car, not bothering to address the driver. Sena heard a pissed off grunt, and got out before the cabby decided he wanted a hostage. With a squeal, the car drove away, and Sena was left alone with Hiruma. He wrapped his arms around himself as he followed Hiruma wherever he was going. The blonde-haired devil led him into one of the bland buildings, and it took a moment before he realized he was in a doctor's office. Mid-step, he froze, as a pretty, calm secretary addressed them.

"Hiruma, what are we doing here? I don't want anyone else to know, please don't do this," Sena whispered, alarmed. This is why Hiruma hadn't told him. He knew Sena wouldn't have wanted this.

"Don't panic. Some of those cuts need damn stitches, and this guy will keep quiet." Hiruma whispered in a scolding way. Sena quieted down, but the relaxation he had felt earlier was obliterated. Sena was far too tired for this. Just not tired enough to keep the panic from taking over him. Scary enough as well, thoughts of exacto knives and blades started popping up into his mind. There was a faint tingling in his muscles as he imagined the pain. It only added to his distress.

The secretary waited politely for them to finish their muttering, and asked them to sit for a while in the waiting room, the doctor would be with them soon.

Sena sat down, and immediately started fidgeting. For the first time in a while, he was nauseous without any external cause. The butterflies had transformed into African moths. He started stretching and tugging at the end of his shirt, sweat forming on his brow. Two people were going to find out about his habit in one day. After months and months of caution and victories, where had he gone wrong?

"The doctor will see you now." The young woman smiled at them, and waited for them to follow. Sena couldn't help but think about how the smile would have been wiped right off her face if she knew why he was here. Hiruma stood and gave a purposeful look at Sena. No getting away from this.

Sena stood up with Hiruma, feeling colder by the second. Breaths were racing in and out of his chest, though he tried to slow it down enough to act somewhat normally. He didn't want the doctor calling 911 or anything of that ilk. Sena knew it could get worse, and would do everything in his limited power to prevent it.

The room that waited for them was sterile and cold, as Sena expected, and posters with detailed diagrams of ears and hearts lining the walls. A stack of magazines awaited readers, but Sena couldn't right now. His hands were shaking. No, he was shivering. It was just spreading to his hands.

The doctor walked in, a squat man with a slightly oily, bald head. He saw Hiruma and grunted in a similar way that the cab driver had. Sena would've laughed, if he weren't so scared. Did Hiruma even sleep, with all the information he gathered on people?

"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor sounded almost as tired as Sena. Great. Another way Sena was inflicting himself on others. He wanted to tell Hiruma that it was all okay, they could leave, he'd be fine, but he knew Hiruma would throw a fuss, which would just disturb the doctor more. Sena didn't reply to the question, hoping that Hiruma would pick up on how uncomfortable he was. Hiruma did indeed, and answered the question.

"This guy here has cuts on his legs that need stitches." Hiruma didn't bother saying any more, knowing the cuts would speak for themselves. Sena paled at the words, and continued to struggle to breathe. The doctor, despite his own tired demeanour, looked at Sena with some concern.

"Hmm. You may have an infection. How are you feeling?" The doctor was peering calmly at Sena, taking in all the visible symptoms. Sena just shook his head, hoping that would be answer enough. The risk of throwing up on the doctor was a bit too high, and Sena wasn't going to take the chance by opening his mouth. The doctor nodded carefully, and gestured for Sena to sit on the examination bed. Sena did so. The doctor gave him an inquiring glance, and Sena understood that he was waiting for Sena to take off the sweatpants himself.

Hiruma was standing close to Sena, and gave a pointed look. Sena nodded almost imperceptibly, and repeated the actions of earlier, tugging down his pants. He would have been humiliated to take off his boxers as well. His naked body wasn't exactly anything special. Sena shut his eyes until he heard the doctor moving around the small examination room, picking up various tools. Sena's heart nearly stopped when he saw the needles. He _hated_ needles.

"Hiruma – I – needles really, oh no, Hiruma- " Without even being aware of it, Sena clasped on to Hiruma's arm. He really did hate needles. The doctor gave a questioning look, but Sena had already shut his eyes. Hiruma nodded at the doctor, and allowed Sena to hold onto him. The doctor moved forward with the syringe, pushed up the edge of his boxers and began poking in and the cuts with the anaesthetic. The second Sena felt the needle in the wounds, he started sobbing big, ugly sobs. His voice cracked every now and then as the doctor prodded around four or five of the cuts.

"Son, you're going to need to relax. It'll be a lot better if you calm down." Sena tried to control his breathing, but the mental images that went along with jabs of the needle made it a big struggle for Sena. It was only when Hiruma reached up and started rubbing soft, slow circles into Sena's back that he could finally slow his breath down and relax enough for the doctor to continue.

Sena's eyes were still clamped as tightly shut as his hands were clamped on Hiruma's free arm. The old man finally began making the stitches, inserting the small needle in and out and tying the cuts shut. Despite the numbing, Sena could still feel the edges of the skin being tugged around. This stranger was touching his cuts, getting as close to them as Sena did. It was horrifying. Everything inside Sena screamed for him to run, to get away from here, to hide.

Sena turned his head, and rested it against Hiruma's shoulder. Then, all he could see was dark blue cloth, and nothing else.

He didn't even mean to, and felt worried for a moment that Hiruma would push him off, but the slight worry was nothing he felt compared to fright the poking of the stitches was sending through him. Hiruma continued to rub the warm circles into Sena's back, only pausing for a second when Sena first leaned in. It helped, and Sena would never be able to thank Hiruma enough.

After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor finished with the stitches and cleaned up the few dots of blood here and there. Sena finally let go of Hiruma, breath returning to a somewhat normal speed. There were bright red welts and slight indents on Hiruma's arms where Sena had been grabbing him, and there were splotches on his dark blue shirt where Sena had been crying against him. Hiruma's hand stopped moving, but rested comfortably against Sena's back.

The doctor watched as Sena pulled his pants back on, and only started speaking when Sena had pulled himself somewhat together.

"Young man, the stitches will only help the actual cuts. It won't stop you from making new ones. I'd highly recommend you find some help for this. It's obviously detrimental for both your mental and physical health. I cannot force you to do anything, but if you want, I'll write a few notes and ask a few people for their professional help."

The doctor's expression was sad, but kind. "I'm going to write a prescription for some antibiotics, as you seem to have an infection that is causing a slight fever. Please be careful. The slight anaemia you've given yourself isn't helping anything."

Sena jumped a little bit at the last comment. He knew he couldn't kill himself through the cuts, so he had just assumed that the bleeding wasn't that dangerous in itself. The mention of anaemia frightened him a little bit. Anaemia was a real thing, not some ambiguous, unknown terror. Sena tucked the prescription given to him into his pocket, and left the clinic with Hiruma. The best acknowledgement he could give the doctor was a nod, but he hoped the doctor understood the deeper meaning behind it. The kindness had been unexpected, and considering the circumstances, Sena wasn't sure it could have gone any better than it did.

As Hiruma was talking to the secretary, Sena gently tugged his sleeve. He didn't want to go home yet. At home there was his exacto knife, bloody sweatpants, and an increasing number of bad memories. Sena had seen the parks nearby, and it was only two or three in the afternoon. They had plenty of daylight. Hiruma looked at Sena inquiringly, and Sena shook his head before speaking.

"Let's not go back yet? There's a nice park nearby. How about we go there, maybe?" Sena found the courage to look up, and give a little smile. The smile must have been ugly, with both Sena's eyes and nose swollen and red, but it was all Sena could give. Hiruma was doing so much for him, and the least he could do was try to be cheerful for his sake. Hiruma paused for a moment, then smirked.

"Sure thing, pipsqueak." He turned and gave a nod to the doctor, who was standing off to the left, and directed Sena outside. The sunlight was warm on the skin as he walked in the direction of the park. Hiruma strolled beside Sena, closely on his left, and this time, Sena wasn't afraid to be close. The tolerance Hiruma showed in the doctor's office was more than Sena could ever ask for, and if Hiruma wanted to walk close to him, Sena certainly wasn't going to deny him the proximity.

After a few minutes, the park came into their view. It was just as peaceful as Sena had seen through the tinted taxi windows. Sena let a wider smile onto his face this time. He even jogged a little bit to get to the swings. They'd always been his favourite. Sena looked back and saw Hiruma giving the shiny, plastic frogs a disgusted glare. The mental image of a miniature Hiruma riding on of those frogs compelled Sena to laugh, much to the confusion of Hiruma.

Sena sat down on the rubber swing, his laughter fading, and then his smile as his thoughts turned in other directions. Most of the thoughts were still Hiruma-centric, but not in such a pleasant way. Hiruma had seen Sena at some of the worst possible times, where he had been so weak. Had he really held onto Hiruma, sobbing into his shoulder? Sena couldn't believe his behaviour. Way to screw up. The sudden change in thoughts almost surprised Sena, but he couldn't stop them from running through his mind. There wasn't any evidence that it wasn't true.

"Sena? What the hell are you thinking now?" Hiruma was leaning against a pole that supported the swings. He was only a foot or so away from Sena, and in the quiet park, Hiruma's voice was sharp and clear, striking Sena head-on.

"Ahh, nothing Hiruma. Nothing important." Sena closed his eyes and smiled. If he kept his eyes open, and looked at Hiruma directly, the smile probably wouldn't be able to stay on his face.

"That's crap. You said you didn't need help, but you obviously do need it, and I'm going to help. This is important, so don't be stupid." Hiruma's words were gentler than they should have been, and Sena felt his defense breaking down. Why was Hiruma using kindness? Anger was so much easier to retaliate against. Sena didn't answer though.

"Sena, for fuck's sake, why are you still hiding? What, do you hate me? Is that it?" Hiruma's voice lost any hint of anger at the end. "Should – do you want someone else to be helping you?" What Sena just heard was rare, and Sena knew he had never heard it before. Hiruma was now looking at his feet, something Sena knew he did himself. Wisps of blonde hair blocked Hiruma's eyes from view as he slouched against the swings. It was too much.

Sena realized that Hiruma was nervous, scared, insecure; he was afraid of the answer. Sena couldn't stand for this. He stood up, losing all ideas of defending himself.

"Hate you? I don't hate you. I couldn't hate you." Sena ignored all voices of reason screaming at him as he took that step closer to Hiruma.

Before Hiruma had time to react and pull away, Sena wrapped his arms around Hiruma's shoulders. He let go of all the fear in his body, and tried to think only of how thankful he was that Hiruma had been with him in the doctor's office. Sena closed his eyes, and shut out all memories of scary, enraged, disgusted Hiruma. Instead, he focused on how warm Hiruma felt now, and the happiness Sena felt as he wasn't rejected.

It took a moment or two, but Hiruma's arms returned the embrace, if somewhat stiffly. Neither of them was very good at this, but at that moment, it worked. Sena pulled himself closer. Hiruma's warmth was spreading, only making the surrounding air seem colder. Sena could feel Hiruma's breaths disturbing his hair, and he became slightly more aware of the situation.

Enough so that he could finally ask the question he never wanted to ask. It came out as a whisper, and Sena hoped Hiruma could hear it.

"It's just…why do you care, Hiruma?"

Sena obviously thinks too much. Even my darling reviewers are saying "I can't see Sena doing that," but I started imagining it when I realized Sena was an anxious, insecure, uptight over-thinker. And those type of people have a tendency to bad habits. Or, so my crafty mind would like to think. I'll do my best to convince you!

**As well, someone asked where in the ES21 storyline this is, and…well, I must be honest, I started writing this –before- they went on the trip to America. So, that never happened. They remain in Japan. This is important for later on. Sorry! **

**So many reviewers! PS: Is there a rule about not responding to reviews in the stories, like here? I searched for ages, but I couldn't find any. So I shall give my reviewers due attention.**

Yenkaz: Here's your update! Good job on getting the first review. The cutting scenes are important, I think. I'd hope I'm doing well with them~

Hitsuka: Oh Hiruma. Goodness, how do I make him affectionate? I'm working on it. He's definitely going to be one of 'those' characters, you know, the ones that make you cry in desperation about writing.

Lunapokema: THE Lunapokema left me such a review? I'm so happy. Go HiruSena writers! There isn't nearly enough room here to reply, but I sent you one already – I hope you got it.

Imparfait: Thank you for sticking around! I hope the rest of the story will continue to please you, have faith in me!

Werefox Alchemist: Don't worry, I know what you mean. It might take a while, but it'll happen. HiruSena is one of those awkward couplings that in reality, wouldn't work like "Bam!", but it'll come.

Crazyb1tch85: The moment indeed did arrive! Did I do it justice? I wanted to get Hiruma's reaction just right, and try to get the scary emotions down pat. Review more :D

Muchacha: Well, if I hadn't made a cliffhanger, I'm not sure I would've gotten this many reviews! But I updated much quicker than usual, so hopefully it wasn't too bad. I tried to give this chapter some substance to hang onto.

Nekotsume: Maybe one of the longest, but not the best. I really like that 'Once upon an alternate dimension' – it's very amusing. I made him hot? Woo! Flattery sure does work (university entrance exams? No, you must study!) :D

Sparkly-Carrots: I'll assume it's mostly love. Thank you for all the flattery!

Bazzo-kun: I updated much sooner, see? (Two weeks vs. a month or so? I tried, I really did!)

.laugh: Sena SO got found out. But, he deserves it (in a good way) such a nice young boy…

quaebah24: It'll eventually be a HiruSena. One day. When it's right :D

crimson_desert: Is it bad that I'm flattered by your hatred? Oh dear. I'm sure (I think) that you mean well, because it sure made me happy!

Phidias Bagel: Ahh, well you be sure to tell me if I start writing it badly – I dislike it to, and I'd be very distraught to find out I was one of those 'bad-angst' writers.


	9. Chapter 9

**It's been one month of struggling and lack of sleep, but it's here. I've already started working on the next chapter, so hopefully it will be up much sooner. Thank you to all who are continuing to read, despite the wait.**

Even with Hiruma's arms wrapped around him, Sena felt the anxiety growing in him. The question that had been pulling him apart, clawing at his mind with every action, was finally out in open. He squeezed his eyes shut, and started to pull his hands off of Hiruma, but Hiruma didn't let go of him. Instead, he pulled Sena even closer, squeezing him almost painfully.

"Idiot…you're not running now." Hiruma's words came out as an almost incoherent growl, but after months of practicing with the captain, Sena could understand what he said. In fact, he could understand it on a few levels, but that didn't make him want to accept it. Hiruma hadn't answered yet, and maybe he wouldn't ever. Sena didn't expect any more than that.

"Hiruma, it's alright, you don't have to answer or anything. I know." Sena gave a sad, resigned smile, but only to himself. He knew that this would happen, and from here on out, Hiruma would finally start showing the signs that he was giving up. Sena wasn't worth the time. He knew that. In accord with Sena's thoughts, Hiruma started to pull back, but just when Sena thought he was going leave, Hiruma left his arms around Sena.

"What do you think you know? What is it that you're expecting?" Hiruma hissed the words, using his all-mighty stare to drive them into Sena. It wasn't just a cynical and rebellious thought in Sena's mind. Hiruma's stare was incredibly powerful. And right now, it was making Sena tear up, with no way to hide it. Hiruma's grasp weakened for a fraction of a second at the liquid starting to come down Sena's cheeks, but he was determined. "I want to know."

Sena had never been a religious person, but he wondered if this is what all the fables talked about. This almighty, strange power that could bring you down to your knees. Whatever it was, Hiruma had it. Sena was almost sure that it seemed to be surrounding the captain right now, inflicting its force on Sena.

"Hiruma…this whole thing shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter. You're just wasting your time on me, you know?" Sena choked at the last part. The truth always hurt, and this one hurt more than anything Sena had ever faced. Hiruma's grip only got tighter as Sena tried to pull himself away. He wanted to go home. What was Hiruma going to do now?

Sena needed to run. He needed to get away. The events of the last few days were spinning around, repeating over and over, making little sense. Sena wondered if he was going completely insane. Things that had happened days ago felt like they were happening all over again, and the terror was replaying until he wasn't even sure anymore. He wasn't sure what he wanted, or what Hiruma was doing, or what they were ever going to do.

"Fucking shrimp. This is anything but a waste of time. I care, and there are a thousand reasons why. Accept it, because you're not getting rid of me that quickly." Hiruma pulled him back so that Sena was resting his head on the crook of Hiruma's shoulder. It was like an anchor. The chaos inside him hadn't disappeared, and he hadn't figured anything out, but it brought everything to standstill, and right now that was all Sena could hope for.

Only when he stopped struggling did Hiruma relax his grip again. From the view of any stranger, the embrace again looked warm and affectionate. And with the exception of Sena's tears staining Hiruma's shirt for the second time that day, it was. Hiruma seemed to understand at that moment what Sena needed was not a gentle friend giving him whatever he wanted, but a firm force to help him do what was necessary.

Hiruma released Sena, and while he was scowling, there was a slight blush dusting his cheeks. Sena wiped roughly at his eyes, not wanting to prolong the embarrassing behaviour for too long, and laughed a little bit at Hiruma. The laugh was a bit hollow, but the sound pushed away all the dark thoughts and memories that Sena didn't want or need to think about.

"Idiot," Hiruma proceeded to whack Sena over the head with a fist in return for the laugh, but it was worth it.

The two of them walked out of the park, and with dismay, Sena remembered how far away this place was from his home. The stitches were pulling every time he took a step, and he felt so tired. Too tired to walk even a quarter of the distance to his house. Being kicked in the stomach, the confrontation this morning, the visit with the doctor, and the discussion with Hiruma just now; Sena was exhausted. His legs felt heavy, and his toes were starting to catch on the ground.

Sena paused to rub at his eyes, hoping that it would help him feel more refreshed. He didn't want to add insult to injury by collapsing in the middle of the road. After a moment, Sena caught up with Hiruma, though he wasn't watching where they were going. Hiruma led them back to the series of buildings near the doctor's office, and picked up a pay phone. As he started talking, it took a few moments for Sena to register what Hiruma was saying.

He was calling a cab, and Sena didn't doubt that it was the same cab from before.

Sena protested, but it came out so weakly that he was sure it had the opposite effect. Hiruma frowned at Sena, and completely ignored the vague muttering of "It's okay, I can walk…" Sena was sounding worse by the second. Finally Hiruma sat them down on a bench, and sat back against Sena's shoulder, using it as a place to rest. It seemed to work, if only because Sena sat so stiffly.

While seated there, Sena realized that he was beginning to feel sick again. Throughout the whole thing, his stomach had been hurting, but it certainly hadn't been very high on his priorities to think about. Few things prioritized higher than an affectionate Hiruma, and most of them had the words 'nuclear' and 'disaster' in the title.

The blow to his stomach must have exacerbated the nausea he was getting on a regular basis. Sena shifted, hoping it was just the way he was resting, but it wasn't. With a vengeance, the headache seemed to tear apart every delicate nerve in Sena's brain. In the few seconds of intelligent thought that Sena had left, he pondered how quickly the aches were returning. Then the thought was gone.

With a groan, Sena stood up and started pacing. He couldn't even be sure if Hiruma had said anything in response, because the pain in his stomach and head was hurting far too much. The soft lighting from the afternoon sun seemed to become harsher, the shadows sharper. He stopped his pacing to lean against the brick walls. Even the texture seemed to be irritating whatever was happening to him right now.

God, it was hurting so much that he wasn't even realizing what he was doing. He had shut his eyes, biting his lip, everything he did when something bad was happening. Except he didn't know what was happening. In frustration from the headache, he kicked the wall. He didn't even feel it.

Since everything was becoming rather confusing, Sena let whoever was grabbing him to lead him somewhere. He guessed it was a taxicab, but he really wasn't sure. And that might have been Hiruma resting a hand on his forehead, but it was much colder than usual. Hiruma's hands were usually warm. That was one of the few things Sena was sure of.

The same cold hands helped him stand up, and move somewhere, but those movements were awkward. Sena had to concentrate every bit of control he had left to make sure he didn't fall. His feet seemed to be getting caught up in each other, and he might've laughed if he knew.

The concentration was ruined when he fell, and started throwing up. The liquid coming out of his mouth was barely crossing his mind. Nor were the hands holding his head up, or the sound of someone swearing. Nor, even the words he may or may not have said.

The ground changed. It had become so much softer. Bed, maybe?

And over the next few hours, he stayed in the same state of semi-unconsciousness, twisting and pulling at the sheets that were around him. In a slight moment of clarity, he was sure that someone put pills in his mouth, along with water, and he swallowed. After that, the pain all over him receded, and he was able to fall asleep. Right before he did, he remembered that he had wanted this sleep all along, and fell into that sleep relieved.

* * *

For the first time in a while, Sena woke up without a foot nudging him. In fact, there was nothing really forcing Sena to get up. He just woke up to a dark, empty room. A strange sense of disorientation hit him. He didn't know if it was early in the morning, or late in the evening. Added to the fact that he barely remembered getting home, and he really had to shake the sense that he was still dreaming. A part of him hoped that the entire day had indeed been a dream.

After getting out of bed, Sena stumbled around to turn on the lights. The clothes currently adorning him were different from the ones he wore that day, but they were no less comfortable. Hiruma must've changed his clothes. Which meant that he had seen Sena and all of cuts again. At that, Sena moaned in embarrassment. Hiruma had seen everything, all over again. Hiruma had seen everything Sena hated about himself, over and over. Sena breaking down, Sena's injuries, Sena's inability to control himself. Hiruma had seen all of it, and Sena never wanted him to see it again.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Sena started hitting his thighs in frustration. He had obviously made a fool of himself…what, three, four times today? Crying and getting sick and crying again. It was worse than just knowing you were sick and screwed up, because you couldn't deny it once someone else knew. And you couldn't make it disappear, as if it never existed, because that person would always know.

These thoughts were taking a while to sort out. A thick haze left Sena feeling slow and fuzzy, and he wondered if it were the pills. He really had no clue what happened between sitting on the bench and waking up. He had felt like this a few years back, after his parents had grudgingly allowed him some champagne for New Years. No matter how hard he tried, all he could remember were a series of blurs and vague images.

So, Sena decided to find the person who would know. Hiruma wasn't in his room, so it was presumed that he was in the living room. But even this basic logic was taking a while for Sena to think through. With a sigh, he stumbled out of his room and magically made it downstairs without tripping. He made a mental note to get a one-story apartment with elevator access later on in life. And screw it if there ever was a fire, he'd die in his bedroom. Stairs were too much work.

As he expected, Hiruma was sitting on a couch watching television. Strangely enough, it was the same home-improvement channel. Sena made a note to ask about that one day.

He slowly approached the young blonde, not wanting to provoke an attack. Despite his tactic, Hiruma still jumped up, though it wasn't in surprise. Sena flinched at the sudden movement. Had he said something unpleasant?

"What are you doing? You should still be sleeping!" Hiruma propped his hands on his narrow hips, and leaned forward to match Sena's height. The closeness made Sena forget that he had to respond. So he just stood there, mouth slightly agape, staring back at Hiruma. The medication currently running through his system wasn't making his responses any faster. Hiruma shrugged with a sigh, and rested back in his regular posture.

"What did you give me?" Sena's voice still sounded sleepy, which he then assumed made him sound like he was five. It bothered him to no end, but he wasn't going to make an issue of it. Though it was nagging him that he wasn't sure what had happened. At least when he knew about his mistakes, he could prepare for the backlash. This was risky.

"The prescription the doctor gave, plus an anti-nausea pill and a migraine medicine. You were messed up." Hiruma's voice wavered slightly, and Sena barely picked it up. He didn't doubt Hiruma's words. Even focusing every bit of his mind on that short period didn't do anything. He just couldn't remember anything.

"What else happened?" The question came out with some hesitation, but for once Sena would rather face the truth than remain ignorant. At the thought, he grimaced. Was he really that weak? Before Sena could think of an answer, Hiruma cut in.

"You came pretty damn close to throwing up in the cab, but you managed to hold it in until we got to the garden." Hiruma smirked at Sena's obvious embarrassment. "Then you started babbling about something, who fucking knows. And somewhere through all this, you got a massive fever. So I tucked you in bed, and drugged you right up." With that conclusion, Hiruma slumped back into the couch. Not really sure what to do, Sena sat in the same loveseat he had sat in for the last few days.

So he basically went crazy in front of Hiruma. Which was worse, bawling as the doctor sewed him up, or throwing up, semi-unconscious? Sena swallowed the knot in his throat. He had no control over himself anymore. That was it. There was nothing more after this, was there?

Hiruma had seen everything. He couldn't possibly have any respect left for Sena. Sena didn't have any respect left for himself either. Before, at the very least, he had a tiny bit of pride in how he had hidden his problem. It had been puny, but it was something. And now – now there wasn't anything left.

"The damn manager phoned. I told her you were perfectly fine, except for the fever, vomiting, and passing out." Sena could practically feel Hiruma's grin without seeing it. The glee radiated from the devil. Sena could almost swear, if hadn't felt like he didn't deserve the privilege. He did give a groan, knowing the worry Mamori was probably feeling right now.

"She's worried you won't be able to make the trip." Hiruma's giddiness sparked again, because he knew Sena had no clue what he was talking about. A trip? What trip? Sena frantically searched his mind, but she had mentioned no trip to him. Hiruma must have been able to sense Sena's puzzlement, because he clarified a moment later.

"Golden Week is coming up fast. She has weekend reservations at the Hakone hot springs for the whole team. It's a surprise." Hiruma glanced over at Sena, an almost innocent smile on his face. Sena would've rejoiced if he hadn't immediately started thinking of the problems this would cause.

There were two days, maximum, for Sena to get better. Was that even possible? How many pills had Hiruma needed to give him just to keep him from choking on his own vomit? And the hot springs – he'd have to bathe with the other guys. Even if he wore swim trunks, the nearly boiling water couldn't possibly be good for the stitched-up cuts.

"Oh crap." The word felt a little bit strange in Sena's mouth, but the situation was appropriate. Swearing didn't come naturally to Sena, but there had been a few times he had felt justified in cursing. And this moment was exceedingly perfect. Sena wished that he never needed to swear again.

Hiruma sat up, running a hand through his thick, blonde hair. The scowl on his face was at first aimed at nothing in particular, but he quickly focused his gaze back on Sena. It left the exhausted teen vaguely uncomfortable, but he was still too drowsy to think about it too much. So he matched Hiruma's stare.

"Well, don't let that fuck you over. I'm going, so I can be your alibi. A few little untruths here and there…" Hiruma's smile was once again pleasant, with only a touch of treachery. It caught Sena off-guard, and on top of the heavy dosage of drugs, he didn't plan his statements as he normally would.

"Why would you do that?" His hands flew up to his mouth, as if he could somehow push the words back in. It sounded ungrateful, rude, crass, and Sena, despite the distress caused by the devil boy, was thankful for the kindness. He wanted to hit himself for his idiocy, but considering the circumstances it probably wouldn't do any good.

"It's not really my business or my job to tell anyone about this." Hiruma's voice took on an edge of seriousness, but his expression remained soft. It hit Sena that maybe this was a regular part of Hiruma. That maybe he was tough because it worked. Suddenly, the Sena's first impressions of Hiruma seemed almost absurd. While the deviant side of Hiruma was certainly an important part, even the harshest of people had softer sides, and Hiruma certainly wasn't the harshest.

Sena remembered when Hiruma had snuck in an ice cube so Yukimitsu could join the team. It hadn't been necessary as Yukimitsu wasn't necessary, but it was pure humanity that led Hiruma to do that.

Of course, Hiruma didn't know Sena knew. The running back kept it to himself, as if it were some secret gift. So surely it wasn't impossible for Hiruma to be kind. It was at this thought that Sena realized how rare this was. Hiruma was showing him more mercy and toleration than even a regular friend would normally afford. And Sena was the sole recipient.

A feeling overwhelmed Sena, and he didn't know what it was, but he knew what he had to do. He stood up, quickly and with determination, ignoring the slight vertigo. Dropping to the ground, he went into the 'dogeza' bow in front of Hiruma.

Many teenagers would've laughed at the out-of-place kowtowing, but Sena was sure Hiruma wouldn't laugh. This moderate trust was a little frightening, but Sena had more important things to do. He couldn't let Hiruma think that it didn't matter. That all the things he did for Sena didn't matter.

"Damn shrimp, sit up. Don't embarrass both of us." Hiruma offered a hand for Sena to pull himself up with. Sena gladly accepted, and in the short moment of interaction, he seemed to notice too many things. How encompassing Hiruma's hand was, and how the calluses rubbed up against his palm. The comfortable warmth that Sena always felt still seeped into Sena's skin.

Hiruma's grasp was firm, confident, and more than Sena could possibly imitate. It lasted for a second, but the touch left a ghost on Sena that he couldn't shake. Maybe he didn't want to.

"Fucking secretary - we have school tomorrow, you should lie down for a while." Hiruma harrumphed in an almost obstinate way. Sena gave a glance at the stairs, sizing them up. He could take them, he hoped. However, he was completely aware how painful stairs could be when they won. And Sena really didn't feel up to a battle.

Hiruma seemed to sense Sena's hesitation, because he beckoned with a delicate wave of the hand. Sena automatically responded, turning all attention to the captain.

"Lazy. Come lie down over here." Before Sena could respond, Hiruma had tugged him off balance by the arm, and Sena fell right onto the couch where Hiruma lay. Except the couch could only hold one person, so that meant–

Sena was lying beside Hiruma. Or was he lying with Hiruma? On top of Hiruma? Sena froze, the blood rushing to his face. Hiruma seemed to take no notice of the shady results of his action, but he did lay an arm on Sena's side. So he must have known that Sena was lying on top of him! Despite the heavy medication, Sena's mind was racing. What was he supposed to do? Was this a test? Should he jump off?

Sena paused his thoughts. What was Hiruma playing at? Despite his kindness, was he amused by the confusion he was causing? Had he completely forgotten what had happened during the day? A small part of Sena wanted comfort so badly though. So what was this – was this anger? Sena couldn't completely understand why though. The conversation in the park flashed through his mind, as did several more from the last few days.

Hiruma hadn't answered Sena's question. He had said he cared, and Sena had felt comforted at the time, but maybe, maybe it all came back to the football. Sena had already reminded himself of Hiruma's intelligence and deviousness; maybe this all led towards a higher goal for Hiruma. Who said he couldn't act too? Sena had been doing it for months, so why couldn't Hiruma pull it off for a few days? That same small part of Sena saw the callousness of Sena's assumptions, but it was drowned out by confusion.

Sena pushed firmly with his arms, getting off of Hiruma. If Hiruma had 'a thousand reasons to care' then Sena had a thousand-and-one reasons Hiruma shouldn't. But even as this thought passed through his mind, Sena's anger waned. He was thankful, as he wasn't really sure where it had come from, but the irritated expression on Hiruma's face certainly cut it right off.

"I think I'll go to bed. Get lots of sleep for school." With a small smile and a goodnight, Sena stood up to leave. Hiruma grabbed his arm, but didn't seem to sort his thoughts out quickly enough because he just as quickly let go and resumed watching an overly enthusiastic young woman tile a bathroom floor. Sena returned to his bedroom, set his alarm, and quickly fell asleep in his little nest on the floor.

Hiruma came to bed soon after, and even his intimidating stares didn't manage to wake Sena up.

**I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I've been watching the dates; I know it took over a month. However, to be truthful to you lovely readers, I currently have a job that is taking up quite a few hours, as well as a lot of schoolwork to do over the summer. Plus, I had to tear this chapter out of me. But! It will get better. And by better, there is still more plot, confrontation, and of course, unhappiness to come.**

**Here's a nod to all those who reviewed!**

Crazyb1tch85: Sena, carefree? Oh dear. I think I'm not very good at this whole 'interpret-the-character' thing. I saw him as a nervous, insecure teenager who didn't know how to deal with problems. Smack me, someone?

Werefox Alchemist: I searched, and I put in a ticket to the FAQ to find out, but I don't think it's been answered yet. So I will continue to respond to reviews. I'm very grateful for them. PS: Give me a link to this 1000-word story! You're anonymous! I cannot find!

TheInflictedFinger: Rude? How is that rude? I'm complimented that my story could distract you from doing that to yourself, as well as move you. Really, really complimented in fact. (Yes, What It Is To Burn is a very powerful song.)

crimson_desert: Oh no, don't give away your Urahara stuffy. Save it, and worship it for the cuddly little character it is. I'll have some of that Pocky though…I have read a story with Sena on top. It was very well done.

quaebah24: Why thank you! Sometimes it's quite hard as a writer to see the story the way the reader's see it, but I enjoyed writing chapters seven and eight a lot. This chapter…not so much. But hopefully you will enjoy.

KawaiiOniKoneko: What is 'it'? Well, I'm sure you've found out. Unless 'it' was getting sick or some actual hints of romance, no, 'it' didn't happen. (…did you mean sex? Och aye!)

Nekotsume: I hope your opinion of the way I wrote Hiruma is the general opinion. I sat for hours wondering, "How on earth do I make Hiruma initiate some friendly affection without being sappy, emotional, or loving in the slightest?" Goodness gracious, I don't think I know what I've gotten myself into. But I will continue, of course.

Sumji: Thank you very much for the note you sent me. It was great encouragement, even when I wondered if I could ever finish this chapter. Hmm…I wonder if you'll be liking Hiruma so much in the future chapters?

Kailis: Thank for the review, and sorry to have kept you waiting.

Phidias Bagel: I hated stitches. I based some of the description of the previous chapter off of my experiences with a doctor sewing up something. Although it was great to have friends touch the stitches. It horrified them more than it did me.

Kakashisninjadogs: That's quite all right, I won't not update just because you didn't review. But it nice to get them. Yes, the hug was a bit weird. Just maybe try to twist your brain around, and imagine a Hiruma who is more than a little concerned for Sena, so I suspect that he would just wing it. Like hugging. He's not very good at it. I'm not very good at writing it either. Oh dear.

AyaYoichi: Well, if you couldn't wait, I hope you haven't imploded, as it's been a month. A long, shameful month of not a single update. (Thank you for the review!)

Garlicpotatopie: Your name intrigues me greatly. And I use the word 'awesomest' far too often for someone trying to write an essay on '1984'. Oh well. Hope to hear from you again!

.laugh: Perhaps they get together…or perhaps Sena's bad habits are too much for Hiruma to work around? Oh ho ho! Thank you for the review.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: I know, I know, I said I thought I could get this chapter up faster than the last, and I'm really sorry. I know how much it bites to have to wait ages to get a new chapter. This one felt like having a baby! I practically had to yank it out. But it's here now, and I have the plan written down for what will happen in the future for Sena. I give full permission for everyone to pull out their figurative sledgehammers and tear me apart.**

**Without further ado, Chapter 10 of "Nobody Could Know".**

And here Sena thought things were going to change. He really, truly thought that he was going to start off in a different way.

But no, that was certainly a foot, tapping him rather roughly in the ribs. His mom wasn't home yet, and she'd never kick her son. So that meant it could only be Hiruma. Hiruma was kicking him to get up.

"Stoppit. I set the alarm." Sena wrapped the blanket tighter, desperately trying to make the floor a little softer. One of his shoulders was going to be permanently damaged, he was sure.

"I hate alarms. Get up." One last 'tap' and Hiruma was gone. Sena debated continued sleep, but decided the punishment was likely to get worse the longer he stayed in bed. Hiruma sounded cranky already, although Sena couldn't really blame him. Looking back on the last few days, Hiruma really had gone through a rollercoaster. Taking care of an emotionally screwed up teenager with a habit of getting pretty sick was no easy task, and to add to it, Hiruma wasn't exactly maternal.

So Sena got up. It took a little struggling to get out of the tangle of blankets and pillows, but he somehow managed. Apparently, the stitches were quite sturdy. He would need the extra fortification.

In the next fifteen minutes, Sena successfully tugged on his rumpled uniform, brushed both hair and teeth, and got his school bag ready. However, to his dismay, he came upon a sizeable stack of printouts, all blank of any form of pencil markings. It was his neglected homework, including the work assigned by his strict math teacher. He tossed the sheets into his bag, groaning. He wouldn't be surprised if they kicked him out of Deimon. Not finishing homework was unacceptable.

He ran downstairs to find Hiruma standing there, looking far more ready than Sena. The captain tossed an apple to Sena without any warning, most likely another one of Hiruma's little tests. Sena caught it with ease, but secretly thanked any higher beings that he didn't make even more of an idiot of himself. Dropping an apple being tossed over a few meters would have been humiliating.

And so the two took Sena's route to school. It took a few minutes of hard glaring by Hiruma before Sena figured out that he was supposed to eat the apple. With a blush, he did so, all while completely avoiding any eye contact with Hiruma. Was the blonde angry that Sena had left so abruptly? Or was this something as simple morning-Hiruma?

With a sigh, Sena added his worries about schoolwork to the pile. He tried to imagine the best possible situation with his teachers, but it still looked pretty dismal. A muscle twinged in Sena's chest. What about football? He wouldn't be able to play if he got kicked out of school. And there would go all the efforts of his parents, all their long hours and weeks away from home. Sena would just waste it all because he didn't remember his homework. Mamori would be so disappointed, because she had truly been happy when Sena passed the entrance exam for Deimon. God, what was he doing?

"Oi. Tiny. Why're you looking so freaked out?" Hiruma's voice cut a swath through Sena's thoughts, surprising him, though it was becoming a common occurrence. Sena carefully glanced up, though he looked at Hiruma's shoulder instead of his face.

"It's noth-" A glare and a growl cut him off before he could repeat the default answer. Instead, he opted towards a more truthful answer. "I forgot about homework." At the feeling of blood heating up his cheeks, he focused his sight on the concrete. It sounded even worse when said aloud.

"Homework? That's _it?_ So that's what was bugging you? Fuck." Hiruma grinned maliciously, and stopped in the middle of the field they were walking through. The football field. He whistled a strange little chord, and pulled something out of his bag. Sena, quite confused, just stood staring.

"Give me whatever you didn't do." Hiruma glared at Sena, impatient with the boy's slow response. Sena hesitantly handed over the work, wondering what in the world Hiruma was planning. Hiruma in turn opened a container and dropped something slimy and red and…

Hiruma dropped a pile of raw meat all over Sena's unfinished work. Raw, bloody pieces of meat. Sena blanched and rushed to grab the work out of Hiruma's hands, but it was too late. The blonde tossed it a few feet away, right onto the grass.

"Hiruma, what, wait – what are you doing?" Sena now had no opportunity to finish any of the homework. He might have even finished off at least one classes' worth of assignments, but now he was completely out of options.

"What, don't you trust me?" With a cackle, Hiruma turned to face the direction he tossed the mixture of paper and dead animal. Sena froze, frantically trying to think of what he could do, but before he could even begin planning, he heard a slight rumble. Slowly getting louder; a whistle and meat, in the football field?

Cerberus came running out of the early morning mist, paws tearing apart the grass as he quickly found his surprise breakfast. In the process of ravaging the meat, he also did quite a number to the paper. It looked like a little murder massacre had occurred on his quadratic equations.

Once the vicious dog had gone a little distance from the paper, Hiruma grabbed the torn pile of ruined paper, shook it out as best he could, and handed the pile over to Sena.

"You were attacked by a rabid beast, and barely managed to get away with some minor flesh wounds, thanks to your stack of homework." With that, Hiruma turned back towards the direction of the school, and left Sena standing there, a pile of bloody homework sheets dripping in his hand.

* * *

Sena wandered into each one of his classes filled with dread; pure and utter dread. His (unfinished) homework was a biological hazard! And despite the assurance Hiruma gave, Sena couldn't bring himself to lie again, not about something so petty. The teacher's aged and hard stare didn't exactly encourage him either.

"Ah, you see, Hiruma-" Sena held out the pile to the teacher, trying to think of what to say that could possibly explain everything. However, a light bulb seemed to go off in the teacher's head, and she just nodded fervently.

"Oh, him, I understand!" The expression on her face seemed to match his from moments before. Quietly, she shooed him off to his seat with a pitying glance.

Sena hadn't needed to lie. In fact, it seemed that Hiruma's name alone was a password. Uniform messy? Hiruma. Are those stains blood? Hiruma. Sena hid his smile with a hand as new handouts were passed to him, as well as the ones that had been ruined. It seemed to come a little bit easier, smiling. As long as he didn't think about lying with Hiruma, Hiruma seeing his legs, or anything from the last three days, Sena could smile.

The day seemed to pass well. Apparently the message had spread through the teachers that Sena had a nasty encounter with Hiruma, and even his uptight math teacher gave an acquiescing sigh.

"I suppose that not much can be done in a situation like that. Fine. All work shall be due after Golden week."

Although he didn't quite follow Hiruma's plan, it seemed to have worked in its own way. Now that his panic over the homework had been lifted, he could focus on the next set of worries; everyone else.

Sena wasn't worried about Kurita or Monta. Despite their energetic and brash behaviour, they could be quite sensitive to the needs of others, and would leave Sena alone if he asked for it. Yukimitsu tended to keep judgement to himself, and the huh-huh brothers didn't even bother. Truthfully, Mamori was his biggest concern. She had determination when it came to Sena, especially when others endangered him.

So what would she do if she found out that Sena was the problem; it was Sena endangering himself. Though, Sena thought, if he was never discovered, it would never be a problem. It was as simple as that.

Or as simple as his current living situation was complex. Sena hoped that going to school meant Hiruma was going back to his home. He hated the feeling of being monitored. He liked his privacy, but it had disappeared the second Hiruma stepped in the door.

And now, every time he saw Hiruma, he felt the embarrassment and shame grow inside him. He remembered Hiruma's face when he walked into his house, when he had the bloody tissues in his hand, when Sena clung to him in the doctor's office. Sena wished he could just wipe away all the memories from existence. He hated them. He hated everything that came with them. And he had to prevent them from ever repeating with anyone else.

So he left for the football field. Sena expected nothing less than a grueling practice because of the two days Hiruma missed, and it was Sena's fault, no less. So Sena steeled himself for a very hard afternoon.

After changing, Sena felt rather strange. It was unreal that he was standing here for football practice as if nothing had happened. Though Hiruma had said he wouldn't mention anything about the last few days, who knew what Hiruma would do? It didn't seem that out of character for Hiruma to use blackmail to make Sena practice harder, or do whatever it is that he wished to be done.

Once again, it seemed that the world shouldn't be this normal upon his return. All the chaos and turbulence he had experienced, but there were no rocks falling from the sky, no tidal waves burying Japan. In fact, nothing had changed at all.

"Sena! Hey!" Before Sena had time to turn, someone had already leaped on him. Gangly limbs and overly enthusiastic laugh: it was Monta. "Have you heard? We're going to hot springs! Mamori planned it all as a surprise. Oh Mamori, only she could have done something so generous." Monta trailed off into a sigh, leaving Sena feeling awkward but pleased to be hearing the first normal thing in days.

"Do you know when we're leaving?" As per usual, Sena didn't expect certain emotions to rise up, but what was unusual was the unexpected happiness he felt. Like he had been stuck under water for the last few days and was finally coming up for air.

"Tomorrow morning! Friday is a short day, and Mamori labeled it as an athletic trip, so they're letting us leave early for Golden Week. Have you heard about these hot springs? They have indoor and outdoor baths! And there's so many rooms!" Sena zoned out, completely convinced that the hot springs were indeed great. However, he was still worried about the trip. The baths were mostly public, and even if Mamori secured a private one, he still had to sit there naked with the rest of the team members.

"So Sena, who are you going to bunk with? I know Kurita was saying–" Monta's conversation was interrupted by an ominous presence.

"You'll be bunking with me, unless you fuckers get working. Twenty laps. Now!" Hiruma shoved both of them onto the track and walked over to the office. Sena grimaced alongside Monta, having reasonable doubt that he would not be able to finish them. But he started anyway. After a half hour, Sena felt like he was going to drop, but the end of the twenty laps was coming up. He had managed to keep up with Monta…there was just a bit more…when a hand grabbed his shoulder and yanked him off the track.

"Oh no! You didn't finish. Looks like you'll be bunking with the captain. What a shame." Hiruma cackled at no one in particular, and wandered off again, just as he did before. Sena sat stunned. He really had been about to finish the laps. This wasn't fair in the slightest.

"Man, he sure is picking on you. I mean, you're sick and stuff. That's not very nice." Monta walked over, relief showing on his face despite his sympathetic words.

"It's a very Hiruma thing though." Sena muttered, receiving a laugh for his attempts at wit.

"Well, I'll see you bright and early tomorrow! Golden Week, here we come!" Monta skipped off to the change rooms, youthful adoration for Mamori powering his every movement. Sena watched as the others cleared off as well, cheerfully talking about the surprise Mamori had dropped on them. Sena took the time to catch his breath – he was definitely showing signs of the maltreatment of his body.

When he heard his name called from the football office, he wasn't really surprised. Hiruma was at least going to bug him about the bunking thing, if not something else. Sena walked in tired, but he could feel his frustration growing. And it must've shown on his face, once again.

"Pissed at me now? At least say something about it. It's really easy, like, 'I don't want to bunk with you.'" Hiruma grinned, but it seemed halfhearted. Or maybe Sena was reading into things too much? He bit his lip while he thought of a reply, not caring if Hiruma was watching his every move.

"It's just, you're making me stand out. I don't want everyone asking questions." Sena trailed off. He wasn't very good at opposing people.

"Huh. I think I did a pretty good job of hiding the fact that I get a private bath because I'm the captain. In fact, I think I made it seem like a punishment. Is it?" Hiruma smiled wickedly, raising a sharp eyebrow at Sena as the truth dawned on him. Hiruma had been helping Sena, and he was right! He did do a good job. It just looked like he was picking on him. Even Sena fell for it. Sena's cheeks flushed with warmth as the embarrassment came over him. He really was ungrateful. Hiruma just snorted.

"Oh! Thank you, I'll be going then to, uhh, pack and so on." Sena knew he was mumbling, but figured Hiruma would get the gist of it. He usually did, even when nothing was said at all.

"Yeah, I'll be coming in a bit." Hiruma swiveled in the chair, opening up his little leather book. Sena took this as sign that Hiruma was about do something rather illegal, and didn't want Sena incriminated as a witness. Or perhaps he didn't care. Either way, Sena left.

* * *

At home, Sena tossed some basic clothing into a bag. Sweatpants and t-shirts and anything moderately comfortable. He was tossing in his shampoo and soap when he wondered about his cuts. He figured he should toss in some of the basics of first aid, like his rather large quantity of gauze he had accumulated from secret trips to late night convenience stores, and the antibiotics, but if someone were to stumble upon that stuff in his bag, would they become curious? It wasn't exactly normal.

So he grabbed an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen and tossed the contents into the garbage, then tucked some gauze and the other stuff into it. Headache pills were normal. No one would wonder then. Sena smiled. He was feeling like things were a bit more under control. A bit more manageable, especially thanks to Hiruma.

It was then that a second, more ominous idea came upon him. Should he take his knife? The logical part of him told him not to take it, that way even if he had the temptation to hurt himself, he couldn't, could he? He heard the door slam in the background, and he knew it had to be either Hiruma or his mum. So he quickly made the decision, and tossed the knife into the bottom of his bag.

Hiruma pushed open the bedroom door without knocking, already carrying a duffel bag, and dropped it on the ground. He gave a short laugh at the organized piles of Sena's clothes getting ready to go in his backpack, and sat down on the bed. It was as if he had lived there for much longer than a few days.

"So are you finally going to relax at the hot springs?" There was no indicative tone that explained why Hiruma was asking the question. Sena paused with a puzzled expression on his face, hoping Hiruma would elaborate, but Hiruma wasn't even looking at him.

"I'd like to. I think not having to share a bath with the rest of the team will make that a bit easier." Sena wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to the question, so he left the answer open for Hiruma to tear apart, but he didn't. He continued to look out the window, with Sena watching him patiently, waiting for any sort of response. Not receiving any, Sena went downstairs to deal with other things. Hiruma must have wanted some alone time.

He dialed the number his mother left for contact, hoping he wasn't interrupting anything. After a dial tone, he heard a soft "Hello," that could only be his mother.

"Hi, mum? No, nothing's wrong…huh, the boss is extending the meetings again? No, mum it's okay. I just thought I should tell you that I'll be gone for a few days. Mamori arranged a small trip to some hot springs for Golden Week. I'll leave her number on the fridge. Yeah, I'll have a great time. Love you too. Bye." Sena hung up and smiled. His mother was always concerned with his well-being. It just made it all the more important that she never know about anything he did behind closed doors.

"Who was that?" Hiruma had come down the stairs quietly, almost startling Sena. He still had a distant look on his face, despite the ever-present scowl.

"That was my mum. I was just telling her where I'd be, so she wouldn't call the police or anything." Hiruma just 'Hnn'ed the response, already wandering into the small living room. Sena stood, unsure on what he was supposed to. Was he missing some subtle cue? So he went and sat down in the living, in the same love seat as he had done a few days ago. He watched the television absently for a few minutes, glancing every now and then to see if Hiruma was showing anything on his face. He wasn't.

"Have I done something to irritate you?" Sena's question sounded weak, but he wasn't sure how to go about it any other way. He had never been one for confrontation, running away or ceding defeat rather than questioning.

"Piss off. If I'm irritated, you _will _know. Go sleep or something." Hiruma waved him off without looking at him, and as was more per usual, Sena nodded and went upstairs to finish up the homework he missed, and then sleep.

* * *

It was bright and early in the morning at Deimon Highschool. There weren't any kids there besides the eclectic group standing around a pile of bags, seeing as it was a quarter to seven in the morning, but the silence was a rare thing. Sena's breath was misting in the cool air, as the soft sunlight hadn't quite warmed anything up yet.

He had woken up that morning like a different person from the day before. Thursday had been almost calm, almost enjoyable. Then he woke up this morning on his own, with no alarm clock, sweating and his heart racing and panicking like someone had been holding a gun to his head, and he wasn't sure why. He was going on a vacation, of all things to panic about. But it had left an imprint on his morning so far.

While rushing through breakfast, he hadn't been able to make eye contact with Hiruma, wondering if he had heard the panicky gasping. He started to feel grateful that he brought his knife, but he stopped the though before it went anywhere. They had a long bus ride ahead of them that Sena had to survive.

"Aw, buses are slow. I wish the hot springs had been near a train line." Monta was complaining loudly, breaking the silence.

"Well, you can stay here if you want. Less money spent, hmm?" Mamori jabbed the poor catcher with an elbow.

"Ahhh, no, that's not what I meant! I would travel anywhere for you, Mamori!" Monta slumped as she laughed and went to talk with the bus driver. Sena hadn't smiled yet. Everyone must've been getting used to it. A smack to the back of the head, along with a few other 'Oww!'s in the background informed him that Hiruma had arrived, as cheerful as ever.

"When the fuck are we leaving?" Hiruma grumbled to no one in particular. Mamori just glared in his general direction before continuing her conversation. Everything else seemed normal besides Sena. Hiruma kicked at the dirt and dropped his bags on the curb like everyone else. Sena still hadn't looked at him directly.

It took a few more minutes for everything to be settled, and Kurita started piling bags into the back of the small bus. Everyone piled on excitedly, whispering in the quiet of the morning. Sena sat by a window somewhere around the middle, and noticed gratefully that there were enough seats that he didn't need to sit right beside anyone. Hiruma flopped down on the seat to the front and right of Sena's, not even glancing in his direction. Sena figured this was intentional. He had underestimated Hiruma's subtlety before, and wouldn't do it again.

Mamori, with a glare, sat right across the aisle from Hiruma, surprising Sena. He figured she would sit across from him. Hiruma seemed to notice to and just snorted in her general direction. She quietly 'hmmphed' but said nothing else. Sena could feel the tension rise. Something bad was sure to happen in this enclosed space. He hoped it was just his raised anxiety misinterpreting signals.

A few hours into the bus ride, and the other members of the team had become restless. Monta had loudly called out his seventh game of Go-Fish with Komusubi, the three brothers looked to have several bruises from pissing each other off, and it appeared to spreading. Sena felt exposed in the bus, with only a cramped little bathroom that he could hardly waste away time in, away from others. He had the sneaking suspicion that Hiruma had been trying to watch him, but had been unable to do so gracefully with Mamori there, as he finally snapped.

"Why the fuck are you sitting so close?" Hiruma snarled at her. A moment's surprise quickly passed from her face, and it quickly turned to anger.

"You can't tell me where to sit!" She folded her arms. Oh dear, she was ticked.

"I sure as hell can! Go sit somewhere else!" Hiruma had finally made the effort to sit up and face her. The rest of the bus had gone silent. Mamori paused gently, then smiled. Sena's anxiety level shot up to an almighty high.

"Sure. I'll go sit somewhere else." Hiruma paused, the twisted expression of rage on his face faltering. "When you tell me what the hell is going on with Sena!"

Sena felt ready to puke. All eyes in the bus turned to him, wondering why he was such a source of contention. Hiruma froze as well. It appears even he hadn't expected this. The look then turned to confusion. Sena was terrified at what Hiruma would do.

"The fucking pipsqueak? Well, I thought he had been sick, but if you have some other information, I'd be glad to hear why else he's been missing practices!" Hiruma glared back, and Sena cheered inside. He had definitely underestimated the blond captain. Mamori stopped in her tirade, and seemed to be almost taken in with the act. Almost.

"You're lying! You skipped school too just because he was sick? A bastard like you wouldn't have that much compassion in his whole life!" Sena winced at the comment. The twisting of his stomach increased tenfold, because Sena _knew_ exactly how wrong she was. Would Hiruma put up with that, or would he finally let out the whole truth?

"Is that what you've been thinking the whole time? That I was taking time off to visit your precious secretary? You're right, I would never do that. 'Course, you can check with the fuckers whose noses I broke that day, I'm sure they'd be happy to confirm." Mamori finally seemed to doubt herself, and Sena grimaced. There could be no good end to this.

"I still think you're lying! This was different!" Mamori's cheeks were flushed, and she wasn't giving up. Hiruma finally stood up, ignoring the bus driver's calls for him to sit his ass back down.

"You know what? If you're so _fucking_ convinced that I'm hiding something from you, maybe you should be wondering why Sena won't tell his beloved Mamori rather than why I won't." With that Hiruma stomped to the back, practically singing the fabric of the seats with his ferocity. Sena swallowed his bile, and sunk into his seat, praying to God that they'd get there soon.

**Well, you guys, once again, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry for how late this is, and I have a thousand reasons (well, more like three, but they're really big!) excuses as to why this is late, but it doesn't really make up for the wait. So I'm really, really sorry. On a brighter note, I am much happier with the ending of this chapter than I thought I'd be. So I hope you're happy too. Any comments or criticisms are welcome!**

TheInflictedFinger: I used to have dreams about anime characters, but I had a really sad one with the Weiss Kreuz boys, and from then on, I wished really hard that I'd never have a dream with them again. And then I didn't. I'm pretty sure your dream would've made me sad too, because I can't cook in real life! Thank you for waiting so long! It's been AGES.

crimson_desert: I can certainly tell that it was 3 am when you wrote that. Wowee. (I hope it didn't hit so hard as to leave a bruise! Not the face!)

Nekotsume: Ahh, yes. It made me very happy to finally throw in some real-pissed-off Hiruma. Sort of like I'm nudging him back to his original character mold. I haven't gotten to the Musashi bit in either the manga or the anime. (Sound card died on my computer, and I died with it.) So sad!

BBQwolf: Thank you very much! Here is my encore.

Kailis: I have always found it very strange how an extremely unhappy story can brighten my day. I'm glad I'm not the only one, so thank you!

Werefox Alchemist: Oh dear. After such a long review, I feel incredibly bad for not finishing this chapter sooner. However, do remember that I will not quit this story. I am still very much devoted to it. I started reading your stories, and am currently working on proper reviews on NotePad. Unfortunately, my browser is struggling a wee bit with pop-up windows, but I'll e-mail the reviews if I have to. Thank you for the constant encouragement and faith. It really got me through this miserable chapter.

garlicpotatopie: I'm beginning to wonder if your reviews are sarcastic, although it may just be my dislike for the word 'emo'. Whether or not these two will ever get that far really depends. I'm still not sure. After all, can someone that mentally unstable really focus enough to care for anyone else that much?

Placed_Together: Thank you. It's always good to know that someone thinks I write well. However, if you do see something that throws you off, or any mistakes, I'm happy to hear and fix the inconsistencies in my writing. Sometimes my brain just skips things.

Dragonskin: I used to read every story that had "Angst" as a category, but as I've read more and more, I've become far pickier, so I appreciate this coming from someone who doesn't automatically go for the angst. I hope you continue to read my story, and I'd be happy to hear any critiques you have.

Crimson_Creature_Izumi: My goodness! You definitely made sure I was well aware that I hadn't updated in a while, with so many reviews. If I gave myself too much credit, I would never seek to improve and then I'd be doomed for certain to become a stale, useless writer. And yes, bits of this are based off certain experiences, but I'll never tell! (I could well be a bus driver who's dealt with a grumpy blond!)

Yakurimoe: Ahh, your username just rolls right off the tongue. I haven't searched up its meaning, but I have quite fallen in love with it. Yes, I do believe that I'll have to accept that the Sena in this story deviates quite a bit from the original Sena the author intended, however, I will do my best on making him realistic nonetheless, and at least keep the rest of his characteristics. Even if that means pulling him off Hiruma, who wasn't being very sensitive! Two smacks for that, I say!

Lunapokema: Indeed, I've been shamed into updating by the one and only, Lunapokema. I hope you have been pleased by this chapter! Personally, even I felt worried when I got Mamori and Hiruma fighting, but perhaps this will turn out for the better? Or has Hiruma ruined the entire vacation? Goodness, what have I set up for poor Sena?


	11. Chapter 11

**Gee, it's been a long time, hasn't it? I stopped watching Eyeshield 21 for over a year and lost the inspiration to write. (At one point I couldn't remember Komusubi's name!) But this story kept bothering me; I hate those stories that you just beg every time you reread it that it will update, but we all know the longer it goes without updates, the more likely those updates will never come.**

**So I decided DAMN, I'm going to beat those freaking odds. I watched fifty-two episodes in THREE DAYS. Currently, Kakei is making my knees weak.**

**Oh yeah, and here's the story. Please pardon me if I'm a little rusty at this writing-thing. Merry Early-Christmas!**

The rest of the bus ride passed in tense silence. Sena desperately avoided eye contact with the other teammates, mostly by feigning sleep, though he got little true rest. Instead, he ran through the last few days in his mind, wondering where the flaw in his act had been. Not that it really mattered now. Mamori was well and determined to find the truth.

Thus, Sena was determined to ease her conscious. He'd have to behave as if he was really just getting better from a cold. Cheerful, excited for the vacation, eating cure-all foods. And this time, he'd have Hiruma to back him up in his deceit. He hoped.

Unfortunately, Mamori seemed to have finally struck a chord with her words. Hiruma hadn't said a thing since taking over the back of the bus, hadn't so much as looked in anyone's direction. Not that anyone was trying to gain his attention. Sena was a little worried that Hiruma would be pissed that Sena hadn't said anything, but he hadn't been sure what to do. If he had stood up for Hiruma, then everything he had been working to cover up would be uncovered.

But now that he hadn't, would Hiruma call him on it? That he was unable to speak up for Hiruma when Mamori had said such cruel things? Internally, Sena groaned. This was one more conflict he had caused, but maybe if they stopped, he would feel better. A vicious cycle, he guessed. Well, who was he to stop it?

Their arrival at the inn seemed to raise the mood a bit, as everyone leapt off the bus and into fresh air. Sena never noticed the anything wrong with city air until he had something to compare it with. The first few breaths of that clear, crisp breeze seemed to ease his mind, if only a little bit. He felt a little humbled; there were many things to appreciate and be grateful for, so why was it so rarely that he enjoyed them?

It was another flaw. Always another.

As the others strolled towards the old-fashioned wooden building, chattering excitedly about the forest and low mountains nearby, Sena trailed in the back, nodding every now and then in response to Monta's exclamations. Monta and Kurita's voices seemed to have a slightly nervous tone whenever they addressed Sena, as if too forceful of words would shatter him. It only made Sena more determined to ease their minds, so he honestly expressed his happiness with his surroundings. The muscles in the other players' backs seemed to immediately relax a little, and this gave Sena a little hope.

As the innkeeper showed them to their rooms, Sena continuously glanced at the blonde quarterback, watching for any signs indicating what he should do next, but finding none he just bit his lip and followed along.

"Here is the room for the young lady, the next two are the regular suites and the final room is the private onsen. We have a special dinner that will be ready in a few hours." The old innkeeper's eyes crinkled happily as she displayed all the rooms' fine features as well as the more public hot springs. The warm, comforting ambience that radiated seemingly from the wooden building itself helped to silence Sena's internal self-deprecation.

"Will you be needing any help with your luggage?" The prospect of the wizened innkeeper carrying their large quantity of bags was too horrifying, so they gratefully declined and started towards the entrance of the inn, although Monta seemed to hang back a little, sidling up to Sena.

"Hey, are you still okay on bunking with Hiruma? I'm sure if we all tackled him at once, you could get away and hide with the brothers." Monta grinned confidently and a little too eagerly at the proposition, although his whisper held a significant amount of concern underneath the playful idea.

"Well, umm, it must seem a little strange but it's alright with me, I think." His mouth couldn't seem to articulate his words well enough to finish the sentence. Expecting surprise or suspicion, all Sena received was a big thumbs-up and a secretive grin, and with that Monta and Sena caught up to the rest of the team in time to hear the comment about bananas for dinner for the monkey. Sena laughed with the rest of them sincerely, picking his bags, though keeping his eyes to the ground.

However, in the corner of his eye he saw Monta shimmying up to Mamori, flexing his arms while carrying at least half the bags. Sena started to smile, but paused. Monta quickly leaned over and whispered something in Mamori's ear as he was showing off. Her eyes fell and dismay washed over her face, but Sena heard the thank-you she passed on to Monta. Not wanting to know what he had said to her, Sena walked as quickly to Hiruma's room as he could without alarming anyone and dropped his bag on the floor, the air rushing out of lungs.

He quickly turned around, expecting Mamori to dash in with some questions or accusations, something about what happened in the bus, but nothing came. Not sure whether this relieved him or not, he slumped down on a cushion. All of muscles seemed to creak with the movement, as if he had walked the whole way to the inn. The happy bubble created by the architecture of the inn was being intruded upon by reality. The pain on his legs, in his stomach, his back, the pain he was creating for Monta and Mamori and Hiruma; it seemed to be fighting its way back into Sena's mind with a vengeance. He leaned back, covering his face with his hands, squeezing his eyes shut in a pathetic attempt to block it out.

Perhaps that was why he didn't hear Hiruma's entrance, though to Sena's credit, Hiruma was generally a stealthy person. Sena jumped at the sound of Hiruma's bags hitting the floor. Looking up fearfully into Hiruma's eyes, he searched quickly for residual anger or resentment, but could find only the intimidating frown that usually accompanied Hiruma. Pushing through the thoughts racing through his mind, Sena seized the opportunity he had been waiting for.

"Hiruma! I'm so-, I'm sorry, for earlier I mean. In the bus. For not being a good friend." The last part came out as a hushed whisper, Sena straining to admit to his terrible behaviour. Hiruma just 'hmmphed' at this.

"Maybe. You'd have to think about whether I wanted a fucking shrimp to defend me though?" This response came with that typical fanged grin that eased Sena's guilt temporarily. "Speaking of fucking shrimps, how are you right now?" The question caught Sena off-guard; when did Hiruma _ever_ ask questions like that?

"Uhh, okay, I guess."

"Then it'll be perfectly fine if I check out how those stitches are doing!" Phrased a statement, Hiruma loomed over Sena with that fanged grin and shadowy eyes. Sena felt the panic from this morning awaken instantaneously, as if lying dormant, waiting for something to summon it.

"No! I mean, they're fine, you don't need to check them!" Sena pleaded. The thought of revisiting that previous shame terrified him, sending chills throughout his body. Hiruma's grin disappeared, replaced by a sharp glare as he towered over Sena.

"Oh, because you're so good at taking care of yourself?" Sena felt as if he had been kicked in the stomach once again by that brassy-haired punk. He deserved that. He barely restrained a gasp of pain on several different levels, and looked away, not being able to meet the stark green eyes of his captain. By not looking though, he missed the flash of regret that glimmered in the captain's eyes. Just as Sena was about to stand up, defeated, he heard a frustrated snort come from Hiruma, who was walking over to the next section of the room.

"I will be checking those stitches soon, so you better prepare." After a moment of contemplation, Sena followed Hiruma into the next room. Had that been mercy, from Hiruma?

The blonde captain perched stiffly on one end of a nearby couch, having pulled out both sugar-free gum and an English-language football magazine. Sena assumed this was a passive "end of discussion" and moved on to his own distraction of books and manga he brought along. He walked over to gently sit down beside Hiruma, wanting to find comfort in his warmth again, biding the time until what was promising to be an interesting dinner, if Sena had anything to do with it.

* * *

The feast was laid out on low, dark tables. As other guest ambled in, so did the members of the Devil Bats, beaming excitedly at the massive spread. The team sat down together at a longer table, Kurita already pulling plates nearer to him and Monta inching in beside Mamori with a wide grin on his face. Sena deliberately sat between Kurita and Kuroki, for the fact that neither would try to bring up overly sensitive topics.

The group ate through periods of general conversation; they were so used to short, pained grunts as the mode of speech during practice that initially the politeness seemed nearly stifling, until someone whispered a monkey comment, inciting Monta. Sena was relieved for the return to normal, though he anticipated ruining the good mood fairly soon.

He hadn't told Hiruma of his plan for the meal, to show him that Sena could to something to take care of himself. The near-constant presence of the blond captain was beginning to make him feel a bit helpless; he didn't want to think that his world would just collapse if he didn't have someone there helping it. It would be exactly like his life before high school, with Mamori there every step of the way.

So he definitely couldn't back down now. The only person disappointed would be him.

The meal came to a close and the quiet sighs of satiation indicated that Sena should act soon. In truth, he hadn't thought very far ahead in what he was going to do, that way he wouldn't be able to pick it apart in doubt and give up. With that final thought, he opened his mouth and just started.

"Umm, everyone…" The whiplash-like snapping of everyone's heads made Sena think he must've turned sprouted a third eye. Was it that surprising for him to speak up? "About earlier today, well…I'd like to apologize for worrying all of you." Using all the strength he'd gained from hearty dinner, he gave what he hoped was his most charismatic smile. "Most of all Mamori. Please trust me, and please…don't let any weird ideas ruin your vacation, at all. I'm taking care of myself." The last part slipped out more smoothly than Sena had hoped. Mamori's eyes glimmered at him as she mouthed 'okay'. As for the others…

"What's going on?" The Ha-ha brothers eyed the group suspiciously, "Uhh, worried about what?" Sena and Monta burst out laughing, though Sena more for the absolute release of any tension previously in the room. Mamori glared daggers at the brothers before stalking off, much to their confusion, yelling back, "I'm going to into the onsen, so don't bother me!" Sena could only laugh more at her furious indignation, grateful that at least the brothers didn't have a clue.

The rest left the table, surely to take up Mamori's idea and make use of the inn's number one feature. Sena smiled to himself as he walked back to the quarterback's room, feeling sure that he had just done something right. A hand cuffed him over his head, and before he could question his abuser, he saw a viciously grinning Hiruma.

"And here I thought you didn't have any balls, fucking shortie." Hiruma strode back into the room, allowing Sena to momentarily savour his small triumph.

* * *

A few trails of steam rose from the small hot spring right outside Hiruma's room. Sena didn't consider it his room, but he was happy to have the extra privacy. He didn't mind Hiruma's company either. The old host of the inn had shown them around the rooms, providing towels and yukata for the hot spring. Hiruma had ordered Sena to get in the hot spring, but he had delayed for a while.

Hiruma had already been in the water for a little while, his head resting against a rock wall and his permanently scowling eyes closed. Sena figured Hiruma was oblivious to everything right now, if not in a state of near-sleep. Sena winced and started tiptoeing back into the room. Hiruma just looked too tranquil to disturb.

"Where the fuck are you going?" Sena stopped at the ill-articulated sentence. Hiruma did indeed sound sleepy, and Sena felt his stomach ache a little bit with guilt. The blonde captain got little peace, and Sena really hadn't wanted to muck that up.

"I'm a bit tired, and you seemed to be enjoying it anyway." Sena turned and gave a light smile. He didn't want to argue with Hiruma either. The blonde boy was obviously still a little irritated from the argument with Mamori earlier, even if he tried to act otherwise. Sena wasn't going to push his luck.

"Bullshit. Just get in the water." Hiruma shut his eyes, resting his head back against the rock. Apparently, that's all there was to it. Sena stood there awkwardly for a few minutes, scuffing the ground with his feet and debating whether he should listen to Hiruma. But Sena couldn't find any _real_ reason to ignore Hiruma's command. Hiruma hadn't let him down. In fact, he had gone above and beyond what many people would ever do.

He owed Hiruma too much. A growing ache in his throat signified that it was time for Sena to stop thinking about this. So he just steeled himself for whatever would come, and got in the water.

Huh.

It stung. He was sitting on a little underwater ledge, but he couldn't find a position that made it sting less. He bit his lip as he tried to shuffle quietly and not disturb the water too much. However, even the shuffling caused hot water to ripple past open and healing wounds on his legs. His eyes were starting to prickle. The water really was hurting his legs, but if got out suddenly, then he'd agitate Hiruma yet again. So he took a few deep breaths and just ignored the twinges.

Ah, as usual, he was a bit too late. Sena wondered how it was that Hiruma always _knew._

Hiruma quietly (much more so than Sena) moved through the scalding water and sat by Sena.

"What's pissing you off now?" A lazy eyebrow was raised to punctuate the question.

"Nothings piss- " Hiruma rolled his eyes, waiting for the real story. Sena sighed nervously. "Well, see, umm, the water's really hot." Hiruma stared at him blankly for a few moments.

"Yeah, I noticed. So?" Sena blushed, feeling stupid.

"Well, it really hurts. You know, around there." He blushed more at even mentioning it out loud. As usual, Hiruma left him little time to collect himself. He hoisted up Sena's legs from under the knees, nearly tossing the rest of Sena into the water. Sena fumbled around, regaining balance by grabbing onto the edge. Sena nearly became outraged, or as outraged as he could become, anyway.

"What are you…?" It swiftly became obvious what Hiruma was doing. Gentle hands slid up the edge of the swim trunks Sena had chosen to wear out of insecurity, not wanting Hiruma to see any more than what he had. So much for that. The blonde was now inspecting his legs like an appraiser would look at jewelry. And it certainly didn't ease his anxious side in the slightest. Then something shifted.

Hiruma was still staring at the stitches, but his hands held Sena more gently now. A calloused thumb gently rubbed above one of his knees, the other hand just barely moving higher up his leg. Sena could feel his neck and face heat up, a blush brought on from more than just the hot water. Hiruma didn't even seem to notice what he was doing, but his face relaxed, and Sena almost did too.

Sena tugged his legs away from Hiruma and pulled himself out of the water, more embarrassed than ever. As he started to go back into the room, a hand latched onto his ankle. Sena didn't bother turning around.

"Yes?" His voice sounded stronger than he felt.

"Wait for me." Hiruma's voice was quiet, and void of anger.

"I can take care of this." Sena's voice sounded equally empty.

"Wait for me anyway." Sena continued back into the room while Hiruma got out of the hot spring, wrapping himself in a towel. Sena carried his bag into the bathroom adjoined to the room, both to change and take care of his healing cuts. After carefully drying off and changing into a t-shirt and boxers, he pulled out his antiseptic cloth packets, gauze, and some tape. He was just finishing up when Hiruma, fully clothed, came into the bathroom as well.

"You should've let me do that." The low growl was almost missed by Sena.

"I can do it as well, just as easily." Sena didn't meet Hiruma's eyes, looking just past his shoulder. "Besides, it only fixes the skin anyway." It was the boldest thing Sena had said yet. He got up and walked past Hiruma to lie on one of the futons provided. Hiruma soon followed and sat on the floor nearby. Sena nearly fell asleep waiting for some sort of response to his statement, the anxiety of the day wearing off. The throb coming for his freshly cleaned legs left him feeling woozy, and he wondered if that's what was letting him be so brazen with his comments.

"So let me help you, then. With everything else." Hiruma paused in mid-sentence, as if the words had to fight to get out. Neither of them were used to this. Sena heard a shuffling of fabric, signifying that Hiruma was moving his futon out right beside Sena's.

"Maybe. It's hard." Hiruma snorted at the reply. Sena twisted around under his blankets to see Hiruma lying fairly close.

"No shit." Sena smiled, one of many in the day, before closing his eyes. Not to sleep, not yet, but to think about what Hiruma was offering. This might be a commitment, some verbal contract. Or maybe Hiruma was a little dizzy from the water.

Would help from Hiruma really be help?

"I guess I'll try, Hiruma." Sena made one last attempt at a smile. Hiruma then did something very, very unexpected.

In a quick movement, Hiruma wrapped his arm around Sena's shoulders, pulling him firmly to lie against the blonde captain. Sena's eyes widened as his breath left his chest, leaving him frozen. All thoughts were drowned out by the immediate sensations.

Hiruma was warm. Sena had only ever felt Hiruma's hands before, and they had been warm too. But this was different. This warmth was all encompassing, like Hiruma completely surrounded Sena. He smelled of the mineral water of the hot spring, and of the laundry detergent he used for his clothes. Sena almost laughed. Hiruma smelled like flowers, of all things. Sena could use that against him later. And from years of football practice, Hiruma felt strong against Sena. His arms were encircled around Sena quite snugly.

Then came the second reaction: just a single question, ringing through Sena's mind at the speed of light. _What do I do?_

"So I didn't have to beat that answer out you. Now relax, stupid." The words breezed past Sena's ear, ruffling his hair and releasing a shiver throughout him. His natural instinct was to pull away and excuse himself. But for the first time, a little voice suggested that maybe, just maybe, he could take Hiruma's advice. Didn't he say he would do that?

And so he did. He pulled himself closer, into a more comfortable position, and promptly fell asleep, intoxicated by the warmth that was only Hiruma.

---

_His lungs were heavy like lead. They weren't meant to be bloated with water like this. Even though every muscle pulled, all that was there was water, and it burned. Hot, heavy water was in his mouth, his chest, his heart. If he opened his eyes, maybe he could see where he was, push that water out with his hands._

_There was red. He was drowning in heavy red blood! No, not blood, though that was all he could see. It was water – he was bleeding in to it. Opening his eyes didn't help at all. He could see no up or down, and the weight in his lungs…it was pulling him somewhere. Streamers of red trailed after him, drifting and ebbing away. Where was it all coming from?_

_It was coming from where it hurt. A black vacuity drained red blood from his chest. He looked elsewhere; that hole in his chest was to be expected. His arms! His arms were pouring into the water, massive rents in his arms letting it all out. All of what? What was being let –_

Sena's eyes snapped open, frightened awake, though he lay still. Shadowy figures around him appeared alien, until he remembered; he was at an inn in the mountains, lying on a futon. The dream was gone, but only its visual presence. Sena could feel nausea rising in his throat, fighting to get out as if it would take the memories with it.

And all that blood. Even in the dim light, Sena could see his unmarked, skinny arms. There were no faults in them, splitting them in half as they had been in the dream. Not yet anyway.

He slowly slid from underneath the many blankets of the futon, having already separated from Hiruma's hold at some point in the night. Achingly taking his time, he grabbed a smooth object from his bag and crept to the bathroom. One glance behind confirmed Hiruma's unconscious state, along with the rasping breaths the quarterback took. Good.

Without even having to think about it, Sena knew what he was going to do. While it may have looked different from the outside, he knew that all he was doing was making the memories of that _nightmare_ disappear, vanish completely. Maybe others could take drugs to fend off those haunting images, or simply ignore them, but Sena could neither wait that long nor shut his mind down like that. As far as he knew of himself, the only thing that could make such visions of pain go away was pain itself – though on an entirely different level of existence.

Time passed by in small jumps. The door was closed, then the knife was and there – there were his legs, white and pink and tan and red, in a sickening quilt of skin and scars. Then, the knife was in his leg, pulling through and the pain! The hurt shot down his leg with a twitch as blood, redder and hotter than anything a mere dream could produce, poured down his leg in trembling little driblets.

Sena made not a single sound.

A thought of Hiruma rose in his mind when the first cut was finished, and the nature of the pain changed. Now it was no longer to forget, but to remind him that his own lack of strength is what brought this on him, and allowed the ripples to stir everyone else. Nearest to him was Hiruma, not being stirred by ripples but attacked by the waves of Sena's shame.

So another cut was made, parallel to the first, but deeper. For Hiruma it was made, hurting enough that Sena had to clutch the knife with both hands to deal with the shaking. He held the knife nearly perpendicular to his leg, just yanking through the skin as scissors tear through fabric.

Time jumped again. He was holding gauze to his leg, a large mound of it nearly soaked through red. The two fresh gashes glimmered back at him, like the vertical eyes of some mythical monster. Sena had to hide them from his view for a moment to gain control of his limbs once again.

He cleaned and bandaged them without actually looking at them, wanting to sidle back into the warm futon. Nervous system shot, he cleaned up, disposing of the bloody cotton cloth by tearing it into pieces and flushing it away from him and this place. As he stepped out, he saw a sleeping Hiruma, still in the place Sena had left him. Even his devilish skills couldn't have seen this coming. Laying down in the futon, one thought drifted into the recesses of Sena's mind, settling itself in the corners Sena had just abandoned.

He wasn't the victim. He was the monster. He was the water, drowning mercilessly.

---

**Well, there have been so many reviewers since I last updated, I can't keep track of them! Not only that, but so many of the reviews were long, well thought out spiels graciously requesting an update. Trust me, you ES21 fans are the best of them all; I've never felt so guilty in my life!**

**But I'll try to get all your names anyway…if I miss you, I'm truly very sorry! I know this big list will look lame, but I re-read every single review as I typed up your usernames. **

**Thank you so much;**

Roxie Zeke, garlicpotatopie, Werefox Alchemist (oh, I'm especially sorry for disappointing you! Your reviews mean a lot to me!), yakuri-moe, crimson_desert, Phidias Bagel, TheInflictedFinger (and where have you been? Slacker!), Loving, Nekotsume, nikkon, Fish (thank you for the supportive review =D), F.A. Star Hawk, Lunapokema (forgive me Luna, for I have sinned…), AyaYoichi, tigoxgirl, Luki Dimension, JulyAngel, Aya, Sumji, Niki, snow887, Tyigra, Lacewing, Liliath, S1lent Lady, Mae, Sanzos-hyper-sis, Dhaki, Jack of Trade, seiko123, SapphireRhythm, charzard (that reference made my day!), Nakitama-san, Jen, unheardcries, Mizurio, slyswn28, Silent rhapsody, blissfulldarkness, Kitty, and Sillvog!

**A special note goes to Vanderburg; your review made my knees go wibbly and your support nearly brought me to tears! **


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: ****Surprise!**

**Assuming my file upload worked, I'd –highly- recommend you read the story from the beginning. I did a lot of editing, and a few small things have changed enough that I think it'd be worth the extra time. **

The sunshine filtered gently into the room through slatted blinds, waking Sena up slowly and cautiously. Woken as well was the new pain in his leg, fresh and unknown. Something felt changed from last night; like it was still changing, still moving and Sena could only be pulled along with the momentum. The scent of coffee reached his nose, barely there, and he turned around to see a fully dressed Hiruma reading and sipping at coffee.

_You're safe, _whispered a voice in the back of his head. And he was. For some reason, the night of sleep – albeit a rough sleep – had cemented something in Sena's conscious. He would try. With fuzzy morning brain, he couldn't point out what he was trying, but he didn't think he could make it any more specific. He didn't need to. He would try, Hiruma was okay with that.

Thus, Sena was okay as well.

Sena rolled over, catching Hiruma's eye. His sleepy smile resulted in a slight upwards quirk of Hiruma's mouth as well, though he continued to read the magazine in his hands. Sena, feeling too comfortable in the luxurious blankets, lay there, vaguely watching Hiruma and dozing off. After a while of doing this, Hiruma stood up, muttering something about breakfast. It may have been a trick of the light, but Sena was sure he saw Hiruma's cheeks redden before he left. Too sleepy to ponder this, Sena soon joined the others in the main dining room, along with other guests of the inn.

Mamori was the first Sena spotted, looking much brighter than the previous evening. She held up a glossy pamphlet for him to look at. Sena gave it a puzzled glance before recognizing it as a map.

"What's this for?" Mamori only smiled wider at Sena's question. Unfolding the pamphlet, she spoke.

"It's a map of the trails around the inn. I was thinking we could all go on a hike today right after breakfast," Her smile weakened only for a second as she continued, "it's good exercise, so even Hiruma can't protest." Sena laughed gently at her way of being nicer to Hiruma. Speaking of the devil, the blond walked up to the table, glancing only briefly at the map laid out before settling down to eat.

"So, Sena, would you like to come?" Mamori's voice sounded unusually tentative and unsure.

"That sounds pretty nice, I think I'll come." Sena smiled as cheerfully as he could to set her back at ease. Her shoulders visibly relaxed, that is, until she turned towards the team captain.

"Uh, umm, Hiruma - would you like to join as well?" Mamori's face turned bright red, but she solidly continued to face Hiruma. A long silence passed in which Hiruma continued to eat and Mamori looked closer to passing out with all that blood in her face. Finally, though perhaps to not much relief, Hiruma turned towards her.

"No." Sena and Mamori both flinched at this blunt rejection, but Hiruma wasn't finished. "Like I'd want to hear the monkey fight all day with the fucking brothers." With a positively evil grin, Hiruma continued eating and Mamori quirked an eyebrow dejectedly. Perhaps that was as close as Hiruma would come to making amends, and perhaps Mamori was beginning to recognize this. All Sena could do was shrug at her.

Settling down beside the low table, Sena nearly choked with the pain of the two new cuts on his leg; he had nearly forgotten about them. By crossing his legs, they twisted and pulled open further. They just shouldn't be stretched like that – they were huge and at a weird angle and so raw - but he could hardly eat standing. Images from the previous night fluttered back into his conscious, the horrible nightmare, bits and pieces of the pain, a glimmer of a blade. He had made one for the nightmare, and one for-

He covered up the possible groan with a large sip of tea. He had made the second one for Hiruma: for the shame he felt when he realized how he was burdening the blond.

But hadn't he just made Hiruma a promise? No, not even, he had made two: that he wouldn't hide anything anymore, and he would try. Rather than panicking or thinking, Sena just shut down all thoughts. He had made those promises, and he wouldn't lie anymore. He could still feel the grip of Hiruma's hands on his face in Sena's bathroom, blood smeared on his cheek, his shoulder, Hiruma's feral, frantic eyes as he made that promise. He could still feel the engulfing warmth and security of the night before when he made that promise.

That's all there was to it.

* * *

Sena watched Hiruma return to the room, but stayed behind. He had actually wanted to go on that hike, but they were leaving right away. At the edge of his mind, Sena could feel the fear and stress wanting to pounce, but he had to do this right. He gently tapped Mamori's shoulder to grab her attention as she sorted through maps and papers. Her smile as she turned was almost back to its normal luminescence.

"Hey, about the hike, umm, could I catch up with you guys later? I forgot about something," Sena bit his lip as he tried not to let the stress reach his voice.

"Oh, okay. No problem, I'll leave you this map if you want to come later." Mamori's smile dimmed, but her words were sincere. Sena tried to let the gratefulness show in the biggest smile he had given her in a while. She left the dining area to meet the guys for the hike, leaving Sena alone. Alone to work up the courage and determination to face Hiruma with the truth.

And as per usual, he could feel all the physical signs of what he was about to do. His heart hammered so hard, he could hear the blood rushing in his ears. His stomach began to churn, and the combination of all this got him trembling. But despite the all the manifestations of terror he was feeling right now, echoing this morning, something had changed. Maybe it was because he wasn't lying for once, or because of something else that was maybe, possibly fighting back. Too much blood, too much pain had perhaps turned Sena a little selfish, because suddenly help seemed a lot more appealing.

He took one, two, three deep breaths and slipped into Hiruma's room.

* * *

Small branches and leaves brushed him as he ran past. Sena couldn't see any sign of the rest of the team on their hike. Worse yet, he couldn't hear anything – and Monta couldn't keep quiet to save his life. Sena had ran up the trail – ran _fast_ – so he should've caught up by now.

A closer look at the trail showed no signs of a recent stampede of teenagers either. Sena slumped down on the ground, still recovering from his uphill sprint. He was running from Hiruma, separated from the rest of the group, who would've offered some solace while Hiruma slaughtered him or did something else. Sena trembled; he didn't know which option he preferred as he ran further into the wilderness. He wasn't lost though. Sena looked back the way he came. Did he want to go back and orient himself? No. A strange urge overcame Sena; he would keep on the trail, keep going. There was plenty of daylight left and maybe some solitude would be good for him.

As he ran, the surrounding foliage seemed to thin somewhat, and light shone through with greater intensity; Sena could feel it warming his skin more, and he soon found out why.

At the end of the trail was a clearing and a massive stone cliff, trimmed with the fuzzy moss typical of the area. Past the cliff was more forest – no magical waterfalls or lakes, but despite this plain look, several feelings hit Sena at once. The running had kept his thoughts from getting too far ahead of him, but it all came tumbling back now. All of it.

_The blonde captain was crouched on the far side of the room, a delicate paper divider obscuring part of him. Sena didn't announce his presence, merely shuffled closer. As usual, the sound of socks on tatami was enough for Hiruma's sensitive ears. He __whipped around, and to anyone else his expression would've seemed cold and aloof, but Sena knew Hiruma's language well enough to see the mild surprise hidden there._

"_Isn't there a fucking hike you should be doing?" Despite the swears, his tone wasn't actually irritated. Sena wondered if Hiruma even realized the connotations of swearing anymore, but it was enough to drain some of the courage Sena could've sworn he'd had a moment ago. The words he had prepared disappeared from him before he could say anything. All he did was look Hiruma in the eye for a moment, brow furrowing, before dropping his gaze to the ground. Hiruma stood up slowly, eyes sharpening into a glare directed at the diminutive teen. _

"_What the hell is going on?" Hiruma was getting pushy, but the tone still wasn't angered. Sena wondered how long that would last._

"_Promise. Umm, I made you a promise," Sena's voice came out as a solemn whisper that surely would've been missed in any other place but the silent, isolated inn. Hiruma's eyes narrowed and mouth opened to say something, but Sena cut him off, "that I wouldn't hide anything." Sena hadn't looked up from the floor until then, afraid of what he would see; or maybe what he wouldn't see._

"…_And?" Sena couldn't read the green eyes that met his, the only conclusion he could come to was that they were intense, whatever the feelings were. Sena used the pause to take in several large, steady breaths while keeping eye contact with the captain. A part of screamed inside at what he was about the do. He had worked so hard not to be caught, how could he do this? Hiruma's strong gaze had caught him. He was hypnotized. There was no going back._

"_I did it again." Such innocent words on their own, but coming from Sena they carried an ominous weight. The silence stretched as Sena fought to breathe and Hiruma seemed to process what he was hearing. He looked away, his face hardening into something that looked painful._

Sena shook his head at the memory of Hiruma's face. The running back wasn't deep enough to try to interpret what Hiruma had been feeling in that moment, only knowing that he didn't want to see that face ever again if he could. He stepped forward into the clearing; it had to be man-made, because around the edge of the cliff there was a wooden fence, if it could be called that. Sena folded his arms onto one of these barriers, resting his forehead against it as everything flooded back into his mind.

"_Where?" Sena knew Hiruma wasn't looking for a spoken answer, his eyes looking downwards towards Sena's legs before looking away towards the hot spring again. Sena quickly and carefully slid his track pants down, leaving him standing in a t-shirt and boxers. It was a little chilly in the room, only adding shivers to his already trembling frame. Hiruma had eyes in the back of his head as usual because he was looking away, and yet reached a hand over to Sena's bicep, rubbing to warm him up. Hiruma's random affectionate gestures were starting to shock Sena less and less, which was a relief because he figured extra shock right now would probably just make him pass out or something embarrassing like that. No, Sena leaned into the warmth, knowing that this comfort could leave at any moment._

_Finally Hiruma seemed to remember that Sena was still there, baring his shame because of a promise. A low growl left his throat as he took in the two long gashes. Sena felt like he hadn't even been there when he made them, they looked so foreign to him; one small and one long, gaping slash into his leg. It wasn't wider than that last horrible cut he'd made, but it was twice as long. Based on that, he probably could've used seventeen or eighteen stitches. Sena had to look away._

"_Fuck!" Hiruma yelled. He whipped around, hand tearing through his hair as he strode away from Sena. The anger came off the quarterback in waves. It scared Sena a little bit, not exactly helping with the nausea and trembling, but even now, he couldn't regret being honest. A lie would've hurt more than the current anger scared him. He couldn't imagine what would've happened if he had kept this hidden and Hiruma found out on his own. The thought spurred on Sena's prickling eyes, but he bit his cheek to stop the tears. It wouldn't be fair to Hiruma if he cried now._

_He was pulled out of his reverie b__y the rapidly approaching blond. He tried to be brave, but couldn't help but flinch at Hiruma's command to sit. Sena promptly sat on the nearby couch, Hiruma kneeling on the ground in front of him, hands full of white packets. Despite the infuriated expression on his face, Hiruma proceeded to gently clean his hands and the wound with antiseptic cloths. Sena could only stare, mouth agape, as the blond captain pulled out a series of tiny, thin white bandages. Sena had never seen those before. _

_However, he did have to look away as Hiruma's hands moved towards the larger, gaping wound. It hurt sharply as he seemed to push and tug on the skin around it, but Sena didn't even twitch a little. His pain threshold was far beyond that now. He only looked down when he felt Hiruma wrapping gauze and a tensor bandage around his entire lower thigh, just above the knee._

"_What were those?" His curiousity overrode the fear of retribution for breaking the silence. His last glimpse of the cut had shown it as a thin line, the thin white things holding the sides together. Hiruma ignored the question until he was done with the elastic bandage. He didn't look at Sena as he growled out a quiet, curt answer._

"_They're like stitches. The doctor gave me a fucking box." Sena heard the implied 'just in case' clause that Hiruma didn't say. Hiruma stood up to put the various supplies away. Sun shone through the rice paper doors, casting the shadows of the bamboo print design. His leg was wrapped up safely. He was safe._

_He felt like he had done a good job up until then of keeping it together. He finally let the moisture drop out of his eyes, his lip trembling and face heating up. It was like the dam had burst, his strength gone, and everything came flooding out. Guilt, embarrassment, exhaustion, shame – all of this he knew well in all their forms, but there was something new. Something he hadn't been sure he could feel any more, something he wouldn't let himself feel anymore._

_It was relief and hope all mixed together with everything else, and part of the force that pulled the tears out of his eyes. He knew why he was able to feel this, who had given it to him, and choked out the name._

_Abruptly, Hiruma was in front of him, crouched low because Sena had yet to move from the couch. Sena could only see the vague outline of the blond through his watery eyes, and he was a little grateful for that as he reached forward to wrap his arms around Hiruma's neck, hands resting on a toned back. God, the anger and the fear and the disappointment of Hiruma, they were terrible, and Sena knew that in the logical part of his mind, but the relief of not being alone was taking over. _

_Sena buried his face into Hiruma's neck, instincts taking over. At some point he had slid off the couch, on his knees just like Hiruma, clinging for dear life. The tears were already slowing down, because in Hiruma's arms Sena could feel the relief surrounding him anew. It took him several long moments to realize that Hiruma has holding him just as tightly, chin resting on Sena's head. They were pressed together from neck to knee._

"_I promised I wouldn't hide anything," Sena whispered against Hiruma's damp neck. He wasn't sure if he was trying to remind Hiruma or reassure him._

"_I know." Low and guttural, Sena felt Hiruma's words in his hair more than he heard them. Sena pulled back, finally sure enough to meet Hiruma's eyes, hand remaining entwined behind Hiruma's neck. _

Sena shuddered as a strong, cold wind blew past him, although he was sure he had already been shaking before. He stared down the side of the cliff; the barrier was so close to the edge. He could still feel the swirling relief and comfort of that moment in Hiruma's arms, it hadn't disappeared, but it was like a young sapling of a tree before a glacier of confusion. Confusion that hadn't abated in the slightest since he had begun running away over an hour ago.

_Sena wondered if Hiruma's face was always stuck in some semblance of a scowl, because his eyebrows were creased downwards even as his green eyes pulled Sena in. They had that same intense, unreadable look that might've scared Sena a week ago – hell, even a day ago – but now knowing what he did, he could only be drawn into them further. Hiruma's eyes looked all over Sena's face with a slightly frowning mouth; maybe it was worry or regret, but Sena didn't feel compelled to figure it out. _

_He felt warm all over, fear ebbing away second by second. One of Hiruma's hands slid up his back and Sena couldn't help but smile. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this okay with everything. Not great or stupendous or like nothing was wrong, because none of those were true. But he realized the thing fighting back against the self-loathing and panic and fear was a tiny trickle of hope. Small, but there for the first time in months._

Sena, despite the overwhelming confusion he was swamped in still let a little smile free, if only for the forest before him to see. Hope. He wasn't sure if it was with him as he leaned against the slippery old wood of the fence, but he remembered how it felt before everything changed.

_Sena could feel Hiruma's strong arms pulling him back, and he didn't mind. Maybe in a few hours he'd feel some embarrassment for being so close__ and needy with Hiruma, and probably more shock at Hiruma's reciprocation, but for now he was selfish and taking in everything he could. _

_Except Hiruma didn't rest his chin on Sena's head again, like before. _

_Sena froze, almost wondering if he had imagined it, but he hadn't because there it was again. Hiruma brushed his lips against Sena's cheek, his temple with a tenderness Sena had never felt before. The skin where his lips had touched tingled, felt marked. Sena's brain proceeded to short circuit because nothing in his life experience had prepared him for what was happening now. What did that mean? Did it mean anything?_

_Hiruma either hadn't noticed or completely ignored that Sena had stopped breathing, because he just pulled Sena against him tight, and this time Sena was sure, placed a kiss into his hair. It was rough and quick, but more forceful this time. _

_Oh. _

_It wasn't that Sena didn't like it. He couldn't even process whether he liked it or not, and therefore couldn't come up with an appropriate action to take. His body fell into autopilot as the confusion blossomed, taking over everything. He wasn't mad or happy, he just felt like he had lost his footing, had missed a step going down the stairs. He just didn't know what anything meant. So, his autopilot body did what it would do in any other confusing, terrifying situation._

_He ran. _

And now Sena was all alone on some mysterious trail, looking down a precipitous cliff into a sea of trees. Another breeze blew past him, awakening him to the real world rather than the world of memories. Finally, reality seemed to catch up with him in several ways.

First, his moderate fear of heights kicked in and turned his legs to jelly. This cliff was very, very high up. He hadn't really looked around him, but was a little shocked with the wooden fencing. They really only acted as a warning to any hikers, because the gaps in between could easily allow a person to go through, if willing.

If willing.

With the events of the last hour, last few days, Sena's walls had begun to break down, allowing things through that never could have gotten in otherwise. This had allowed Sena to turn to Hiruma for help, but it also meant he wasn't guarded against the bad things either.

In the last few months, Sena felt confident that he could say he had went through nearly every negative emotion that could be experienced, intensely. He had done terrible things to himself, lied to everyone around him, and let his health decline in every way, among other things. His thoughts had betrayed him constantly with temptations of more and more self harm.

But there was one place Sena had never allowed his thoughts to touch. It was something he skirted around, a black alleyway in the depths of his mind that he didn't speak of, even look at, because he knew. He knew that nothing was worth going into that darkness. And a part of him wasn't sure he had the strength to pull himself out if he went there. So he had just blocked it out, not letting his thoughts touch on it. The many times Sena had wished he could stop all the terrible things running through his mind, but this was the only thing he managed to silence before it could even rise to his conscious.

However, standing at the edge of this cliff, all alone, more confused than he'd ever been before, the darkness had found him and confronted him head on.

He glanced behind him to the clearing, the trail suddenly looking much farther away, much darker. The sun shone bright and warm on the clearing, especially where Sena stood, with no trees to block it out. It was so peaceful. He looked down again on the wooden structure he was leaning on to support his weak legs. It was sturdy, made to endure the elements for sure, but not made to act as a physical deterrent. No, it was merely a reminder that no one should go past it, even though there were gaps between each barrier.

He could easily step right between the gaps in the fence. A fall off this cliff would be instant-

Sena barely breathed as he was swept away by the darkness.

It would be instant death.

**AN: I don't really know what to expect now from you guys, but I hope you'll be pleased with what comes next.**


	13. Chapter 13

_He could easily step right between the gaps in the fence. A fall off this cliff would be instant-_

_Sena barely breathed as he was swept away by the darkness._

_It would be instant death._

_

* * *

_

Sena's vision darkened around the edges. His brain had shut down, or maybe time had stopped. It didn't matter either way; what made his vision shrink, his whole body go numb in a second was that without any hesitation he was honestly considering walking off those green cliffs.

He had been hurting himself for months, hadn't he? Was this any different, other than being more extreme?

_Yes._

He had hurt himself when the stress or the hatred or the fear or the numbness became too much. It was an awful way to deal with anything, but he had done it so he could survive, so he could live for another moment.

Death would be the exact opposite of that.

Yet with cold, shaking legs – was this shock? – he stepped a foot closer to the gap. There was still a good distance between him and the mossy border of the cliff, but that one step forward, almost involuntary, further confirmed his train of thought. He was truly considering this a chance to escape.

Escape?

Escape from the seemingly insurmountable problems that faced him. The cutting was getting more frequent, deeper, more out of control; he couldn't seem to sleep properly, either too much to no effect or very little. Sena's chest tightened up painfully – when his whole life started going downhill, he went for weeks without injuring himself, the wounds had been so small. His appetite was diminishing into painful convulsions of his stomach; and oh God, he was always so worried. Always so scared of being discovered by anyone.

Sena bit his cheek, his tongue, his lip, trying to feel, but he couldn't. He couldn't feel or hear anything, his vision tunneling towards the edge of that cliff. The colours seemed to become harsher, like the image had been sharpened. The edge of the cliff began to look like a paper cut-out against the grayish background, two-dimensional. He now stood right in front of the gap, the wooden fences on either side like a balustrade leading to the edge.

Could he do this? It would take, what, two more steps? Even if he changed his mind, there's no way he could scramble up the sides of the cliff with that slippery moss on the sides. His hands would just slide right off as the rest of his body was battered on the way down. It would be final, the ultimate in final decisions, with no chance of surviving the fall.

Sena reached out with his hands, shaking and slow, resting them on the worn surface of the two nearby fences. The feeling didn't register, and he still couldn't hear a sound for the pounding in his ears.

Logically, he could do this. Anyone standing where he was could technically do it. After it was over – well, there wasn't an after . And that was exactly it.

Carefully – still aware of the permanent consequences of the decision he now knew he could make – Sena craned his neck, looking over the edge. A breath caught in his throat. That would be a _long_ fall. The fear of that height further weakened his body, forcing him to crouch slightly. His stomach felt like a pile of lead, but no gagging or heaving came. His vision lost a little focus as his breath became short, quick, hooking in his throat and speeding up.

Out of nowhere, he was considering the end to his life – no planning or intention for this when he was coming up the trail, but the opportunity had presented itself and he was honest to God considering it.

All those plans and discussions about graduation, careers, a house, saving for his future would all become meaningless, instantly.

Sena's breathing became even more rapid, and he was sure he felt a small groan leave his mouth – though he still couldn't hear it with his racing heart beat. He was hyperventilating, like his body was trying to knock him out before he could do anything more harmful.

His thoughts were becoming duller as his brain focused on one idea, one decision only; _are you going to take that last step forward?_

Suddenly, roaring in his head came a resounding _no! NO!_

Sena had hundreds of cuts on his thighs in the various stages of healing, he felt trapped and miserable and scared back home. He had a façade, a lie that he had to keep up all day, every day to merely function in society. He had hurt nearly everyone around him in some way, to varying degrees. What he had could barely be called surviving.

But an hour ago, he had felt hope. It was buried under the confusion that came with it, but he had felt hope because there was someone who could help him, wanted to help him.

Had helped him.

Sena finally moved. He shook his head, throwing away the idea forever. After everything he had gone through over the last few months, he had still been able to find hope. So, no.

Sena was choosing to live.

He turned around, stumbling back, away from the fence, far away. He looked up and barely had time to register the shining green eyes before it all came to a sudden stop, like a car crash. Sena reached his hands over to Hiruma; he couldn't be pulled away from the edge of that cliff fast enough. Arms yanked him around the waist, throwing him a good five feet back towards the trail. He only dazedly registered the wind being knocked out of him as he hit the ground full-force, arms up around his head as he tried to force himself to breath, to see, to hear, none of which seemed eager to return quickly. What had just happened?

A loud thud reached him, fists slamming into the ground on either side of his head. Hiruma. Hiruma was crouched over Sena on all fours. Sena squinted, trying to focus his eyes because maybe his mind would follow.

"What the fuck!" Gasping sounds, beyond anger or concern, reached Sena. They were like the noises of some terrified, injured animal, echoing beyond the cliff. Those words, yelled from the terrifying blond, dragged Sena back enough to see the disturbing expression on Hiruma's face. His face was flushed, eyebrows contorted into something Sena had never seen before.

"What the fuck were you…" Hiruma was breathing like he had run up here much like Sena had. "Fuck, what…" Hiruma shook his head, assuring Sena that this highly distressed young man was faring about as well as he was with coherency. Sena forced his chest to expand, pulling in the breath he needed to think clearly.

Of course.

Of course Hiruma was so agitated. God knows how long he had been watching, maybe afraid that any movement by him would create a stirring of air enough to push Sena off the edge.

Sena had come so close to killing himself. One hand of Hiruma's clamped over his own mouth as this strange series of choking gasps came out of the captain. Hiruma didn't cry, but those dry, violent sounds forced their way out of his mouth, through his hand, onto Sena, into his very being. Maybe Hiruma knew at that last moment that Sena wasn't going to do it, had seen him turn away from that darkness, but that didn't release either of them from the understanding of how close Sena had come to making the most devastating decision.

Despite the pain in his head and back from having been thrown to the ground, Sena mimicked his previous action and lifted his arms up towards Hiruma as best he could.

He was reaching for life.

Before he could even attempt to put forth a better attempt, he was tugged against Hiruma, pulled into his lap. Years of conditioning had turned those arms into weapons, and Sena was sure he was going to bruise from the way Hiruma constricted around him. His face was once again buried against a damp neck, except it wasn't from sweat. Sena just hadn't realized that he'd he crying softly from the moment he hit the ground.

Hiruma breathed and choked into Sena's hair, both of them shaking with the shock of what had happened. Sena knew he had to say something, anything.

"I want to live." Hiruma choked again, pulling Sena ever closer with his titanic grip. Sena's face burned with the sheer force of the emotions that came with those words. It hadn't hit him fully what had just happened, only bits of it at a time, and Sena knew it would be a while before he really understood. But those words were the truth no matter what happened or how he felt, and those words held more strength and conviction than anything he had said in the last year. Hiruma's eyes narrowed, a nearly angered look crossing his face as he buried it into Sena's hair, but his body relaxed a little, allowing Sena to slide into a more comfortable position.

"I _will not_ lose you." The whisper was gasped out, nearly unintelligible but Sena absorbed every word as Hiruma tried to pull him closer, tighter, hiding him from the world that nearly lost him. And just as Sena had come up the truest words he knew, so did Hiruma. As they sat there in the sun, the fear began to evaporate, leaving just two exhausted boys.

After about a half hour, another breeze blew cold causing Sena to shiver, and this movement seemed to pull Hiruma out of a trance. He stood up, arms still around Sena, a weary, fitful gaze meeting its twin in the other. Coming to a decision at the same time, Hiruma crouched down as Sena pulled away in the direction of the trail back to the inn. Sena had barely enough energy to throw a confused look at the blond.

"There's no fucking way you're walking back." Hiruma's words were a bit hoarse, jarring in the silence that had held them for nearly an hour. But it contained a bit of that arrogance that Sena was so used to, and both of them broke into small grins, though Sena's was more sheepish while Hiruma's was more a smirk. Sena climbed on Hiruma's back as directed and promptly fell asleep on the way down.

* * *

Sena sat obediently on the sofa in Hiruma's room, nervously clasping and re-clasping his hands. He had awoken a while ago to an empty room, and after washing his face briefly, he had no clue what he was supposed to do. There was no manual or guide on what to do after a emotionally tumultuous near-suicide. Was he supposed to go find Hiruma, or would leaving the room only cause Hiruma to freak out?

Or maybe Hiruma didn't want to see him. Sena couldn't help but cringe, retreating into himself at the thought. He had completely blocked out the embarrassment and shame, because when he had first woken up the emotions completely overwhelmed him. He couldn't allow himself to think about what would happen if people knew how weak he was, how much cowardice was hidden inside him. Sena rested his face in his hands, trying to block out everything, not just the shame.

He heard the door open and close quietly, but couldn't move. He was so afraid of what he'd see when he looked up. However, after several minutes of silence, he felt a bit silly when the first thing he saw was a plate full of food sitting right in front of him. He looked around further and eyed the blond quarterback, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do now. Hiruma was sitting in chair, arms folded as he looked outside towards the hot spring and the forest, scowling and pensive. Hiruma seemed to catch the movement and met Sena's eyes, immediately making Sena feel several feet smaller.

"Eat. Then, you're going to talk." Hiruma carefully enunciated each word with a low, even tone. He only looked away again when Sena gave him a slight nod. Sena could tell that his mind and body wanted to go into overdrive and freak out and panic, so Sena just focused on the task at hand. Eat.

He felt like time jumped; naturally, when he needed to stall, everything went by so fast. Sena couldn't even remember what he had just eaten. All he could recall of the minutes that passed was a still, tense blond sitting across from him who wasn't even looking. And yet before Sena could even lay the utensils on the plate, Hiruma was moving to sit beside Sena, on the other end of the couch, which completely unnerved him. Even on opposite ends, they were physically much closer. Heat automatically rose in Sena's face, because this whole 'physical closeness' thing had been happening a lot more often and he found himself being ridiculously comforted by it, which was weird and bad and not good.

"Talk." The single word wasn't angry or even demanding. It was simply final, with no room for Sena to evade – not that he had ever been able to evade Hiruma anyway.

"Umm." Where was he supposed to start? What did Hiruma want to hear? Sena opened and closed his mouth a few times as he tried to find something to say, surely looking like a fish, but he felt like he was trying to grab at objects flying around in a hurricane inside him.

"Anything. I don't care if it's about the fucking weather." The silence continued despite Hiruma's steadfast effort to get Sena to crack. "Fuck! Right now- what is happening inside that goddamn head of yours right now?" Sena could feel the adrenaline race at that question, that push. He could definitely answer that question, but it was going to be a leap into dark water where there could be anything waiting. His eyes scrunched shut so all he could think about was answering the question. Despite all the habits he had built to deny, cover up, run away, he leaped.

"I'm scared." It came out as such a pained whisper, Sena wondered if he had even said it out loud. However, it was certainly true. He was terrified.

"Of…?" Good question. Sena could answer questions if he didn't think about who he was talking to or what the consequences could be for finally letting go.

"Of everything getting worse, of hurting more, of-" Sena's breath caught in his throat as felt the truth bubbling up. "Of you." Again, even he could barely hear the last part of what he said. As the silence stretched, Sena couldn't help but clench his fists and curl his arms in. He wanted to hide or run or do anything but sit here waiting for what could only be more pain and rejection.

"Why?" Hiruma's voice betrayed nothing of what he was thinking, and Sena couldn't see his face even if he opened his eyes. At least it wasn't rage. Sena could answer. Maybe. Sena was scared of Hiruma's anger, of his disdain, his rejection.

"I don't – I don't want you to hate me," Sena's voice broke a little, but he knew he had to be completely honest even though it hurt more, "even though you should." Sena cringed automatically at the thought, knowing he deserved it.

"That's the most bullshit statement ever, but," Hiruma's voice sounded strained, like he was trying not to explode, "please. Elaborate. Why the fuck should I hate you?" Sena's eyes popped open in horror at this, thought he wasn't sure if it was because Hiruma didn't hate him yet or was trying to get Sena to convince him.

"Hiruma – please, don't – " Sena whimpered. No way. He heard fabric move against fabric, and suddenly Hiruma was right beside him.

"You want to know what I would hate the most?" Hiruma's voice was a low growl, his face must have been inches away from Sena's ear. Sena trembled, half out of need to know so he could accept that hatred and half out of fear, because he didn't want it.

"If you had _died. _If you weren't fucking alive _right now._ And since you whatever you're not saying is seemingly killing you," Hiruma leaned a bit closer, Sena could feel the warm breaths against his ear as Hiruma paused, "tell _me._"

Sena felt something shift inside him as he processed those words. For once, he think he may have actually understood what Hiruma trying to say, what he was promising Sena. There was safety in those words. It was as if Hiruma had finally found a key that fit and had unlocked Sena, opening a door that went through all the walls Sena had been building up for months, maybe years. The words began tumbling out of Sena; it still wasn't easy, Sena was still terrified, but it was enough to stop the muscles from tightening so hard in his chest that he wondered if he would suffocate in his fear.

"Sometimes I – I hate myself so much I can't," Sena paused, his stomach turning painfully, "I can't even look in the mirror. Sometimes it hurts or it scares me, and when it gets really bad…it's like I can't feel anything." Sena had to gulp in air, each word felt like a kick to the chest. Why was he saying this out loud?

Hiruma seemed to sense the door starting to close again, because he drew Sena close and tight, half sprawled across his lap. Sena was now resting the side of face against Hiruma's collarbone, warmth seeping into him from every side. So Sena let himself release some of the tension in his body, because he had said something, and Hiruma hadn't yelled at him or pushed him away or kicked him out. He had pulled him close, where Sena felt safer for some weird, bad, not-good reason. But after a few deep, shaky breaths, he was able to continue.

"It's like it gets so bad – whatever it is – I feel like I'm going to shut down. I can't live like that-" Hiruma's hands gripped him a little bit harder at this, so Sena shook his head gently against Hiruma's shoulder. "Not like that- I just, I have to make it go away so I can keep going." Sena shuddered at this admission. He wanted to push Hiruma away, because he was just so…"Pathetic. It's so weak and pathetic, I hate it-" Sena couldn't help but let out a wry smile that was probably more of a grimace, "-how can you not?"

Sena slumped, a dead weight in Hiruma's arms. He felt like he had just played a whole game against the White Knights, so completely exhausted he almost forgot where he was, because when Hiruma spoke after a few minutes he jumped slightly in surprise.

"Holy shit." Hiruma breathed out the words in a stunned whisper. "You are so wrong it's stupid." Hiruma quietly let out a humourless laugh. "Shit."

Sena didn't know what to make of this statement, but Hiruma still hadn't let go, so Sena felt his spirits raise a little bit. He let out the breath he didn't even know he had been holding. He was doing pretty well in fighting the need to doze, because he was sure if he fell asleep, Hiruma's legs would go numb.

But Hiruma once again beat Sena in this by carding his hand through Sena's hair. This movement sent pleasant tingles through Sena's skin, the idea no longer terrifying him, because he had told Hiruma some of the awful things stagnating inside him, and the blond hadn't done anything but held him. If he weren't falling asleep rapidly, Sena was sure he'd be crying in relief, so his last waking thought was one of gratefulness for not crying yet again on Hiruma's shirt.

* * *

Sena wasn't sure if he should have been surprised when he woke up gasping from another horrific dream. Just like the other one, it was as if only one colour could exist in his nightmares; he had been lying in a pool of his own blood, broken on some shadowy, jagged surface.

Everything had been covered in red.

Deep gouges had been torn all over him, and he swore he could feel the pain of broken bones and achingly sharp gashes in his sleep. Again, he couldn't breathe because his lungs had been torn straight through, coppery blood dripping out of his mouth. It all left him with this paradoxical mix of disgust and yearning and hatred, all at once.

It made him want more.

He wanted – needed – to make this terrifying ache go away. Flashes of the nightmare kept running through his mind, each one leaving him a shivering mess. He needed something to would erase all of it, anchor him here and just make him forget. A few stray tears of desperation ran down his face, he knew what he needed to do and already hated himself for it.

Trying to orient himself in the dark, he whipped his head around, not even remembering where he had fallen asleep. As he moved to get up, wanting to find his bag and his blade and the bathroom, a pair of strong hands gripped his wrists hard enough to bruise.

"What the fuck?" Hiruma's raspy, sleep-filled voice jolted Sena harder than the restraining hands did.

This was so wrong, Sena was so messed up right then and he knew it, there was no way he could hide it. One pair of watery, fearful eyes met the faintly gleaming other's and a realization of the situation hit them both at the same time.

Sena yanked his hands free, turning to run and do what he so badly needed to stop being this way in front of Hiruma, to stop being this shaky, panicky, disgusting sham of a real person. He heard a muttered curse from behind him as a he got a few metres away, but it was hardly enough time to actually build up the speed he needed to get away from Hiruma, and pair of practiced arms stopped him dead in his tracks. Hiruma had Sena's back pulled flush to Hiruma's chest, arms like vices around Sena's waist.

"No no no, let me go, please. Please!" Sena thrashed in Hiruma's arms until he lost all his strength, the only thing keeping him from falling flat on his face were the arms like steel bars around his middle. "Let me go," he sobbed dryly in defeat, his mind racing with self-loathing thoughts faster than he could stand, making the whole world spin.

Nothing was worth feeling like this, a few cuts seemed like a pittance to pay in return for some freedom from this; he was humiliated at being seen and so angry that he couldn't make it all go away. What he had said to Hiruma earlier seemed like nothing now – this was the real reason Hiruma should hate him, it was all happening before his eyes.

Those same relentless arms twisted him around so he was looking up, face to face with his captor. With his eyes adjusted to the dark, Sena could faintly make out the sharp angles of Hiruma's face, the narrowed eyes and furrowed brow. He had been seen and Hiruma really knew what he was hiding and the need to leave a mark of this moment on his skin only grew. He needed this all to stop, now.

"What?" Hiruma's twisted with more confusion. Sena had gasped out those last few words without even realizing it. Understanding began to seep into Hiruma's expression, like the puzzle pieces were starting to come together. "You…you need to make it go away. That's what you said, right?" He shook the smaller boy once at the last hissed word.

Oh. Hiruma was repeating what he had said earlier in the night, and Sena felt disgust ripple through his body hearing his words thrown back at him, but he nodded once. God. Having figured out much of Hiruma's language in the last few months of hiding and deception, Sena could see the frown morph into a more resolute grimace. Hiruma had come to some decision, and Sena trembled, not wanting to be pushed away now after so much.

But he wasn't pushed away.

Instead, it stopped.

Hiruma made it go away.

All thought faded away, because all Sena could feel were heated, chapped lips pressed firmly against his own. He didn't know when his eyes had closed or when Hiruma's hands had tangled in the hair at the base of neck, but it had happened as several tremors of shock ran through his body from his mouth. It was like the comforting warmth of Hiruma from earlier had multiplied, because every spot where his skin met Hiruma's felt searingly hot.

A tiny whimper escaped Sena, and he felt Hiruma shift gently – his thumb brushed across Sena's cheek, he pulled Sena infinitesimally nearer, his lips – oh god, _Hiruma's_ lips – moving hot against Sena's.

Sena couldn't help being chagrined when he felt Hiruma pull away, but that was before he realized he had stopped breathing. As he sucked in air, he slowly opened his eyes. To anyone else, the blank face of Hiruma may have seemed indifferent to the whole situation, but Sena was inches away and saw the slight quirk in Hiruma's eyebrows that barely gave away how unsure he was.

Maybe if Hiruma hadn't been so effective in stopping all of Sena's thinking processes, the younger boy might have considered the next course of action a bit more carefully, but Hiruma had been completely effective and Sena ran on the basic instinct of doing what feels right because instinct was the only thing working at that moment.

With his hands entangled in the folds of Hiruma's shirt for balance, Sena stood on his toes to close that gap of a few inches and found those soft, dry lips again with his own. He messed it up a little, bumping Hiruma's nose with his own before figuring out he needed to tilt his head a little, but that was okay too because Sena couldn't even think enough to embarrassed.

Hiruma may have been surprised by this, but he must have gotten over that fast because he quickly relieved Sena of standing on his toes, using the arm still resting on Sena's waist to pull him up, squeezing him so tightly Sena gasped a little. Hiruma's reflexes were back up to par, because he took advantage of this movement and breathed hotly in Sena's mouth before gently tugging Sena's bottom lip with his own, sucking at it slightly to leave it red and moist, his tongue swiping gently across Sena's upper lip.

Shivers ran down Sena's spine, and he wondered very briefly how there anything could possibly feel more intense than this.

Perhaps sensing the overload of Sena's nervous system, Hiruma pulled away again only to let Sena back down. Before even a trickle of disappointment could reach Sena in response, Hiruma placed a small kiss on the bridge of Sena's nose and rested his chin on his head, panting softly – softer than Sena, anyway.

Of course, without Hiruma's mind-numbing kiss, Sena's thoughts restarted.

Of _course,_ he'd only start thinking of the consequences _after_ he had kissed the most terrifying, slightly criminal, demon captain of the football team.

"_Oh shit._"

* * *

**AN: ****Well shucks.**

Thanks for all the reviews guys, I felt appropriately humbled by the shock that I updated, as well as delighted that you liked it.

Who knew that the key to writing was just sitting down and doing it. Weird.

I'm very happy with how this story is going. Two years ago (you know, that last update before a long time) I was really about to write my characters and plot into a hole that I couldn't dig them out of, so when I came back having learned a lot more about writing, I realised I had to step back and figure out who my characters were. Then I understood out that Sena would _never_ do what I had originally planned - he's a better, stronger person than where I was originally going.

And suddenly the story fixed itself. (Well, mostly - obviously I'll still have to think the plot through carefully until the end and edit each chapter, like five times, because even on the fourth edit of this chapter I still found stupid little typos. Life is so hard without a beta-reader.)


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